restoration begins

my friend recently had a dream about me standing in a large, plastic tank (the kind we use in Sudan to retain water) being washed by the Sudanese, laughing and loving it. i immediately knew the dream meant that my joy was in part going to be restored by the people of Sudan. they were going to wash away the hurts and burdens and weariness acquired from the last year. i've been praying a lot for the Lord to do the resurrection work that He has promised to do in my heart, to give me those songs of joy for tears, gladness for mourning. for the last 2 weeks, i have felt the process begin. my heart feels lighter, happy. Wendy has been a great friend to have around. having someone i get along with well to talk to and spend time with regularly has made life so much better. i really am such a relational person who does not do well without good friends but who prospers when there is even one person that i relate to. the toddlers have been coming over fairly regularly to my house, and it truly energizes and makes my day when they do. i'll put on music and they'll dance around, we'll play ball games, i'll give them some cornflakes or raisins to munch on. i have felt the love of Abuba, mama Eudita, Betty, Tito lately. they'll joke with me, make fun of me, tell me they love me and miss me when they don't see me for a day or two. Tito bought me mango juice and donuts from town the other day. i can feel the pieces of my heart that were damaged being repaired through these moments of spending time with the people. i can feel that things about the culture that used to burden me so heavily are not affecting me as much anymore. i can feel the Spirit of God reaching into my heart and renewing broken places.

my heart feels good. God is faithful and is fulfilling His word to me. it's gonna be a good year.

psalm 126

i have been meditating on Psalm 126 for the last few months. i can't get out of it. every time i read it, the Lord's love washes over my heart. it goes -

"When the Lord brought back those of the captivity, we were like those who dream. Then our mouth was filled with laughter, And our tongue with singing. Then they said among the nations, “The LORD has done great things for them.” The LORD has done great things for us, And we are glad. Bring back our captivity, O LORD, As the streams in the South. Those who sow in tears Shall reap in joy. He who continually goes forth weeping, Bearing seed for sowing, Shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, Bringing his sheaves with him."

this is one of the most encouraging Scriptures, i think. i feel that it is so fitting for the season i'm in. i used to think these verses spoke of intercession and evangelism - sowing tears for the lost as seed and reaping the harvest. i've realized they mean more than that. it's also about sowing into your relationship with God. following Jesus has involved many tears for me, because i've responded to Him and His leadership. the Lord is saying that it is not in vain. the reward is joy. God has been speaking to me a lot about joy, about how he wants me to enjoy life and that this is going to be a good year for me. it's hard to hope, because it's just been painful for a long time. but i've heard it so many times that i know it's His word to me. i know i can trust Him. i'm in a place of such uncertainty about the future, not knowing where to go next or how to get there...but He is promising me joy. He is going to return to me everything that i have lost, resurrect what has been crushed inside of me, 100-fold, in this life and in the age to come.