reflections from the wilderness

i have been back in Sudan for a week and a half now after a wonderful, refreshing time in the U.S. my heart was overwhelmingly happy to see all my friends and receive much needed wisdom and encouragement. in those last few months in Sudan, i felt very lonely, disheartened, emotionally exhausted, and without hope. i knew the season i was in was purposed by the Lord but it was unbearable to walk through. i found myself frustrated at God, wondering "why do You keep putting me through fires and trials? this can't be the only aspect of the Christian walk - suffering, death to self, refinement, crucifixion..." i realized that my view of God was distorted. He had given me revelation after I got saved of suffering, but it became my only image of Him. He was perpetually the Suffering Servant, the Man on the cross. yet i felt so hopeless in this image changing considering the calling i find myself in and the circumstances of it at this time. i felt that my life was just always going to be hard, constant tribulations and training grounds and flames and character refinement. even though i knew it could not be true, i was overcome with hopelessness, despair, and fear. i loved Him, but i felt afraid and hurt. i knew i needed to be restored. i needed truth spoken into me, over and over. my friends did just that, and i am beyond grateful to them.

i find myself back in Yei, and i feel different. it's still the same compound and same general challenges, but i have hope and a godly perspective on things. i can feel the Father's heart toward me, toward my simple, human desires, whereas i felt before that He did not care about those as much as big, spiritual things like salvation of souls, deliverance for the oppressed. i have to periodically combat the ever-surfacing lie which dictates just that, but i know now that things i want are high on God's priority list. i don't necessarily see that reflected in my circumstances and i have yet to see those desires met, but i am accessing the Father's heart by faith. i think that if a person can really get that the Father loves them in times when nothing around them says so, that truth will be established deep within them and will never be shaken through peace or storm.

i think that my time in Sudan is going to be a wilderness season. i don't think that means the entirety of it will be excruciatingly painful (at least i hope not), but i believe that in general, it's going to be a trying time, with times of refreshing in the midst. i'd be lying if i said that this excites me; it doesn't. but i know that the only response that will get me anywhere is to press with all my might into God's heart. i want to learn to lean. i want to get out of this season everything He has for me, and i don't want to miss Him in it by wishing it away.

all in all, i have been humbled, broken to pieces, distressed....and then embraced, encouraged, rebuilt. God sees, God cares. no sorrow is wasted. He makes all things new. those who sow in tears will reap in songs of joy.