free

one great thing that is/has happened to me in this hard season is such freedom from obligation and pressure. i didn't even realize i had lived like this for so long until i got so tired i could not sustain it anymore. ever since i became a Christian, i've led Bible studies, done outreaches, discipled people, held prayer meetings...i've always been doing something ministry-wise, i'll call it official ministry. i loved Jesus and i wanted to make Him known to others. i read His commands and wanted to follow, to please Him. my heart was sincere. but most of the time, i felt obligated to do the official ministry stuff because i was a Christian and this came with the package. there was not much enjoyment in it for me.

once i came to Sudan and the comforts and legitimate pleasures i was used to were removed from my life, i just could not keep doing ministry. obligation alone, my own self-inflicted pressure, was not enough to keep me going anymore. there were so many times when i would say to myself, "ok Irina, do a Bible study for the kids tonight. they love Bible studies and they'll grow from it, just do it." but the evening would come around and i just could not pull myself together to do it. i was too exhausted in my heart. i was not being poured into, filled up, encouraged because my friends were not around to talk to, i couldn't access IHOP webstream, and i couldn't drive down the road to an amazing worship meeting...when these sources of strength and infilling are present, even if i truly don't want to be doing a certain ministry thing, obligation is a strong enough prompting to cause me to do that thing. even though doing the ministry things did not feel life-giving most of the time, because i was filled up in my spirit and prospering in my heart, i could manage to exert the effort necessary to do it. out here, obligation lost its power. i completely stopped doing everything official, organized ministry - Bible studies, outreaches, prayer meetings. once i stopped it all and completely removed myself from it, i understood the pressure that i had been living under my entire Christian life. i came back to Sudan and all i wanted (and still want) to do in the area of ministry is talk with the older kids and play with the little ones. that's it. i have no desire and no energy in my heart to do anything else....and i realized i don't HAVE to. Mike Bickle said an amazing thing in his Song of Solomon teaching that i'm currently listening to: "Everything you do won't ultimately matter if its roots weren't found in passion for God. The biggest ministry means nothing if it wasn't flowing out of love for God." this was the most freeing statement i have ever heard. God, you mean i don't HAVE to do weekly Bible studies? i don't HAVE to go on outreaches and evangelize? Exactly, i don't have to. i am loving simple, life-on-life ministry these days, the kind where you just talk with people, laugh with them, tell jokes, talk about Jesus. i am not at all saying Bible studies, outreaches, etc are not valid. they are totally necessary and good and Jesus clearly calls us to disciple, preach, teach, minister. but if it's not coming out of desire and true enjoyment of what you're doing, if the majority of the fuel is obligation to the Gospel, then it's just not worth doing. it will make you tired, unhappy, and anxious for the thing to end.

i feel very free. every day i do what i want to be doing. of course issues and conflicts arise that must be resolved and of course no one ever wants to deal with that stuff. of course there are things daily that i have to do that i may not feel like doing - that's life. what i'm saying is, in my work and ministry, i only do what i want to do, what makes my heart happy, what gives me pleasure and satisfaction, what feeds my soul. this is a much better way to live, and i think i'm gonna keep it.