i have always wondered what Paul's thorn was. it will be the first question i ask him when i get to heaven. a thorn can be many things - physical infirmity, emotional pain, a difficult life circumstance. we all are afflicted with different ones. i think thorns can be seasonal too, but some are probably lifelong. my thorn in this season is loneliness. (i wonder if this was Paul's, too). i've asked Him to take it away but it is clear that he has me in it for a season (i hope). there has been grace, but i also have never felt as alone in my life as i have in the last few months. (p.s. this is going to be a very vulnerable blog post. it's not meant to be depressing but real and honest). a friend had a dream about me that indicated that this was the season i was in - one of birthing the purposes of God alone. i can't say it was an encouraging word, but helpful to know that this season is orchestrated by God, not the product of some mistake or human error. i've come to a place where i can be very real with God and not try to be super spiritual, holy, abandoned, or strong. i say to Him, "God, this is painful and i don't like it. please let this season be over soon." He knows my heart; He knows i've given Him everything and have said, "Yes" to Him, so i don't have to be strong. i tell Him i don't understand, it hurts, and i ask for deliverance. i feel very distant from Him these days; i can't feel His presence and i can't see His smile. i'm relying on what i know, that He IS smiling, He LOVES me, He's WITH me.
all that to say it's been hard the last few weeks. i don't know what to make of it and can't draw some kind of conclusion. it's all a jumbled mess in my heart.
God is good. i'm in pain. i love Jesus. that's about all i got these days.
this is how I felt last year in Chicago. I know being in a (developed!) city in the U.S. cannot compare to being in Sudan, but I completely know the emotions you are saying. I never felt more alone than I was last year.
ReplyDeleteI remember someone told me at the time (it may even have been you!) that God uses our lonely seasons to grow tremendous fruit in us, and although i knew it was true, i was like - "God, does it really have to be this hard? Like ok, I can be lonely. But do I have to be THIS lonely? like lonely down to the bone and the core lonely?"
"God is good. I'm in pain. I love Jesus. that's about all i got these days." Just know that I've been there too! Like where you have to take life not just one day at a time, but even one hour at a time because the season of life you're in just HURTS.
However. You (or whoever told me that) was 100% right. The loneliness was a season of preparation. Without last year I would never have been ready/able to be in Korea this year. Actually here I'm not lonely - and I thank God every day for the people he has put into my life here. But the lessons I learned while I was lonely have equipped me to be able to get through this year.
I think after loneliness we come out with something,and that something is a bright shining jewel for God. I think what I learned was to hold God's hand through absolutely everything, and i didnt know how to do that before. What you will learn may be something different. But please know that 1) it is just a season and 2) PEOPLE FAR AWAY LOVE YOU. i know 2 people in Korea who sure do (me + ife)
love you
Irina and Ikee, thank you for writing about loneliness. I needed this too right now. It's possible to feel lonely even surrounded by people if you don't have anyone like minded to really connect with.
ReplyDeleteMiss you Irina. Wish that we lived close again.
aww irina i so love you! ikee and petra, thanks for your encouragement! i so agree with you guys. just to reiterate what ikee said, i think it is the fruit that is produced within us as a direct result of the lonely (or just generally difficult) season(s) that allow us to embrace gratefulness and the easier parts of life. in some ways, its as though these times give us glasses through which to view the rest of life much more profoundly and beautifully.
ReplyDeletemost of all, i agree with what ikee said last...i know one person in durham who looooooooves you!! (actually alot more than one, but i'll rep myself, haha). ya tebe ljublju!