reflections - family and derek loux's passing

well i haven't been here in some time, i don't know what to talk about. much has happened, not in the sense of events, but in the sense of thoughts, questions, lessons, challenges...home is tough. my eyes are always opened to something new when i visit - a new lesson from the Lord (usually revolving around humility, boldness, and loving those who persecute you), new brokenness in my family members' lives. but mostly i am flat out confused when i'm here. not "why is this happening to me"..that's easy - Jesus said the world would hate us because we're of Him; Paul called it the fellowship of His suffering (Phil 3); he says that it's been granted to us on behalf of Christ not only to believe in Him but also to suffer for His sake (Phil 1); Peter tells us to not be surprised when we're persecuted, as if something strange were happening, for that to this we were called, because Christ suffered for us and left us an example to follow in His steps (1 Peter 3, 4). i could go on and on, but the point is if you follow Jesus, those who don't are gonna hate you for it, and these ones happen to be my family. my confusion is how do i act, what do i do, when do i keep silent and when do i speak truth. i've wrestled with so much condemnation because i never know whether the way i behaved/what i said in the last moment was the right thing or not, and when i fail, i feel the fear that now they're never gonna get saved because i'm a poor witness of Jesus. God's bringing me to a place where i completely let go of all control (a big struggle for me), where i stop analyzing and over-analyzing every move i make and rest in the freedom that even if i do everything wrong, God is moving upon their hearts...because He wants them saved more than i do, and He doesn't need my help. i need to stop diminishing His power down to my abilities and see that He's a lot better at what He does than i am, and stronger than my weakest weakness. so i've said, "God, i don't know how You're gonna do this, but i commit them into Your hands, and trust Your ways."

another permanent contemplation of these past few weeks has been the death of a man who restored hope to me - Derek Loux. he was a leader at ihop and died in a car accident Dec 23, leaving behind a wife and 10 children (8 adopted). i'm not gonna go into all he was and did at ihop, but his main mark was pure and undefiled religion - caring for the orphan and challenging the Body to do the same. he preached a message of adoption and the Father's heart - our identity as sons and the calling upon the Church to adopt and help the orphan. he spoke at a conference we held at zhop in '08. i wept the whole time because i realized it was actually possible to be a missionary and adopt children (costs minimum $10,000 per child), to just be crazy and take them in one after the other, that if you say yes first then God brings the money in. he was living proof that God was raising up fathers and mothers after His heart. and then he just dies, in a seemingly senseless way. i couldn't/still can't understand why, when there are so few fathers and so few who say yes to this call of loving the orphan, God would raise one up and take Him away from us...and was it God who let him go, or did the enemy steal him from us. i can't understand why God would provide a father for 8 orphans only to leave them fatherless again. i can't understand why a man who was so influential in stirring the Church to adopt and had so much more stirring ahead of him would be snatched so tragically and suddenly. i grieve with the Loux family.

that's what i feel, here's what i know. Jesus is good. Jesus weeps with us over the earth's loss. His ways are just and true. the other theological questions we shouldn't even entertain because we're not gonna figure it out anyway. one day (soon) it will be clear. John 12:24 says "if a seed goes into the ground and dies, it bears much fruit", no matter the manner of death. God's gonna multiply Derek's life and use his death to cause thousands of fathers to arise and tens of thousands of orphans to be brought into the Kingdom. those 10 children he had are not fatherless, because through Derek they have come to know the Father Himself. they will never be orphans. and most importantly, there is a day in the ever so near future when He will dry every tear, and He gives abundant grace until that day.

please visit www.randybohlender.com for an excellent article putting to words the emotions surrounding this situation. also see www.josiahfund.org to read and donate to Derek's vision.

in conclusion, a lot has been reeling in my mind, a lot more than usual. even though i have many questions, i feel a strange clarity. not a clarity that comes in the form of answers, but a clarity that comes from the presence of Jesus, a clarity in the Spirit. i don't know what or why or how, but i feel His nearness, and so i have peace that it's all ok.

Former Muslim testifies @ IHOP - Amazing!

Trailer of a documentary of the ministry I'll be working with in Sudan - beautiful!

The white lady is Michele Perry, the director of Iris-Sudan

Irina's Top 10 Reading List

(in no particular order)

1. "The Hidden Power of Prayer and Fasting" by Mahesh Chavda; this book opened my eyes to the power of fasting and spurred me on into this part of the Christian walk

2. "Visions Beyond the Veil" - by H.A. Baker; it will take you about 2 hours to read. the author was Rolland Baker's grandfather who operated an orphanage in China in the 1920s. these beggars and street kids, the "bad" ones of society, were profoundly visited by the Holy Spirit and experienced distinct and vivid vision of heaven, hell, angels, demons, sin, redemption, and the age to come. the impact was powerful transformation resulting in power evangelism, preaching of the gospel, and ministering in the power of the Holy Spirit on the streets. some of the children were as young as 5.

3. "Always Enough" - by Heidi and Rolland Baker; Rolland is H.A.'s grandson, and him and his wife continue in the spiritual heritage of his grandfather in Mozambique. coming to this nation in 1995, the Lord has released a mighty move of His Spirit through their ministry - 7,000 churches planted in Mozambique, 6,000 children adopted, and tens of mission bases planted in other nations. this book is about God's provision among the poorest children on earth. it wrecked me with the truth that God dwells among the lowly and brokenhearted.

4. "Rees Howells: Intercessor" - By Norman Grubb; a phenomenal biography about the power of intercession, and the reality that all God needs is one man/woman to say yes to Him to impact the earth for Him. reading it taught me that prayer is the most powerful tool we have and if we want to move mountains and be effective in expanding the Kingdom, we must become intercessors. this man's simple obedience to the Spirit in prayer not only ushered in salvations, but altered the course of entire nations in WWII.

5. "Seven Longings of the Human Heart" - by Mike Bickle; i must confess i have never read this one (those who know me well know i am infamous for recommending books i've never read, movies i'v never seen, and places i've never visited) but i hear it's good! it's about, well...7 longing of the human heart :)

6. "Listen to Me, Satan!" - Carlos Anacondia; one of the most amazing books on the deliverance ministry i've ever read. this guy led revivals in Argentina for years, an ordinary business man dramatically saved and anointed with power for deliverance, his ministry marked by his humility. his signature move was to get on stage and shout "Listen to Me Satan!!!" and people all over the stadium would begin manifesting demons, taken to deliverance tents where they received ministry for as long as 6-8 hours. some of the most incredible testimonies i've ever heard are found in this book, firsthand accounts from the mouths of those who were delivered.

7. "Extreme Devotion" - by various; a daily devotional from the Voice of the Martyrs (persecution.com), 365 accounts of martyrs and those who loved Jesus no matter what the cost throughout history. this book will wreck you with how worthy He is of everything and with the reality that when we truly count the cost and count all things a loss, we will find a joy and glory that surpasses anything we could experience otherwise. plus it will give you a burden to pray for the persecuted church.

8. "Tortured for Christ" - by Richard Wurmbrand; along the same lines, this man started the organization Voice of the Martyrs. he was in Roman communist prisons for 14 years for the gospel, his wife confined for 3 years. he experienced intense persecution, but tapped into a beautiful joy and presence of Jesus in that place of suffering.

9. "Humility" - by Andrew Murray; a classic, written in the 1800s, about humility as the path towards holiness. he offers profound insight into what humility is and is not, and about how it is the chief and foundational characteristic of who Jesus is pre-incarnation, as a man on earth, and now as God in heaven. i've felt tears well up in my eyes as i've been reading, feeling the reality of the beautiful humility of Jesus and His ministry, and it's created a deep longing in my heart for His humility, knowing that this is who He is, the meek and lowly One, and to be this is to be conformed to His likeness

10. "Peace Child" - by Don Richardson; a beautiful book about one man's zeal to reach an unreached, cannibalistic tribe of the Amazon rainforest who honored treachery and rewarded betrayal (in essence revering Judas as the hero in the story). it's remarkable how this man is able to preach to these people about Jesus. this book convinced me that God has placed the imprint of the Gospel story (God becoming a child and being offered by His Father as a sacrifice for sin) into every cultural group and tribe, no matter how wicked their culture and practices. the imprint of the Gospel is there, and missionaries must get to know the culture of those they minister to in order to find it and present the Gospel to them in the peoples' own context.

let me know if you read any of these :)

2 notes on Christ's humility

we all know Jesus was, and still is, the most humble One in all of history. there are many facets to and evidences of His humility, but i think the 2 most profound ones are seen in the circumstances of His birth and death. the uncreated One chose come not only as a man, but as a baby, born of flesh, and not just any baby, but the child of a poor family, born inside an animal stable. there was no available lodging in the town, a prophetic indication that even before He was born, He was already rejected by men (Isaiah 53) and homeless. they had no room for Him, no desire for Him.

His death was by crucifixion, reserved for the worst of criminals. He joyfully died as one of them. nothing stood out about Him. think of it this way...He's hanging on a cross with 2 others, people are passing by and pondering, "oh there's another one, i wonder what he did - murder, theft...", for a moment, and then forgetting, not even thinking for one second that this One could be innocent. i mean really, why would He be crucified, then? there's humility. but it goes one step deeper. not only did He die in this way, He was completely ok with being perceived this way by these passers-by, and by many from that time until today. He didn't care that this is what they thought, that He'd be just one of many criminals in their minds, easily forgotten, and He did not and does not seek to defend Himself.....humility

WHEN you fast...

in Matthew 6 in His sermon on the mount, Jesus talks about fasting in secret. His language of "when you fast" makes it clear that He's operating out of the assumption that we will fast, that we understand it's not an option. He does not say "if". the sermon on the mount is considered Christianity in a nutshell, the principles and practicals of what it means to follow Jesus. certainly they will take a lifetime to perfect, but nevertheless, this is the meat of Christianity. and if this is so, fasting should not be seen as something so radical. fasting is Christianity 101 and should be normal. in Mark 9, Jesus heals a boy of epilepsy by casting out a demon, and instructs His disciples when they are perplexed as to why they could not cast it out, "This kind can come out by nothing but prayer and fasting". in a book called "the power of prayer and fasting" by mahesh chavda (i highly recommend for all interested to learn about fasting, what it is and why it's so powerful), mahesh's journey into fasting begins when he works at a mental institution. one of the children he oversees is a 10-year old boy who has to be tied up in a straight jacket to prevent him from scratching and mutilating himself. clearly, a demon. Mahesh asks the Lord how to help this boy, and God gives Him this verse and tells him to go on a 10-day fast. Mahesh does, then goes to pray for the boy, says one sentence, and the boy flies back against the wall and the demon comes out. He takes off his straight jacket and is shocked by the fact that he has control over his body. this is one of many amazing testimonies from the power of fasting.

fasting must be a regular part of our Christian walk - 1-2 days a week, longer fasts of 3 days, 7, 10, 21 the big 40! we want to walk in power, have intimacy with Jesus, hear His voice clearly, etc...these come at a price. Salvation is free, but it will cost you everything you have - i love that paradox. fasting is one of the very effective tools He's given us to step into the things of His Spirit at a deeper level. it's not an end in and of itself, and we can't "get" God to do anything. No matter what we do, ultimately He's the one who has to sovereignly decide to move and pout our His Spirit. but He's given us principles and tools and instructions that he has said are effective and necessary for us. fasting is one of these.

i like to look at it this way too, if it helps. there is no fasting in heaven. when i get up there, i will feast on food 100 times better than anything on earth. why not go all out here and apply the tools He's given us to expand His Kingdom to the greatest possible measure on earth?

(comments please :) )

Holy Spirit's up to something!

for the past 3 days, there's been an increased presence and manifestation of the Spirit at IHOP. Holy Spirit outbreaks started happening early in the week over the Forerunner School of Ministry students, but it broke out big this past wednesday night and they canceled FSM class to allow Him to move. the leadership here recognizes God is doing something and so the past 2 nights there have been meetings from 6pm to midnight of about 2,000 people (no parking or seats anywhere) where people have been getting physically and emotionally healed and delivered. God is emphasizing the Father's heart - healing wounds and restoring people's identities as sons of God - and also the spirit of self-hatred. many have been delivered and many physically healed. the meetings are being held in the FSM building, which seats more than the prayer room. But even in the the prayer room His presence has been thicker, more tangible. yesterday i walked in and there were people everywhere laying hands on one another, shouting, crying, shaking. today, during the 8am set, the team was singing a song whose chorus is "All glory, dominion, forever and ever," a song where the focus is on the throne room and the holiness of God. His presence came strong, it was like He was taking us up. we started to pray for healing at the end. then at the noon set, the team was singing about the birth of Christ out of Luke 1, where the angel speaks to Mary and says that she has found favor with God and will birth the Son and name Him Jesus. the music was very joyful and upbeat, there was a violinist playing so it sounded like Fiddler on the Roof. they sang a chorus, "rejoice, rejoice, rejoice, His Kingdom will have no end" and the room went nuts. everyone was dancing, clapping, it was so fun and very different from the normal prayer room atmosphere or intensity and sobriety. i love the different ways God shows up and moves upon His people - in weeping, repentance, holiness, laughter, joy, dancing. it's all Him and it's all beautiful!

IHOP will be streaming the 6pm (CST) meeting for free until Sunday night. from there, the leadership will discuss what to do and how to best steward what God is doing. who knows, this could go on for a while. if you wanna get it on it, here's the link

http://IHOP.org/watch