it's not in vain

i was in the IHOP prayer room a few days ago (one of my favorite places on earth) listening to a chorus being sung - "i know it's not in vain, to suffer with You." i had just been talking to a friend about longing, about how God places passions in our hearts that most of the time either take years to be fulfilled or will never be accomplished through us alone. we were talking about human trafficking, my friend's longing to liberate all the slaves right now, and the pain of the realization that she can't. i was thinking of how badly i ache to adopt children and see every Christian couple doing so, and how it hurts to know that i can't do it right now and that not every Christian family will. it wouldn't make sense that the Lord would instill these desires in us and allow them to go unfulfilled for so long, if ever, except for the fact that He Himself longs so. i like to think of my longing as a small slice of His, but a taste of what He feels. longing is painful. i cannot fathom the longing of the Son of God, the one who is most passionate, who sees and knows all but must also wait. the desires within us are pieces of His. if i feel pain, how much must He feel. and so when we long, we are partaking in His longing, fellowshipping in His sufferings. this chorus struck me from a new angle. suffering is not only persecution for the faith or the fires and trials of the Christian walk on the road to perfection. it's also seeing what He sees, desiring what He has called good and righteous, pining for it, and having to wait. i believe longing is intercession. when our hearts yearn deeply for something, that in itself is transformed into prayer arising to the Lord for that thing. Hebrews 7:25 says that Jesus always lives to makes intercession for those who come to God. i think in large part, His longing is His intercession, and Jesus will get what He asks for. therefore, so will those who long with Him. it's not in vain; it bears fruit; God responds. blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

these are a few of my favorite things

i was lying in bed 3 nights ago and my mind was flooded with thoughts of things i've seen and experienced here in Sudan that have warmed my heart. i began to smile to myself as the recollections came, and i felt tangible peace in my soul...

we have about 10 toddlers who go from playing together, to slapping each other, to crying, to playing together again, in 5 minute cycles. they can sometimes be so mean to each other, but they are never slow to forgive and forget. i'll watch them walk in a line, all holding hands, across the compound. i'll hear them singing worship songs and dancing together. a few days ago, 4-year old Ema blatantly stole a scrunchie that 4-year old Iko was playing with. She began to cry, i took the scrunchie back, and Ema began to cry. i scolded him and told him he could sit over there if he was gonna act like that. to my great surprise, he actually obeyed. not 5 minutes later, i see Iko walk over to him and hand him the scrunchie. her attitude was not vengeful, like "you stole this from me. now that i have it back i'll make you suffer by never giving it to you." she knew he had wanted it, so she gave it to him. i wish we were all more like this...

my favorite thing about African culture is the priority status that Africans give to relationship and conversation. loneliness does not exist here. houses are only for sleeping. people sit on their porches and eat all meals together. there's always someone to talk to. i love eating dinner by Abuba's fire. (she's one of our house mamas. "abuba" means "grandma"). she'll often share her food with me. many of the kids congregate here, because she's amazing and everyone loves to be around her. there will be a radio playing and all of us bobbing our heads to the music. occasionally, one of the kids will get really excited by a favorite song and jump up and start dancing. there's a lot of laughter, and Abuba's deep, gutteral laugh resounds above it all. one day, i slept over at a friend's house in town without telling Abuba. i came back to the compound the next day, and she proceeded to scold me (playfully) and told me to lie down on my stomach so she could cane me (the Sudanese form of spanking). it was hilarious.

one of the high school kids, Malik, LOVES the movie Stuart Little. we watch it regularly. he'll come over, i'll make some tea. after the movie, we talk about school, soccer, Sudanese politics, future plans, God. he's a very intelligent young man who went through the worst of the civil war, running into mountain caves to hide from the dropping bombs. i love hearing his thoughts, his dreams for the future, his hopeful outlook on life, his love for his nation.

i love Safari (20) and Kennedy's (16) laughs. i want to record them and play them back when i need to smile.

Justin (25) is amazing with children. he is such a rare gem in this culture where fatherless-ness is pronounced and many men don't have active roles in their children's lives. Justin is a true father after the Lord's heart. he loves the kids, and they adore him. he's always playing with them, talking to them, holding the babies. one day, 3-year old Vicky was throwing a tantrum and was wailing out in the pouring rain. an older girl carried her to the house, but she just wailed harder and went back out into the rain. Justin was sitting on his porch and said, "Bring her to me." she wailed, he took her inside, grabbed a stick, and said, "Do you want to get caned?" she was immediately silent. he then sat her on his lap and wrapped her in the jacket he was wearing. it was so beautiful.

our compound manager, Tito, is probably one of the most amazing men i have met in Sudan. he is hard-working, diligent, honest, compassionate. he has 8 beautiful kids and works tirelessly to provide for them. out of no where one day, he approached me and said, "There are some small cakes in town from Juba. I am going to buy you some" and bought me 6. no other Sudanese has done this for me. he doesn't see my white skin; he sees me as his friend, like any other.

when i lived in a room in the office, every morning, Betty our accountant, would arrive to work and shout "Rinaaaaaa!" in a high pitched squeal to greet me. it sounds like it would be annoying, but i loved it.

i am touched that Mama Eudita, our head house mama, calls me her daughter.

i wash clothes Saturday mornings. there are normally 10 grubby little toddler hands reaching into the basin "helping" me. they'll take a shirt the size of their whole bodies, put soap onto a small piece of it, scrub scrub scrub, twist out just that small piece, and throw the shirt into the clean clothes basin. when they're not looking, i sneak the shirt back in to rewash. i love their hearts.

i love the sound of rain on the corrugated iron roof. it is the most calming sound.

i love swinging in the hammock on my porch, sipping a Coke, watching the wind in the trees or the sun set. African sunsets are the best in the world.

in a harsh environment like this one, where i feel lonely sometimes and weary in heart, joy is to be found. you have to search for it at times, because it's hidden away in a word or a small action, like a treasure. but it's there, and i love when i find it.

forgiveness

i haven't written in a little while because i haven't had much to say. nothing too exciting has been going on here, and nothing too profound has been happening in my brain. i'll share some recent thoughts, though. i've been thinking a lot about forgiveness and how difficult it actually is to carry out. i'm thinking of one of my friends specifically, a Congolese refugee and child soldier who witnessed killings and brutal acts of all sorts as he grew up in the midst of war in Congo. on top of that, he is a Tutsi and had to endure the heartache and pain of his people being massacred in the Rwandan genocide in 1994. he has been massively restored by the Lord, healed of a lot of anger and hatred. but there are still places of unforgiveness in his heart, people towards whom he feels vengeance, events he can't seem to forget. the initial Christian reaction is to call the person to forgive, which is right, but easier said than done. we who have not lived in war and witnessed friends, family, neighbors raped, hacked to death, murdered simply because they were of the wrong tribe cannot comprehend how difficult it must be to forgive.

i got my own tiny taste of the battle called forgiveness when i was harassed by a soldier at the Sudan-Uganda border. he called me into his office, for no official business (because i had already passed through immigration), just "to talk to me", and when i refused to come, his ego was hurt and he proceeded to demand my passport and threaten to throw me in jail. nothing infuriates me more than corruption, and i retaliated. i finally just walked off, with him still shouting after me, and for days afterward, i felt so defiled to have been treated so, like my humanity had been compromised. i wanted revenge. it took me about a week to forgive him, and this incident was not nearly as traumatizing as what my friend has endured.

forgiveness takes some serious Holy Spirit enabling. it defies the tendency of the human heart. i am awed anew at Jesus' ability to cry out "Father forgive them!" with perfect sincerity as His persecutors were driving nails into His hands. it was a direct confrontation to every natural human inclination and emotion. He was demonstrating His inherent power to forgive the worst deeds...and the ability to forgive the worst deeds that He gives to all who are in Him. i guess we pray for that ability, and ask for the working of that power in us.

adventures in Lohutok

last week, i visited a friend who works in the Lopit Mountains, in a village called Lohutok. it was my first time in any place in Sudan other than Yei. i thoroughly enjoyed my relaxing visit, consisting mostly of movies, reading, and much needed conversation. Lohutok is a beautiful area comprised of several villages neatly nestled into the rocky mountain side. to get around, one must navigate steep stony paths. it's quite a demanding and exhausting task, especially in the heat of the afternoon sun, but not for the children, who are so accustomed to this terrain that they effortlessly run up and down the mountain.

my favorite past-time was going to what the people call the "river" (in reality, a stream that runs down the bare rock and gathers into a pool about thigh-deep at the bottom). the people come here to bathe, wash clothes, and generally cool off. it was so refreshing to lie in the water gently trickling down the rock, and sliding into the pool with all the kids was a lot of fun.

the children of Lohutok are a lot like the kids i know. they love visitors and immediately learn new people's names. within a few days, most people knew i was Irina, and the kids made up a funny, cute song and dance that they would perform every time they said my name. the long-termers there are given Lopit names that reflect something about them. my friend was named Iyodo, which means "the one who's stomach is missing" (because she's thin). most of the villagers are accustomed to white people, as missionaries have lived among them for years. but some toddlers still have not gotten used to the sight and would wail hysterically every time we approached on the path. their older siblings loved messing with them and would carry them right up to us, exacerbating their hysteria. it gave us all a good laugh.

the several missionaries working here live in simple houses among the people right in the villages. spending 10 days there, i realized how difficult this is and began to appreciate anew living on a secluded compound. people talk, children play, radios blare until late into the night. roosters begin crowing at about 3am, and there are hundreds of roosters. the people are up and about at 6am. it's loud all the time. there is no town and no market. the missionaries have their food flown in from Kenya by missionary airlines once every 3 months, and they can only get things that won't spoil without refrigeration. the Lopit people are largely unreached. there is a lot of witchcraft and witch doctors, theft, fighting. one of the villages' main industries and sources of income is beer production, and consumption of it is completely normal, even for young children. i thought living in Yei was hard; this is much harder. i gained huge admiration and respect for the missionaries that live and work here, some who have been there for 4+ years. their faithfulness, patience, boldness, and commitment to the Gospel is truly astounding.



the Lord is doing great things in Lohutok. a good number of people have come to Jesus throughout the years and have left lifestyles of sin behind. these ones are shining lights and examples in their communities.

i flew out on one of the missionary planes and got a little tour of Sudan on my way to Yei. the pilot had to pick up pastors and their wives from various cities and bring them to Yei for a conference. we flew all the way up to Agok, which is about 20 miles from the North-South border and the land of the Dinka people, the largest tribe in southern Sudan. it was really cool seeing different terrain and different-looking Sudanese. it got hotter and hotter as we went further north, again causing me to be grateful to live in Yei, which has the coolest climate of all of Sudan. (dry season is pretty brutal for me here; i can't imagine what it must be like in these areas). the pilot let me sit in the co-pilot seat and even allowed me to fly and land the plane! no joke; it was so fun.

i returned to Yei and was warmly greeted by all the children and staff throwing their arms around me as i exited the car. it felt good to be loved. i am glad to have spent some quality time with my friend and to have seen some more of this land that i live in. and i am grateful to live in Yei and have a new appreciation for this town and our compound.

(see Facebook for photos)

free

one great thing that is/has happened to me in this hard season is such freedom from obligation and pressure. i didn't even realize i had lived like this for so long until i got so tired i could not sustain it anymore. ever since i became a Christian, i've led Bible studies, done outreaches, discipled people, held prayer meetings...i've always been doing something ministry-wise, i'll call it official ministry. i loved Jesus and i wanted to make Him known to others. i read His commands and wanted to follow, to please Him. my heart was sincere. but most of the time, i felt obligated to do the official ministry stuff because i was a Christian and this came with the package. there was not much enjoyment in it for me.

once i came to Sudan and the comforts and legitimate pleasures i was used to were removed from my life, i just could not keep doing ministry. obligation alone, my own self-inflicted pressure, was not enough to keep me going anymore. there were so many times when i would say to myself, "ok Irina, do a Bible study for the kids tonight. they love Bible studies and they'll grow from it, just do it." but the evening would come around and i just could not pull myself together to do it. i was too exhausted in my heart. i was not being poured into, filled up, encouraged because my friends were not around to talk to, i couldn't access IHOP webstream, and i couldn't drive down the road to an amazing worship meeting...when these sources of strength and infilling are present, even if i truly don't want to be doing a certain ministry thing, obligation is a strong enough prompting to cause me to do that thing. even though doing the ministry things did not feel life-giving most of the time, because i was filled up in my spirit and prospering in my heart, i could manage to exert the effort necessary to do it. out here, obligation lost its power. i completely stopped doing everything official, organized ministry - Bible studies, outreaches, prayer meetings. once i stopped it all and completely removed myself from it, i understood the pressure that i had been living under my entire Christian life. i came back to Sudan and all i wanted (and still want) to do in the area of ministry is talk with the older kids and play with the little ones. that's it. i have no desire and no energy in my heart to do anything else....and i realized i don't HAVE to. Mike Bickle said an amazing thing in his Song of Solomon teaching that i'm currently listening to: "Everything you do won't ultimately matter if its roots weren't found in passion for God. The biggest ministry means nothing if it wasn't flowing out of love for God." this was the most freeing statement i have ever heard. God, you mean i don't HAVE to do weekly Bible studies? i don't HAVE to go on outreaches and evangelize? Exactly, i don't have to. i am loving simple, life-on-life ministry these days, the kind where you just talk with people, laugh with them, tell jokes, talk about Jesus. i am not at all saying Bible studies, outreaches, etc are not valid. they are totally necessary and good and Jesus clearly calls us to disciple, preach, teach, minister. but if it's not coming out of desire and true enjoyment of what you're doing, if the majority of the fuel is obligation to the Gospel, then it's just not worth doing. it will make you tired, unhappy, and anxious for the thing to end.

i feel very free. every day i do what i want to be doing. of course issues and conflicts arise that must be resolved and of course no one ever wants to deal with that stuff. of course there are things daily that i have to do that i may not feel like doing - that's life. what i'm saying is, in my work and ministry, i only do what i want to do, what makes my heart happy, what gives me pleasure and satisfaction, what feeds my soul. this is a much better way to live, and i think i'm gonna keep it.

yelling about the Father's love

i'm on a journey of learning about the Father's heart. it's funny and ironic to me that the place where God starts teaching me about this is in Sudan in the midst of a difficult season that i'm in, probably the most difficult season of my Christian life thus far. i think that is intentional on His part. if we can get it in the hard times, we will surely know it in the easy times.

there are several facets to the Lord. there's the Bridegroom, the Suffering Servant, the Comforter, the Judge, the King, to name a few. i have always felt the love of God but i only recently realized that i haven't really ever felt the love of the Father, that specific facet of Him. different seasons bring different revelations of His nature, and He reveals all of Himself to us in time.

it's important for us to really grasp deep the love that the Father has toward us in times of hardship, when circumstances aren't necessarily exemplifying this truth to us. it's so powerful when we reach, against all circumstances, toward His heart and cry, "I know You love me!!" it's similar to praising in the midst of disaster; something transformative happens within us when we do. our hearts are supernaturally strengthened and we are thrust deeper into Truth. the enemy consequently and progressively loses more and more of his influence on us.

like i've said before, in my early years as a Christian, the Lord taught me about the suffering element of the Christian life. what i'm learning now as He's revealing the Father to me is that an understanding of suffering as a reality of following Jesus in this life is not going to get you through hardships. take me. i understood it, knew the Scriptures about it, knew countless stories of martyrs and saints that have gone before us and what they endured, even Christ Himself...but encountering a very difficult season almost shattered me completely. it's knowing that THE FATHER LOVES US that will get us through. it's screaming at the circumstances and the powers and principalities that debilitate us with lies, "I AM LOVED!! NOTHING CAN SEPARATE ME!" and it's accessing this love in hard times and pushing to believe it and feel it that solidifies this truth in our hearts.

reflections from the wilderness

i have been back in Sudan for a week and a half now after a wonderful, refreshing time in the U.S. my heart was overwhelmingly happy to see all my friends and receive much needed wisdom and encouragement. in those last few months in Sudan, i felt very lonely, disheartened, emotionally exhausted, and without hope. i knew the season i was in was purposed by the Lord but it was unbearable to walk through. i found myself frustrated at God, wondering "why do You keep putting me through fires and trials? this can't be the only aspect of the Christian walk - suffering, death to self, refinement, crucifixion..." i realized that my view of God was distorted. He had given me revelation after I got saved of suffering, but it became my only image of Him. He was perpetually the Suffering Servant, the Man on the cross. yet i felt so hopeless in this image changing considering the calling i find myself in and the circumstances of it at this time. i felt that my life was just always going to be hard, constant tribulations and training grounds and flames and character refinement. even though i knew it could not be true, i was overcome with hopelessness, despair, and fear. i loved Him, but i felt afraid and hurt. i knew i needed to be restored. i needed truth spoken into me, over and over. my friends did just that, and i am beyond grateful to them.

i find myself back in Yei, and i feel different. it's still the same compound and same general challenges, but i have hope and a godly perspective on things. i can feel the Father's heart toward me, toward my simple, human desires, whereas i felt before that He did not care about those as much as big, spiritual things like salvation of souls, deliverance for the oppressed. i have to periodically combat the ever-surfacing lie which dictates just that, but i know now that things i want are high on God's priority list. i don't necessarily see that reflected in my circumstances and i have yet to see those desires met, but i am accessing the Father's heart by faith. i think that if a person can really get that the Father loves them in times when nothing around them says so, that truth will be established deep within them and will never be shaken through peace or storm.

i think that my time in Sudan is going to be a wilderness season. i don't think that means the entirety of it will be excruciatingly painful (at least i hope not), but i believe that in general, it's going to be a trying time, with times of refreshing in the midst. i'd be lying if i said that this excites me; it doesn't. but i know that the only response that will get me anywhere is to press with all my might into God's heart. i want to learn to lean. i want to get out of this season everything He has for me, and i don't want to miss Him in it by wishing it away.

all in all, i have been humbled, broken to pieces, distressed....and then embraced, encouraged, rebuilt. God sees, God cares. no sorrow is wasted. He makes all things new. those who sow in tears will reap in songs of joy.

favor and godly cheating

well i haven't written in a while because i've been on sabbatical, traveling in the US visiting wonderful friends, eating good American food, and resting a lot. it's been amazing. i'll be in the States until August 23, when i will go back to Sudan.

a really cool thing happened to me during my time here that exemplifies God's heart to bless. i feel like sometimes, following Jesus is like cheating in life. certainly there are hard times, valleys, but there are times of real blessing, moments of favor that just make you chuckle to yourself because you know it's the Lord...and He's chuckling too. i remember in college, because my friends and i often chose to have prayer meetings for hours or emergency ministry sessions to unsaved friends in the middle of the night, we would often end up barely studying to exams. all too often, someone would exclaim at 4am after we'd just had an amazing time in His Presence, "Oh Lord help me on my test tomorrow!" (i'm not recommending doing this; i'm just saying it's what we did.) we had countless testimonies of God just telling people exactly what to study or literally showing them how to answer a question during the exam. i think He loved our immature hearts.

i had a day of favor a few weeks ago. i went to have a facial and started talking to the woman, a non-Christian, about my work and life in Sudan. when she was finished, i stood to pay her, and she pulls out her waller and says, "No, i'm going to pay you. Thank you for what you do." She handed me $120! (i had thought it was $80 but i noticed later one of the bills was a 50 not a 20). the facial only cost $40.

then i missed a flight due to traffic and had to be rerouted on a much longer route to my destination, risking 2 flights on standby. it wasn't pleasant at all. at the counter, the ticketing agent tells me it will cost $595 to alter my flights. my heart sunk but i had no choice. my dad steps in to pay, i refuse, he insists, i give in. she hands him the receipt, and after walking away, we look and see that it's for $25. after repeated confirmations that it would cost $595, we pay $25.

i feel like we as believers cheat through life sometimes, because we're His kids...as it should be. we get treated special. we defy the laws of nature and escape the laws of cause and effect, the "there is no other way" reality. so often, things that shouldn't happen, do! the thing is, even if i had dropped 600 bucks on airfare and 40 bucks on beautification and had not gotten answers to exam questions, God would still be good and i'd still have peace in knowing He'll make it turn out ok. He doesn't need to do such things to demonstrate His goodness, but He chooses to because He likes it. i believe it makes God feel good, to see our hearts do that little leap they do when some small blessing occurs, to see a smile spread across our faces and our eyes looking up to catch His when we say, "That was so sweet, God. Thanks." we feel the pleasure of being His in those moments, special, different from the crowds...because we are.

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excuse all the messiness, but i'm trying to redesign my blog and learning how to do it as i go. so be patient while it looks disorganized :)

afflictions eclipsed by glory

i had by best night in Sudan thus far the evening before i flew out. we had a visitor with us for 10 days, Kat. she's an amazing singer and musician who carries an anointing to break open the atmosphere through worship. this is exactly what we need in Sudan, where there's little authentic worship. before she came, she wrote a song for/about Sudan in Juba Arabic based on Jeremiah 33 delineating the Lord's promises to Israel. she sang it in church on Sudan and the presence of the Lord came. the children quietly listened and began singing along once they picked it up. everyone started cheering during the chorus - "Beled Sudani, Rabuna b'hilaju ita" (Sudan land, the Lord will heal you). we decided to record it the next night (on Macbook Garage Band) with some of the girls, Justin on guitar, and drums. it was absolutely incredible. the kids were overjoyed to be doing something like this. it came out beautifully (as beautiful as a Macbook recording can sound). when we finished, everyone cheered in typical Sudanese fashion - very loud, high-pitched screams. the other kids had heard the racked and about 30 came over to see what was happening. we let them all in and everyone started singing the chorus over and over. they didn't even realize it, but by the Spirit they were declaring it over the land. the Spirit fell and we were jumping around, dancing, cheering, laughing. it was so spontaneous and authentic and joyful. we're going to give the recording to some local radio stations. this song needs to be heart and proclaimed.

writing about this experience does not do it justice. i can't describe how incredible it was - the atmosphere breaking open, tangible joy and life seizing us, the excitement of the children, and a declaration going forth - Sudan land, the Lord WILL heal you!" (i will post photos on facebook and a video soon!)

as you all know, the last month or so has been extremely difficult for me. but it's amazing how one night, one experience in His presence, can trump all that. when i feel like i just can't do it anymore, times like this make me remember "yeah, this is why i'm in it..." this makes all the hardship worth it. moments of heaven touching earth, glimpses of His beauty, eclipse all the afflictions.

small beautiful things

the last few weeks have been hard, almost unbearable. i don't want to talk about that. i want to talk about beautiful things i've seen that, if even for a moment these days, make my heart smile. if there's one thing i've learned after 6 months in Sudan, it's that small things add up and become the "stuff" of the Kingdom. Jesus healing a sick person was worth just as much as Him letting the little children come to Him. casting out a demon was just as important and valuable to Him as eating with His disciples, laughing with them. both emanated love, demonstrated His nature, and brought healing. in fact, i will go so far as to say i think the latter examples are more important than the former, because God is all about relationship. the day-to-day relationship building and interaction is where the ultimate change in people's hearts happens.

i have seen many small beautiful things that evidence to me that the Lord is moving and using me. Ima (3) called me "giata", "white person" in Kakwa, for 3 months. i really hated it. he's a pretty hefty little boy and would fight constantly; he wasn't afraid to even smack me a couple times, which really bothered me. but finally he learned my name and i have witnessed a change in him where he has almost completely stopped fighting (except for the occasional scuffle with his fellow toddlers). every time he sees me outside, he shouts, "Rina!" and runs up to me.

one evening, i was eating supper with the older boys. Safari (20) was in the group, and he is not the most open, outgoing person. where the other kids talk to me and tell me what's going on in their hearts, Safari won't. we were all sitting there joking and talking. eventually, Safari and i got into a conversation about Sudanese culture, politics, faith, and the rest of the group disbursed. unprompted, he begins telling me his life story, from the beginning. he talked about his passion for the Lord at a young age, how God really set him apart, his abusive home situation, his suffering, and how he would pray for deliverance. he told me everything. i was so touched that he trusted me enough to share this with me.

we received a 14-year old girl named Akot from the brothels in Juba about one week ago. she's lived a horrible life, as you can imagine, and came very broken. there has been a dramatic transformation in her where in just one week she is like a completely different person. she would barely smile when she first came; now she smiles big all the time, plays with the kids, and trusted in Jesus this past Sunday.

little Daniel (2) has children's asthma which causes difficulty in breathing. there were days when he would just be out of it, in a catatonic-like state. the doctor recommended we put him on a nebulizer, which we don't currently possess. we treated him with an inhaler and he has dramatically improved. his breathing is so much better and he is much happier and livelier.

things like this make life worth living. i'm beginning to see as the Lord sees, to count these things as victories and not overlook them as insignificant. i believe this is how we conquer darkness, one small change, one small life at a time.

thorns

i have always wondered what Paul's thorn was. it will be the first question i ask him when i get to heaven. a thorn can be many things - physical infirmity, emotional pain, a difficult life circumstance. we all are afflicted with different ones. i think thorns can be seasonal too, but some are probably lifelong. my thorn in this season is loneliness. (i wonder if this was Paul's, too). i've asked Him to take it away but it is clear that he has me in it for a season (i hope). there has been grace, but i also have never felt as alone in my life as i have in the last few months. (p.s. this is going to be a very vulnerable blog post. it's not meant to be depressing but real and honest). a friend had a dream about me that indicated that this was the season i was in - one of birthing the purposes of God alone. i can't say it was an encouraging word, but helpful to know that this season is orchestrated by God, not the product of some mistake or human error. i've come to a place where i can be very real with God and not try to be super spiritual, holy, abandoned, or strong. i say to Him, "God, this is painful and i don't like it. please let this season be over soon." He knows my heart; He knows i've given Him everything and have said, "Yes" to Him, so i don't have to be strong. i tell Him i don't understand, it hurts, and i ask for deliverance. i feel very distant from Him these days; i can't feel His presence and i can't see His smile. i'm relying on what i know, that He IS smiling, He LOVES me, He's WITH me.

all that to say it's been hard the last few weeks. i don't know what to make of it and can't draw some kind of conclusion. it's all a jumbled mess in my heart.

God is good. i'm in pain. i love Jesus. that's about all i got these days.

this is how much God likes me

it seems that on my worst days, God goes out of His way to
encourage me. He is just amazing like that. even though i know that
discouragement means i am not seeing through the eyes of faith, He
does not reprimand me. instead, in payment for my wavering heart, He
does the sweetest things to encourage me. it's because He is the great High Priest, able to sympathize with our weakness, for He was one of us.

one such incident happened a few weeks ago on a day when everything that had gone wrong climaxed. i was completely miserable and very weary in heart because of many
problems that had arisen, burdens of responsibility that i felt, and
suffering that i had seen. there's only so many malnourished babies
and only so much of people coming to your door saying they have no money and "please
take in our children" that i can take, and at this point i was worn
out. on this particular day, i also found out that my method of communication - direct, straight forward, to-the-point - was hurting some of the staff, as the communication style here is pretty much the opposite. i was hurt and felt disliked when my intentions were pure and my love for the people, real. God knew and sympathized. as i was expressing all these troubles to a fellow missionary friend, my phone rings and it's one of our staff. it was Saturday and he called just to ask me how i was doing. he had never done this before and didn't know anything about the hurt i was feeling. it was so kind and i was touched. Jesus tended to my wounds in the most tender way.

another day a similar thing happened. it was Sunday and we had church that morning. it was a really dry service. that happens here sometimes, because the main stronghold in southern Sudan is the religious spirit. i was really disappointed and again, discouraged, because i didn't understand. i didn't understand why some services are so free and full of Holy Spirit that kids are crying, kneeling, prostrate before the Lord, and others are dry as a bone, where i feel like i am ramming my head against a concrete wall. it was like that this particular Sunday. i went out to town on my own that day to a favorite spot of mine and wrote to the Lord, expressing my frustration and confusion about His ways. that evening, one of our girls, Joyce (15, pictured), approached me and shared a vision she had had that morning, at that dry and dead service that i thought nothing good could come out of. she saw all the children standing under a green umbrella (Psalm 24) and bolts of lightning flashing all around. at first she thought it was the sunlight that was causing her to see this, so she turned to a shady place and saw the flashes of lightning again. the vision spoke of God's power being released in the place of rest in His presence. but it meant so much more to me than that. it was yet again Jesus cradling my heart, caring about my discouragements, nursing my wounds, and kindling the flame of encouragement and faith in my spirit.

declare and it shall be

one of our elder boys, Safari (20), told me a testimony recently that highlights the power of speaking something forth. we have had minimal rain this rainy season, which is devastating to a nation that depends so much on subsistence agriculture. our kids have little garden plots on the compound and elsewhere. safari had planted potatoes and the crop was not producing because of the lack of water. he was really unhappy and discouraged. one night, as he's sitting around with other kids and mamas, the Holy Spirit comes on him and he says, "Tonight at 4am, it's going to rain, and it won't stop until 6am." everyone looked at him like, "ok..." well guess what? the rain began at exactly 4am and didn't stop until 6am that morning. one of the girls said to him the next day, "Wow, I'm afraid of you, Safari." and his crop is now prospering.

a testimony about Martin

in january, we took in 3 children. (see earlier blog entitled "3 of our kids"). The middle boy, Martin, was very broken in the heart. He would fight with all the kids all the time, constantly pinching and slapping them for no reason, and then he would cry. I always saw him crying, his nose permanently snotty. It's no mystery, considering the pain of abandonment he's endured, that he would act out in this way, just angry at the world. he wouldn't take much, either, and i rarely saw him smile. over the last few months, the Lord has been healing him. Martin now fights much less, if ever, and i often see im engaging in friendly play with the other kids. i don't see him crying as often. he speaks a lot more as well. a few days ago, as i was sitting with children, out of nowhere he says "Is Jesus good?" and then "Is Jesus God?" i was so excited! i shared the Gospel with him, and when my Arabic ran out, i called an elder boy over to help translate. we hugged on him and told him Jesus is so so good and loves him.

God's presence resides at Iris. sure we have issues. there are conflicts, people don't always treat each other lovingly, kids don't always (rarely) play nice. but God IS here. from simply being at Iris, being in a place where Jesus is honored and lifted up, Martin's heart is being healed

how God speaks to our kids

last night, the older kids and i gathered together to worship, like we do every Friday. i have taught them to sing from their hearts to Jesus, not known worship songs, but a love song from their heart, whatever comes out, to sing by the Spirit. we've had some great times with God doing this, where the Spirit has really come. we've had other times that were dry, and i could tell the religious spirit that oppresses this nation was cropping up. but even so, we keep going. last night, i felt the Lord's presence like a weighty cloud sitting on me. it's my most favorite feeling in the world. after we worshiped together for a while, i went around the room and asked the kids what the Lord spoke/showed them. i loved what they shared. Edward (18) saw Jesus holding his heart and embracing him. Kizito (23) felt a spirit of thanksgiving. He was remembering his life before Iris Ministries, before Jesus, and thought about how many children don't have food, clothes, education. He was so thankful that God chose him to receive these things. the Holy Spirit brought to Safari's (20) mind a time when he was tempted by the enemy to drink alcohol. it was a strong temptation and he was struggling to resist it. when he prayed, it went away instantly. this night, God showed him what happened in the spirit in that moment. He saw himself and Satan, and Jesus was standing in between, protecting him. Justin (25) was moved to pray for protection for our compound and our children.

i love that God speaks to our kids. i love that they know Him and know He is real and alive. i pray for increase, for enrapture with Jesus. i want them to be caught up for hours and day. i believe it can happen

no one is ever alone

the book of 1 Peter speaks a lot about suffering. in 1 Peter 5:9, the apostle says to resist the enemy and remain steadfast in the faith, "knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world." being a missionary in Sudan, my tendency is to feel isolated because no one else i know is a missionary in Sudan, so how could anyone understand the challenges, hardships, and pains of daily life and ministry here? i have come to see that this is a lie of the enemy. he makes you believe no one else can relate and thereby traps you in the snare of isolation. in talking to my friends since i've been here, my eyes have been opened. i have seen that even though our lives are completely different, our struggles are surprisingly and uncannily similar. they are just blanketed in a different environment, a different life, a different calling. we all battle loneliness, to some extent, because all of us are strangers in the earth, pilgrims, longing for Home and being unsatisfied until we get there. we all struggle to trust God whole-heartedly, to believe He is who He says He is and His ways with us are completely good. we learn these lessons and experience these struggles in ways specific to our natures and our callings. God is a genius. He fashioned each person so uniquely and placed callings on their lives so specifically, and yet He is forming the same truths in us. we are all so unique but feel the same longings and pains, the same joys. it's because we are headed towards the same goal. we are pressing for the same prize of the same upward call...separately but together. He is forming the same Christ in all of us. there is one God and one Spirit residing in us. we are united by the thread of our common faith, our common Love.

when one suffers, not only is Jesus with him, but the brotherhood of the saints is with him too, for they endure the same things. no one is every alone.

weakness really does mean strength

I had malaria last week...again. Similar kinds of symptoms – high fever, extreme bodily weakness, loss of appetite. But the medicine didn't kick in as fast this time, so I was immobile and couldn't eat food for 2 days. The kids came and prayed for me, the staff brought me juice. The sickness took a lot out of me and I was weak and exhausted after 4 days. When I finally was able to get out of bed, the kids would remark, “Oh Rina, you are so thin...” I was pretty emaciated.

Day 2 of this, as I'm lying motionless, I began to utter a prayer. It was spontaneous, and I knew it was the Lord. I prayed for our children and asked Holy Spirit to fall on them, to break every barrier, every religious wall that stands in the way of encounter. It was a short and lifeless prayer, I barely whispered it.

Day 4 I felt well enough to move about and keep a dinner appointment with a British missionary couple in town. I returned to the compound when evening worship had already ended. One of the girls, Onzima, visited me that night to check on me and reported how amazing worship that night was. The Holy Spirit fell, the whole compound was up singing and dancing. Even one of our watchmen (night security guards) was dancing in the circle, which has never happened before. I immediately thought back to my weak prayer. It was a token of God's response, a confirmation that in my absolute weakest moments (I have never been as physically weak as I was during this malaria bout), He moves through me.

when God's presence is just sweet...

...but first, a bunny trail. i think it's hilarious that i can't log in to paypal, wachovia, and many other websites that i am not yet aware of on the Sudanese connection we get on compound. Sudan comes up as a sanctioned nation. i can't believe i live in a country that is internationally sanctioned online...that is crazy, in a funny way, to me.

ok, back to the road (bye bunnies)! one of the best times on compound is nightly prayers. it was the first thing i experienced when i came, and continues to be one of my favorites. it's something the kids began on their own. one of the older girls, Onzima, felt the Lord call her to do it and it's happened every night ever since. the kids love it. it's not forced or mandatory or official, which is why i think they love it so much. they feel free in it. after dinner, the kids will gather our drums and start playing. eventually more come, form a circle around the drummers, and dance around and around in African fashion. some more time passes, and one of the older girls joins as the worship leader. they're not picked beforehand, it's just whoever comes over whenever. African worship is call and response (how Gospel came about) where the worship leader sings a phrase and the rest respond by singing a new phrase or repeating the leader's words. the songs are very simple, and they often repeat the same sentence for 15 minutes. but they don't get tired of it, it's their style and their sound. so we go around and around for 45 minutes. at some point, we transition from fast songs to slow, and everyone stands still, kneels, and worships the Lord. finally, there's a time for prayer at the end, and all corporately cry out to the Lord.

tonight was beautiful. God's presence was just plain sweet. that's the best way i can describe it. it wasn't overwhelming power, laughter, tears. He was just there and everyone knew it. it was very dark out. i didn't realize the difference the stars and moon make in lighting the world until i came here. tonight there was no moon and the stars were covered by thick clouds. i couldn't see faces, but as i looked around, i could see children worshiping, hands raised to Jesus. the worship and prayer was so sincere, so from the heart. sometimes it's not. the religious spirit will rear its ugly, horrible head from time to time and everything will feel so mechanical. not tonight. the children's hearts were meeting with Jesus. i had my arm around Blessing on one side and Moriba and Asa on another (who would jab at each other a bit trying to win full possession of my one hand). i prayed for God to do among these kids what He did with H.A. Baker's kids in China in the early 1900s. ("Visions Beyond the Veil" is a must-read. it's about 100 pages and will take you an hour). they were beggar street kids who were reluctant to attend weekly chapel, until God came down. they were caught them up in visions of heaven, hell, angels, and the end of the age...for months. they wouldn't eat or sleep for days sometimes; all they wanted was to be with God. they accurately described the events in the Book of Revelation. 10-year olds would preach and prophesy on the streets with a voice that was not their own. i prayed this for our kids. "why not, Lord? these, too, are the poorest of the poor, the cast-asides...Your favorite ones."

i'm gonna believe for it and believe Him to do it. but for now, His presence was just plain sweet.

i'm exhausted, but this is not about that

i am exhausted today. it's mostly because i woke up at 4am to talk to a dear friend on the phone, which is a great reason to be exhausted. it was a wonderful, encouraging, uplifting conversation, and i am so so grateful for her. i love how i can be miles away, with time zones and bad phone connections in between, but when i talk to my friends, it's like we haven't skipped a beat. praise the Lord who is the one who knits us together with His unbreakable thread.

i'm also exhausted because after i finished my morning time with Jesus (which, may i add, was very slack because i kept falling asleep), and was preparing to wash up and get my "to do" list done, one of our boys runs up and says "Alex can't walk. His entire leg is swollen and he's in a ton of pain." i had taken Alex to the clinic a few days ago and he'd been prescribed antibiotics for a small wound below his knee that had gotten badly infected. the antibiotics didn't work, and his leg was huge and there were lumps all over his calf.

this isn't a story about exhaustion, but about how Jesus comes to my rescue. i could not take Alex on the motorbike; he was in too much pain to straddle it. i had never driven our Land Rover before. even though i obviously know how to drive, trying to navigate this stick shift car with terrible breaks and the wheel on the right side on these terrible roads with 2-foot ditches and holes, not to mention people, goats, cattle, and bikes milling around in no apparent orderly fashion everywhere....this is truly a feat to be accomplished. but there was no one else to drive, and he had to be taken right then. i had no choice. i went into the house to grab the keys, stopped, and prayed. "Jesus, help." and He did. we got there and back safe and sound. Alex is gonna be just fine.

here, an incident can happen instantly, and i don't have time to think about how i don't know what to do or can't do it. i have to make a decision right there and then, and i have to act even though i don't have a clue what i'm doing/have never done it before, and trust that God is giving me the wisdom and ability to do it in that moment. today, i had no choice but to jump out of the boat and hope that Jesus would enable me to walk on the water. He did, and it was supernaturally amazing.

life and life more abundantly

this week, i held a dead baby in my arms. it was one of the hardest days of my life. one of our house mamas (the baby's great aunt) had been in the hospital for days with the sick boy. two friends, wendy and jennie, and i were sitting outside on the road having a soda when we saw her on the way to the hospital that day. a few minutes later, we saw her pass again, this time running, screaming, wailing, looking completely crazed. a few feet behind her, the baby was being carried, wrapped up in a blanket. my friends and i stopped them in the street and began praying. after a few minutes, i took the baby, and we drove over to the family's home. a note on culture here...funerals are very dramatic ordeals here. the entire family gathers at the deceased's house and mourns for 5 days straight, 24/7. the Sudanese express grief by throwing themselves on the ground and rolling around, wailing, in the dust. it's very dramatic and emotional. so this is the scene that ensued when i emerged with the dead baby in my arms. it's like people momentarily lose their minds and something else takes over. the atmosphere was heavy, depressing. death is a way of life here. many have seen several people in their families die, and so have lost all strength to believe, to rise up, to overcome, according to what Christ has accomplished and promised. they don't fight it, nor do they think they can, as Christianity here is largely legalistic and full of death itself, influenced by experience and the pride of man. the pastor's exhortation at this funeral was completely unbiblical and one of the most heartbreaking things i've ever heard. he said, "death comes to us all. we eat of the bread of death every day..." wait a minute, i thought Jesus was the bread of life and came to give life abundantly...?

we brought the baby into the house and began praying, fully believing for a resurrection. but the atmosphere was seeped of all faith and hope. there was only despair. my friends and i were the only ones praying. everyone else was either wailing or staring at us. i was becoming so angry with the devil, for how he has stolen life and hope and joy from these people to the point that they accept it. the baby had the most serene look on his face; he was so beautiful.

an amazing thing happened as we prayed. wendy, jennie, and i worshiped and sang in the Spirit softly, and the people gathered became silent and still. this incredible peace and stillness descended upon us. wendy whispered to me, "this never happens at funerals". occasionally, new mourners would enter the room and begin wailing again, but as they remained there, they would also calm down and fall silent. i've never experienced the peace of God so tangibly. wendy had a vision of Jesus scooping the baby boy in His arms. we shared this with the family, as well as the hope we have in Christ. i walked out of the house and moved from person to person, praying for them. there was one woman who kept walking around very restlessly, shaking her hands and muttering something. i don't know if it was curses or she was simply losing it, but i went over to her and embraced her. she immediately calmed down and i felt her breathe easy. i prayed over her in Arabic - "Jesus will give you peace in your heart. The baby is in heaven with Jesus. All will be well."

i really wanted this boy to raise from the dead, but he didn't. the Lord's way is perfect. i was grateful for the supernatural peace God gave, and i hope the family recognized it as such presses in themselves to touch it.

feet

i look at people's feet. i actually think feet are pretty gross, maybe that's why i notice them. there's a big difference between Sudanese feet and American feet. children as young as 2 already have hard soles. even when they have shoes, like our kids do, they don't like to wear them. by contrast, kids this age in the States have soft, smooth feet. adults' feet are permanently hardened and heels are cracked. elderly persons' feet are irreversibly cracked and wrinkled by a lifetime of exposure to intense sun. it seems like no matter how much they are washed, there's a permanent layer of irremovable dirt. i understand this, as i've only been here 3 months and my feet never seem to get totally clean no matter how hard i scrub. it's not washing habits, it's the constant dust and dirt and sun.

you can tell a lot about someone by looking at their feet. the Sudanese walk everywhere, the sun is hot, and the dust is ever-present. i think feet reveal a lot about culture, standard of living, and the life one has had to live. Sudanese feet speak of poverty, but also perseverance and hard work. you can see years of toil and persistence in the face of extreme struggle. you can see hope too. their feet are beautiful.

precious Monica

every Saturday, pastor John Sebit, myself, and many of the children have been going to the local markets on outreach. we'll stand in the back of our huge truck, sing worship songs, and preach the Gospel. several weeks ago, an elderly woman came forward for prayer. her name is Monica, and she explained her suffering to us. she is sick and has no money for food or medicine. she lives alone. sometimes, her nephews come and force her to cook for them. she was asking for prayer saying, "please pray that Jesus would help me to die soon and in peace." she had no hope and no desire to live anymore. we prayed and she showed me where she lives. i told her i would come visit her. i could not get her out of my mind for the next few days and decided that we were going to help her.

the next week, Kizito, Justin, and i visited Monica. she told us that just the previous day, her nephew had hung himself, because his father (Monica's brother) had refused to pay the bride price on a certain woman this young man wanted to marry. her other nephew, upon whose property she resides, had been communicating that he wants to rent out this land and warning her that she needed to get out and find another place to live. she relayed to us the pain and fear in her heart, the permanence of their presence. i explained to her that we were going to help her financially and wanted to pray for her. we layed hands, i prayed and sang over her. afterward, she said she felt the heaviness leaving her.

we returned several days later to give her some money. the Lord did an amazing thing in that short interval. some of her family spoke to her nephew who had been threatening to kick her off of his property. they rebuked him for his behavior, reminding him that Monica had cared for him as for her own son. he was convicted by their words, came to her, and begged for forgiveness. he is no longer forcing her to leave. i was amazed at the Lord's goodness and speed of action. we prayed for her again. she asked us to please keep coming back, saying Jesus had sent us to her. she said every time we come and pray, she feels more and more of the fear break off.

to quote our ever-wise Abuba, "Surely, He takes care of the widows..."

Jesus loves children

for the past few weeks, i've been driving over to the local primary school and preaching to the students. last year, some of our fiery girls asked the headmaster (principal) if they could have one class period for prayers, worship, and preaching. he was a Muslim but granted their request, and they ended up leading him to Jesus. sometime afterward, he passed away. truly, the Lord was merciful to him. this year, the new headmaster, a true loves of Jesus, permitted the program to continue and was excited about me coming every week to speak to the children. so every wednesday, we gather as many as want to come under the mango tree, worship, and I share a short message. the whole exploit is by no means orderly and organized. there's kids everywhere, talking, pushing each other, some climbing the tree, staring at me. it's kind of a chaotic mess :) i wonder if they are even hearing what i am saying or if they are just coming because i'm white and it's something new and fascinating for them. (most of them have not seen many, if any, white people in their lifetimes). often i feel that this is accomplishing nothing. but i feel the presence of the Lord during worship. i close my eyes and actually get lost in it, which is hard to do when 100 curious faces are staring at you. but it's that thick. last week, i distinctly felt the Lord's pleasure over me and these children. this week, the headmaster approached me and said he has seen a change in the children since we've been doing the meetings. he said they've started treating each other better, being more loving and kind to one another. this made my heart really glad. i realize that God is more powerful than distractions, short attention span, and religious legalism. His word does not return void. even if these kids catch 2 words of what i'm saying, He'll pierce their hearts with them, and these 2 words will bear fruit. i've always prayed that God would anoint my preaching, like He did the apostles' in the book of Acts. i would say to the Lord that if He doesn't put power on what i say, then i don't want to be saying it, because what i speak can't change anyone. God's doing it, in small ways, but i'll take it and be faithful with the little.

"...among whom you shine as lights in the world..."

Philippians 3 talks about the position of the saints on the earth. it conveys that saints all throughout history have lived in the midst of crooked and perverse generations. it doesn't matter what time period or nation, we have been surrounded by darkness and witnessed the wickedness of the heart of man in ways varying throughout history. the Word affirms that in the midst of perverse generations, the Lord's people have always shone. the darkness has never been so powerful to snuff out the light of the saints. the gates of hell have yet to prevail. the greater the darkness, the more beautifully these lights have shone, and continue to shine.

we've got some phenomenal shining lights here in Sudan, whom i have had the honor to meet and get to know. i'm not exaggerating when i say i am truly humbled in the presence of these saints. whether it is due to the darkness that is so great in this land or the extraordinary amount of Holy Spirit that these people retain in their hearts, one thing is certain - i have never met people whose light so tangibly and visibly spills over and floods everywhere they step and everyone they touch.

Mama Regina (or Abuba, as everyone here calls her, meaning "grandma") is probably my favorite adult in Sudan. she's one of the mamas, caretakers, on our compound, and cares for all the toddlers. she's my best language teacher because she doesn't speak a word of English so i am forced to learn and improve my Arabic around her. she's illiterate. she has survived both wars and outlived her children and grandchildren. none of the sufferings of her life are written on her, at all. she's hilarious, always joking and cracking everyone up. her laugh is amazing, this deep, gutteral laugh that makes me laugh just hearing it. her employment at Iris is God's goodness in her life because she has no living family to care for her. her testimony is "surely, God cares for the widows." the kids absolutely adore her. they always gather at her house, sit by her fire in the evenings. she's constantly speaking identity over them. one of our teenage girls came to us pregnant with no where to go. she moved in with Abuba and has come alive since. she wants Abuba to name her baby (due very soon!) she truly knows the Lord, even though she's never read a word of the Bible. i adore her. even though we can't have deep conversations because of language limitations, i love sitting with her on her porch. it's like i'm drawn to her, and i know it's the Spirit. i look at her and an amazed. Abuba is one of the most beautiful people i've ever met, filled with the Spirit, radiating Christ.

another shining light is pastor John Sebit. he recently came on staff with Iris, but we've had a partnership with him for a while. he's an evangelist who has taken major bullets for Jesus (literally). getting saved at 30 years of age, he got crazy for Jesus and started preaching the Gospel on the front lines of the civil war conflict, to soldiers. i have yet to hear his stories. John is like my grandpa here. like Abuba, he's hilarious. he's always playing tricks on me, punching me in the arm, asking me to bring him candy. he speaks english very well and i love talking to Him about the Lord. the quality that characterizes him is faith. he's full of it. given what he's been through and the miracles he's seen, his faith is huge. he seems to always be calm and at peace; nothing moves him. we are doing outreach together to the markets every saturday, with some of the children. he's leading it and i'm preaching. i hope that by hanging out with him, some of his faith rubs off on me.

another person i've been struck by upon acquaintance is pastor Hector. he pastors a church in a village about 3 days' journey from here, called Chikudum, in East Equatoria. Iris partners with his work and supports him, and he came to our Leaders Prayer and Revival Conference last month. the story of how he came to partner with Iris is incredible. michele cried when she told me. his area of Sudan is plagued by cattle-raiding, tribes attacking one another for the acquisition of cattle (necessary for daughters' dowries). many children are orphaned as a result. during one such raid, 5 children were orphaned and Hector was determined to find them a home. he made the 5 day journey to Juba (the closest big city) to find an orphanage. the one he found was not God-centered; he could tell the children were not being loved and refused to leave these kids there. he prayed and the Lord said, "Go to Yei", where he found Michele and Iris Ministries. we took 2 of the children, the other 3 went to another orphanage. Michele was so moved by Hector's faith and love. she sent a letter with him to his church saying that we are standing with them. they were so grateful for the message that several months later, they came to Yei just to express their thanks. Hector's church has adopted 25 children; they are cared for in community, by the church families. this is exactly Iris' vision - to awaken the Church in Sudan to care for the orphan and widow, and Hector's small, poor church is doing it.

when i met Hector, i literally felt like i was in the presence of a hero. i almost cried shaking his hand. i just wanted to kneel and wash his feet. this one will never have a platform or a name, but boy is he great in the Kingdom. i think of Hebrews 11 and the Hall of Faith. his name is there. i bet his mansion in heaven will be massive, and i'll be honored to serve him coffee :)

the thread that unites these 3 saints is their faith and their joy. all of them have incredible, genuine, huge smiles. all of them trust God whole-heartedly. i know they get stressed and feel pain and sadness, of course. but they maintain a supernatural calmness and joy that i have never seen before.

in this nation of much poverty, corruption, pain, religious tradition and legalism, these 3 shine.

two of our boys, Arikangelo (boy on left, that's his warrior face) and Amule (pronounced a-moo-lay, not "a mule" haha!), recently graduated secondary school and moved off the compound. they are attending the Yei Vocational Training College, training to be drivers/mechanics. it's great to see our kids "leaving the nest" and stepping out into the real world to make a life for themselves. i visited Arikangelo yesterday because we missionaries have a weekly Bible study that meets near the YVTC. i was so encouraged by our brief interaction because i saw how much the Lord had worked in his heart throughout his time at Iris. the college leadership asked him to preach at church the next Sunday, because they can see that he is a leader and a preacher. they also want to elect him as the Head Boy, which is the equivalent of class president in the U.S. but the heart-leap moment for me was when he told me his sermon topic. he wants to preach on fasting and call the students to fast every Friday for Sudan!! he asked me where the verse in Esther was about her calling the Jews to fast. Arikangelo really caught the vision and heart for fasting when i introduced it to the kids. from the first day he did it, he loved it. he felt strong, he felt grace, his heart was alive, and the Lord has answered his prayers and showed him His provision as he has fasted and prayed.

i'm so proud of Arikangelo, for how much he has grown in God. this is what it's all about, raising up and equipping people and them going out and doing the same. the Lord is spreading the message of prayer and fasting and He's using our kids - the least likely, the outcast. so like God...

3 of our kids

one of my favorite things to do is play with our smallest kids in the morning. the compound is pretty quiet because most children are at school, only the toddlers remain. we have about 8, and they all laugh when i walk up and shout "Arfa ana!" - "Pick me up!" after a few rounds of picking each of them up and swinging them around, i'm pretty tired, so i'll sit down with them of just stand. they battle to hold my hands and i try to have enough fingers available for them all to hold. i'll usually have 2 kids on one side and 3 on the other. one little boy that is recently warming my heart is jackson. he, along with his brother and sister, are our most recent arrivals. their mother went crazy and abandoned the children. their father is a soldier and is away a lot. he had left them in the care of a friend with enough money for 6 months. he was gone for 2 years, and the children lived practically untended to in the army barracks. they came to us sick and sad. the friend who was supposed to have been taking care of them did not even know their names. the girl is about 12, and you can see that she has suffered much, probably all kinds of rape and abuse. she rarely smiles and is somewhat rough and hardened. you can see the affects of the cruel life they've lived on the older boy, about 8, as well. he's active and plays with the kids but will often hit and fight with the others for no reason. but the youngest, jackson (pictured), about 5, has somehow managed to come out of his harsh life unscathed. he is such a sweet and gentle boy. he's very calm and quiet most of the time.

yesterday, i picked him up and he just gently rested his head on my shoulder and smiled. i rubbed his back and he laughed. i thought i was going to melt. the Lord is truly cultivating a mother's heart in me. i'm believing that as these 3 children are at Iris in the presence of the Lord and His Spirit, He will fully restore them and heal their broken hearts, as He's done with so many others.

when nothing works....and then, when it does

when nothing works....

i had a really rough week last week. first and worst of all, i got malaria. i had a 106 fever, my body ached, and my head throbbed. i would go from pouring cold water on myself (with clothes on) to shivering cold after the medicine would take effect. the fever combined with the heat outside and no breeze made for a pretty miserable state. after the malaria abated thanks to medicine, i had to contend with the most awful cold sores on my mouth that i have ever had (my body's reaction to the intense fevers). i could barely talk or eat.

other things fell apart as well. right when i came to Sudan, the visa requirements changed to $50 every month, instead of $50 every 3 months. this is a huge financial burden on the expats in the country, and some of them complained in Juba and immigration changed the requirements back to $50 for 3 months. i was very excited by this news, but apparently it had not reached Yei yet. i went to the airport and was denied a 3-month visa. they instructed me to go to the immigration office in town. i went that day and was denied the visa again. i had to concede to spending $50 for a 1-month visa and went to exchange my $100 bill at the local exchange place. i handed them the money and they denied me a good exchange rate because of a small red stamp on the bill. WHAT?!?!? i tried to maintain peace but just couldn't. i told them this was ridiculous and just walked away, having settled for the lower exchange rate. then another day that week, i walked for about an hour, in the heat, to reach an NGO that has a good internet connection so that i could email out my january-february update (still have not been able to send). it just so happens that that day, the internet was not working, for some reason, which has never happened to me before. i was about to cry.

and then, when it does...

this past sunday, jennie and i traveled to arua, uganda to do banking and get the Iris mail. we had to take public transport, which can be up to an 8-hour journey, what with getting stopped and hassled at road check points for no reason, border control stopping the vehicle for inquiry for hours, the 2 foot ditches and potholes on the road....you get the point. not to mention our vehicle was named "No hurry in Africa" (all the cars here have names stamped on the windshields). jennie and i laughed and said it was prophetic for our trip. but it took only 5.5 hours, and practically no trouble along the way. we stayed at an amazing hotel, paradise to me after living in difficult and meager conditions in one of the poorest places on earth. the hotel had american food and a swimming pool!!! all i had wanted for weeks was a burger, and they had it! the next day, we went to the bank to withdraw money and set up an account for me. a process that could have taken 4 hours (as it has in the past) took only 2, no trouble at all. we had lunch at an indian restaurant, another craving of mine. i charged my phone at a local cell phone shop, having been unable to do so for days because my charger was broken. when i didn't have small enough change to pay for the service, they let me go for free! this is unheard of around here, someone graciously giving a free service. i knew it was the Lord. then i ran into some friends unexpectedly at the hotel who had just arrived and whose driver was heading back to Yei that morning. the trip back took 3.5 hours, a miracle!

the stress of daily life is compounded here. the normal stresses that i am accustomed to in the States are exponentially magnified here. it's a whole new level of learning to walk in peace and maintain a state of resting in the Lord. i consider myself to be a pretty laid back person who's not stressed out easily. but here, i'm close to exploding every other day. there's always something going wrong, someone causing trouble, something falling apart. God is definitely going to take me deeper into the truth of entering the place of rest.

at the same time, there are those days when everything falls into place. when this happens, i feel His grace and mercy, how kind He is to me. i pray He keeps these days coming, but at the same time teaches me to walk in peace on the other (more frequent in occurrence) days.

our babies worshiping

this is super cute. i caught the kids singing one of our worship songs here. the lyrics go "Sing glory glory, sing hallelujah. No turning back, no turning back." They think it goes "Sing lolly lolly, sing hallelujah...." it's so cute! when you hear the song change in the video, it's cuz they see our black truck called a "tipa" drive by and start singing about that. their names from right to left are: aba, ima, vicky, peter, daniel. vicky's got a porridge mustache too :)

God is my portion

when it comes to the things of God, i have a zeal for authenticity. i resist hype, exaggeration, us trying to help God out because it seems like what He does in and of Himself is not "cool" enough, impressive enough, and doesn't make for a good enough story. as i am here in africa, i want to be real. i want to tell the truth - the good, the bad, and the ugly, the nitty gritty, if you will, the times when things work and they don't. many people think, as did i, that africa, or ministry among the poor in general = non stop salvation, healings, power of God coming down all the time. but it's not glory all the time. there are very real challenges, disappointments, times when nothing happens, no one gets healed, no one shows up. not that we settle for that. we don't focus on it or allow it to weigh us down. we always contend for fullness, for more. but i don't want to promote a false understanding or encourage a lie that we're just walking on water here and everyone is hungry and it's glory all the time. i don't want to only tell the glory stories. and i don't want to exaggerate what God does because i am undermining His power and His wisdom then, and thereby implying he's not right in the way that he chooses to move because it doesn't cause people to "ooohh and aaahh" and praise me.

i've had some Bible studies and prayer meetings recently that weren't all that great, let's put it that way. the kids were disengaged and looked bored. there just wasn't much on it. i know God is always there and always comes when we call, please understand i'm not questioning or denying this fact. but we all know that sometimes, the anointing is just not there or He doesn't show up as strong.

2 things i know. i am going to contend. i want to see the Acts 2 signs and wonders, especially people being convicted at the preaching of the Gospel (which, contrary to popular belief, does not happen automatically here.) i want to see the spirit of repentance fall and people hit the ground weeping as they rend their hearts. i also know that God is my portion. at the end of a day when everyone gets saved, people are healed, etc, i go to bed saying "This is not my portion, You are". and at the end of another day when no one gets saved and there's no anointing on anything, etc. you lie down and say the same thing. your identity is not what God does through you, but who you are - a son, a lover of Jesus. and so you're completely satisfied and content no matter what happens, or doesn't. this is what i'm learning.

more on fasting...[smile]

i forgot to tell the craziest thing from that Bible study. one of the verses i cited was Matthew 17:21 that says "But this one can come out by nothing but prayer and fasting," referencing the epileptic boy that Jesus' disciples were unable to heal. i ask the kids to turn to this verse and it's not in the Bibles. there were probably 4 different Bibles present (different translations and manufacturers) and none of them had this verse in them, except mine and jennie's Bible (different from one another). their Bibles ended on verse 20 and jumped right to verse 22. it's like someone purposely and blatantly erased this verse. it was so weird.

today i preached at our church for the first time! i was a little nervous, but overcame it quickly. the atmosphere is very unintimidating as it is a bunch of children (which is what i love about it). guess what i preached on?......FASTING! it's just been on my heart so strong and it's the only impression i got from the Lord when i asked to preach. i essentially related what i had taught in the Bible study, specifically the story of Esther and how fasting saved a nation. i said God will do the same thing in Sudan - He will save our nation as we fast and cry out. i called them all to join in the Friday fasting. the response was great, a lot of "amens". but the most exuberant outcry came when i said that the older ones will fast all day until breakfast but the younger ones could fast until supper that night. they really cheered then! two of the 3-year olds coming up to me afterwards saying "Fasting fasting". it was so cute! i told them they were a little too young, but it warmed my heart so much, and it showed that in spite of their short attention spam and antsy-ness during service, they really are hearing the Word.

the crazy thing is, today is the last day of Purim according to the Jewish calendar! i had no idea when i preached this message. God is truly speaking to the Church in Sudan about fasting, that this is the key to revival and salvation in Sudan.

you are welcome to join us if you like :)

fasting stories

this is a big year for Sudan. we are having elections in April, the first free elections in decades. next January, the Comprehensive Peace Agreement (CPA) erected in 2005 which ended the 20+ year civil wars between the North and South comes to an end, and a referendum will be held to decide whether southern Sudan becomes its own nation. there are many concerns and issues on the table, and it could potentially be a very tense and unstable time.

last Saturday, i taught a Bible study about fasting to about 12 of our older guys and girls (15-25 year olds). God's Spirit was very present. i called all of them to commit to fasting one day per week - for themselves, for intimacy, for their country. there were some questions and some doubt as to whether one could actually fast for 24 hours without dying, which i assured them they could, that they would be weak, but this was the point - to be weak so that God's presence can be stronger. i said that God is raising up a prayer and fasting movement of youth in Sudan, and spoke into them that they are the leaders on this compound and of the Church today. if they do this, the rest will follow, and they will lead the Church in it. the response was an excited and exuberant "yes!" and we chose Fridays as our weekly fasting day.

that Friday, we held our first weekend-long conference (to be written about in a later blog). throughout the morning i was asking around to see whether they were actually fasting. every single one who attended that Bible study was fasting. the overwhelming response to "how is it going? how do you feel?" was "i feel strong. i don't even feel hungry. it's great!" the lunch that day was particularly good too, and none of them ate it. my heart was glad. but it got better. after the afternoon conference session, i walk out of the building on my way back to the compound and see about 10 of our younger kids (10-14 year olds) sitting in the shade with water bottles. i ask them what they're doing, and they say their all fasting and staying far away from the kitchen to not be tempted by the food. my eyes widened and mouth dropped. i hadn't called them to it or even talked to them about fasting every Friday, but they found out and jumped on board. as it turns out, about 30 of our kids fasted that day. our cook came up to jennie and said "what's going on, why is no one eating lunch?" i found out little 4-year old Peter refused his porridge that morning saying he was fasting and ate nothing until noon. my heart was leaping for joy. they kept telling me that they felt strong and God was giving so much grace. they loved it. the next morning, the completion of the fast, i awoke to the boys singing worship songs. jennie (in the bunk above me) says "irina, i have never heard the boys sing in the morning. the girls always do it, but i've never heard the boys." one of them exclaimed "praise God i'm alive!" it was hilarious and so precious and pure. one testified this week that God already answered his fasting and gave him that which he was asking for.

i was overwhelmed by the kids' hunger, faith, perseverance, and love for Jesus. this experience showed me that i don't have to do much. i just have to make the call, hold the Bible study, organize the prayer meeting, essentially say "let's do this" and God will breathe on it. we had a prayer meeting at 5:30pm on the fasting day, to pray for Sudan and for one another. it was so beautiful to see their little hearts crying out for their nation. in the midst of political turmoil and uncertain futures, God will hear these children and respond. the earthly powers-that-be and their strategies are but dust, and our war is not against them anyway. these children, cast off by society and deemed insignificant, are wielding the true weapons of warfare. they are the ones seated with Christ, and they hold true power. the Kingdom belongs to such as these.

things that make me laugh

here is a sample of Sudanese worship music, 2 of my favorite (hilarious) songs:

1 - "Shake shake shake shake the devil off" (repeat forever)

2 - "Your boyfriend can let you down
Your girlfriend can let you down
The men of this world can let you down but Jesus never fails" (this one cracks me up!)

also, the very small children never wear underwear or diapers (these are practically unheard of) and rarely wear pants, skirts, or really any type of clothing below the waist. twice now when i've held 2 of them on my lap, they've pooped on me, or just wiped themselves on me from previous poops. hahaha! i love the mission field...

travels and impressions

This week I traveled to a village called Panyana with a couple named John and Poppy Spens, fellow missionaries in Yei with the Anglican church from the UK…whom I love. They are a whacky, hilarious couple who have a beautiful marriage and relationship. (Interjection: we have a Bible study every Sunday at their house for all the missionaries in the area. There are quite a few, about 20, I was surprised. I thought I’d be the only one, along with the other Iris folk, but there’s a great community here. My absolute favorite part about it is that there are several denominations represented, but I have no clue how many is because no one talks about it. No one cares. All that matters is that we all love Jesus. Right now we are going through the book of Ephesians verse by verse. This past Sunday, I led the discussion of Eph. 2:1-10, it was so great. It’s a true picture of the Body of Christ being one. The mission field and the difficulty of the living and working here, the warfare, truly brings the church together. I guess you stop caring about theological and doctrinal differences and just support and love one another). The drive was 2 hours along very bumpy, dusty roads, but fun :). We were there to help with a week-long youth conference. We walked in to joyous African worship, lots of dancing and shouting. That day we hiked up to the mountain there. The view was beautiful and it started to rain!! This is super rare at this time in Sudan, so it is a huge blessing, even though I was freezing (which is better than being sweating hot to the point of wanting to pass out). We worshiped in the rain, under a really flimsy tarp, but Jesus loved it! The next day Poppy and I spoke to the girls (about 40 of them) about, get this….fashion!!! Hahaha! As if I am any authority on this topic…some of you know how I dressed in college  Poppy is the same way, she thought it was hilarious. We ended up speaking about modesty in dress and not causing our brothers to stumble, and prayed for some of the girls at the end.

John spoke to the men about the marriage relationship and how to treat wives/women. This topic of men and women, right Biblical relationship, marriage, has come up pretty much every day this week. My eyes have been opened anew to the oppression and terrible treatment of women here. Some of the questions the youth asked were very difficult and point to how drastically different this culture is, but how we must maintain the Biblical standard even if it confronts the whole of society. One was “What if a husband and wife can’t have children? Can the man go and seek another wife?” Because infertility is always the woman’s fault. The answer was no, of course, but this is challenging here because children are a valuable possession (not that they are always treated well, but they are a measurement of one’s success). Another question was “I am a Christian now and have repented, but I have 2 wives from pre-Christian days. What do I do?” We didn’t know the answer to this one, because if he chooses one the other will be out on the street, and how can he choose one? Beating of wives was also addressed, a very common practice here. One the drive back, I noticed mostly women on the roads carrying various loads on their heads – water, straw, bananas. Now I recently tried to place a standard water jug on my head. I swear I thought it was gonna crush my skull. The thing must have weighed 50 lbs. Beira, who was helping me, was laughing and said “African women are stronger than men.” I witnessed the truth of this statement on the drive back, as these women carried these heavy loads. John and Poppy told me they walk back and forth between watering holes and markets for miles every day – to wash clothes, fetch water, sell/buy wares. Essentially, the women do everything – cooking, cleaning, raising children. Often times the men are jobless, so they just sit around because all this is “women’s work”. On top of that, like I said, they are often beaten. Then I got back to the compound and one of the girls told me about an altercation she had with one of the guys about this topic. He was saying men are better than women, because Eve was the reason for sin and Adam was created first. I don’t know if he had been joking or not. He’s a wonderful guy who loves Jesus a lot, but the fact that he could think like this again points to how deep-rooted this mindset is in this culture that it permeates even true God-loving people. She had been upset and I was like, “That’s it, we’re doing a Bible study on this!” Then I’m sitting at breakfast with some of the male staff and we’re talking about malaria (rampant here, everyone’s had it multiple times). The female mosquito carries malaria, and a comment is made “See, women cause trouble!” And they went into how women in positions of authority are so much harsher than men in the same positions. We mostly laughed about it and took it lightly, but I made sure to express the fact that anyone without Jesus is not going to act righteously (I mean look at the presidents of Sudan and the war that had raged for decades) and both men and women have weaknesses and strengths. Yesterday night we did the Bible study with the older kids (I say kids, but some of them are my age), and it was great, I think the best Bible study thus far. It went for about 2 hours, there were many questions and all were attentive. I taught how men and women were equal, how both were at fault in the Fall, and the Biblical marriage relationship/roles of husband and wife (Eph 5). I spoke about the importance of choosing wisely whom you marry, with a lot of prayer and observation of the person’s character, not hastily. We talked very openly and candidly, which was refreshing. The kids want to do another Bible study on this topic, wanting to learn what it means for a man to lead his family, what he must do, etc. I think there was breakthrough, and I am very confident that they will be wonderful husbands and wives.

In light of these issues of female oppression here, I’m starting to get a real heart for the women here, especially our girls. I can see that because of the culture’s treatment of and perception of women as slaves and property, even those who know Jesus are under the yoke of this mindset. They are not confident like the boys are. It is mostly the boys who talk in Bible study, and it’s like pulling teeth trying to get the girls to talk. When I speak to them, a lot of them won’t look me in the eyes. They carry a lot of shame and insecurity. I want to tackle this head on and speak over them their beauty, identity, and purpose. I’m gonna be doing a Bible study with the girls separately and hitting on these things.

Thanks to all of you for reading my blog and praying for me, it means a lot to me :)

[can't think of a title...it's too hot]

Today makes 2 weeks in Sudan. I am learning to rest in God. As I said in my previous post, Michele is currently traveling in the States, therefore I do not have a concrete job here yet. So it's been a lot of nothing to do. This is hard for someone like me, who lives for impact and wants to be spent in this life for the sake of souls and the increase of the Kingdom. My motto is “I will rest in heaven.” God is confronting this mindset. I am not a worker but a lover. My primary identity is not that of missionary or minister, but daughter of God. So I know God is in this. He wants me to just relax, enjoy getting to know the children and spending time with them, even though I often feel like nothing is being accomplished through me doing this. I am bombarded with “But there are so many who need Jesus, so many sick and dying, bound....” Here's that Messiah complex rearing its head. I have to shut these thoughts down and understand that I am truly in His will, exactly where I need to be, and He will make a way for all things.

I went to the hospital the other day with one of the older Iris boys, Edward. It was about a 30 minute walk, but the most grueling 30 minutes ever. The heat here is unbelievable. During the hottest part of the day, in the sun, it's about 105 degrees, and not a cloud in the sky. Even though these are the winter months, they are the hottest because it's the dry season. (When the rains come during the summer months, it cools down). We got there and went to the sick children's ward. The hospital was pretty dilapidated and unsanitary – there was a stray cat lying in the entrance to the kids' ward – but not as bad as I expected. Here in Africa, they let you just walk in, pray, preach, sing...whatever. There aren't the strict rules about visitation rights and privacy we have in the States. So we walk over to the moms sitting with their sick kids and ask to pray for them. There's a general aura of despair in the room, you can see it on the women's faces. Most of the kids have fevers, diarrhea, various symptoms the causes of which are unknown. We would pray for the children and I would ask the moms if they knew Jesus. Most said yes, although some of them may not truly be saved (Christianity is a culture here in southern Sudan where “everyone is saved”). We would pray for the moms as well. Then we walked back, and I pretty much collapsed when I got back to the compound. I have to say the whole thing was just plain hard. Maybe some of those kids will be healed in the next few days, but I did not see any immediate changes when we prayed. I've prayed for lots of sick people and have seen very few actually get healed. I believe God's will is to heal and He wants to use us to do it. Jesus said “Heal the sick,” not “Pray for the sick.” I'm still waiting for this to be true in my life; I'm not sure why God delays or why He doesn't heal everyone we pray for, so I'm a bit discouraged, but I'm not going to stop praying for the sick. Edward leads the small Iris children in a daily devotional, where he has them memorize Scripture. Even the little 3-year olds know John 3:16, 14:6, 3:3, Jeremiah 29:11, and several others by heart. I'm gonna record one of the little girls reciting one of these days, it's the sweetest, most precious thing. Anyways, the kids keep asking him “When are we going to go to the hospital to pray for the sick?” They're getting it – they know who Jesus is and they know who they are in Him. This is totally my heart – to equip and release children in signs and wonders. So I'm gonna work on some schedule/transportation plan to take teams of these kids to the hospital regularly.

A few days ago, Holy Spirit broke out in our kitchen while some of the girls were cooking. They all stopped cooking and started dancing, singing, praising God, for a solid 1.5 hours. Super way delayed, but it was so much fun. Everyone was dancing full force, clothes drenched in sweat by the end of it. It was just the spontaneous rejoicing in Jesus, laughter...so beautiful.

I've got 2 more stories to share. Edward (18) my hospital accomplice, spent several years in a refugee camp during the war. His parents both died from sickness. After the war, he went to live with a step-uncle in Yei who was an alcoholic and drank all the money away. He survived on coconut for one year. He was miserable, hopeless, living in sin, having grown up in a “Christian” family..and then Iris Min took him in and he met Jesus, for real. He was telling me how much suffering he has been through in his life, and that God spoke to him on Friday “The time of suffering is over” and he rejoiced. This kid carried such peace and humility, and his smile is contagious.

There's Tito, an older man and the compound manager. He spent 20 years in a refugee camp. He said there was no work, no school, just plain nothing to do...for 20 years.

Being here is producing a true cry in me of “Come Lord Jesus, return to us.” This world is empty and poor, and Jesus is changing lives today for sure, but there will not be full restoration and an end to all pain until He comes back to us. I long for no more tears, no more sorrow, no more crying, no more pain. Until that day, I am going to set my mind on things above and storm the gates of hell with this Kingdom that is in me.