yelling about the Father's love

i'm on a journey of learning about the Father's heart. it's funny and ironic to me that the place where God starts teaching me about this is in Sudan in the midst of a difficult season that i'm in, probably the most difficult season of my Christian life thus far. i think that is intentional on His part. if we can get it in the hard times, we will surely know it in the easy times.

there are several facets to the Lord. there's the Bridegroom, the Suffering Servant, the Comforter, the Judge, the King, to name a few. i have always felt the love of God but i only recently realized that i haven't really ever felt the love of the Father, that specific facet of Him. different seasons bring different revelations of His nature, and He reveals all of Himself to us in time.

it's important for us to really grasp deep the love that the Father has toward us in times of hardship, when circumstances aren't necessarily exemplifying this truth to us. it's so powerful when we reach, against all circumstances, toward His heart and cry, "I know You love me!!" it's similar to praising in the midst of disaster; something transformative happens within us when we do. our hearts are supernaturally strengthened and we are thrust deeper into Truth. the enemy consequently and progressively loses more and more of his influence on us.

like i've said before, in my early years as a Christian, the Lord taught me about the suffering element of the Christian life. what i'm learning now as He's revealing the Father to me is that an understanding of suffering as a reality of following Jesus in this life is not going to get you through hardships. take me. i understood it, knew the Scriptures about it, knew countless stories of martyrs and saints that have gone before us and what they endured, even Christ Himself...but encountering a very difficult season almost shattered me completely. it's knowing that THE FATHER LOVES US that will get us through. it's screaming at the circumstances and the powers and principalities that debilitate us with lies, "I AM LOVED!! NOTHING CAN SEPARATE ME!" and it's accessing this love in hard times and pushing to believe it and feel it that solidifies this truth in our hearts.

reflections from the wilderness

i have been back in Sudan for a week and a half now after a wonderful, refreshing time in the U.S. my heart was overwhelmingly happy to see all my friends and receive much needed wisdom and encouragement. in those last few months in Sudan, i felt very lonely, disheartened, emotionally exhausted, and without hope. i knew the season i was in was purposed by the Lord but it was unbearable to walk through. i found myself frustrated at God, wondering "why do You keep putting me through fires and trials? this can't be the only aspect of the Christian walk - suffering, death to self, refinement, crucifixion..." i realized that my view of God was distorted. He had given me revelation after I got saved of suffering, but it became my only image of Him. He was perpetually the Suffering Servant, the Man on the cross. yet i felt so hopeless in this image changing considering the calling i find myself in and the circumstances of it at this time. i felt that my life was just always going to be hard, constant tribulations and training grounds and flames and character refinement. even though i knew it could not be true, i was overcome with hopelessness, despair, and fear. i loved Him, but i felt afraid and hurt. i knew i needed to be restored. i needed truth spoken into me, over and over. my friends did just that, and i am beyond grateful to them.

i find myself back in Yei, and i feel different. it's still the same compound and same general challenges, but i have hope and a godly perspective on things. i can feel the Father's heart toward me, toward my simple, human desires, whereas i felt before that He did not care about those as much as big, spiritual things like salvation of souls, deliverance for the oppressed. i have to periodically combat the ever-surfacing lie which dictates just that, but i know now that things i want are high on God's priority list. i don't necessarily see that reflected in my circumstances and i have yet to see those desires met, but i am accessing the Father's heart by faith. i think that if a person can really get that the Father loves them in times when nothing around them says so, that truth will be established deep within them and will never be shaken through peace or storm.

i think that my time in Sudan is going to be a wilderness season. i don't think that means the entirety of it will be excruciatingly painful (at least i hope not), but i believe that in general, it's going to be a trying time, with times of refreshing in the midst. i'd be lying if i said that this excites me; it doesn't. but i know that the only response that will get me anywhere is to press with all my might into God's heart. i want to learn to lean. i want to get out of this season everything He has for me, and i don't want to miss Him in it by wishing it away.

all in all, i have been humbled, broken to pieces, distressed....and then embraced, encouraged, rebuilt. God sees, God cares. no sorrow is wasted. He makes all things new. those who sow in tears will reap in songs of joy.

favor and godly cheating

well i haven't written in a while because i've been on sabbatical, traveling in the US visiting wonderful friends, eating good American food, and resting a lot. it's been amazing. i'll be in the States until August 23, when i will go back to Sudan.

a really cool thing happened to me during my time here that exemplifies God's heart to bless. i feel like sometimes, following Jesus is like cheating in life. certainly there are hard times, valleys, but there are times of real blessing, moments of favor that just make you chuckle to yourself because you know it's the Lord...and He's chuckling too. i remember in college, because my friends and i often chose to have prayer meetings for hours or emergency ministry sessions to unsaved friends in the middle of the night, we would often end up barely studying to exams. all too often, someone would exclaim at 4am after we'd just had an amazing time in His Presence, "Oh Lord help me on my test tomorrow!" (i'm not recommending doing this; i'm just saying it's what we did.) we had countless testimonies of God just telling people exactly what to study or literally showing them how to answer a question during the exam. i think He loved our immature hearts.

i had a day of favor a few weeks ago. i went to have a facial and started talking to the woman, a non-Christian, about my work and life in Sudan. when she was finished, i stood to pay her, and she pulls out her waller and says, "No, i'm going to pay you. Thank you for what you do." She handed me $120! (i had thought it was $80 but i noticed later one of the bills was a 50 not a 20). the facial only cost $40.

then i missed a flight due to traffic and had to be rerouted on a much longer route to my destination, risking 2 flights on standby. it wasn't pleasant at all. at the counter, the ticketing agent tells me it will cost $595 to alter my flights. my heart sunk but i had no choice. my dad steps in to pay, i refuse, he insists, i give in. she hands him the receipt, and after walking away, we look and see that it's for $25. after repeated confirmations that it would cost $595, we pay $25.

i feel like we as believers cheat through life sometimes, because we're His kids...as it should be. we get treated special. we defy the laws of nature and escape the laws of cause and effect, the "there is no other way" reality. so often, things that shouldn't happen, do! the thing is, even if i had dropped 600 bucks on airfare and 40 bucks on beautification and had not gotten answers to exam questions, God would still be good and i'd still have peace in knowing He'll make it turn out ok. He doesn't need to do such things to demonstrate His goodness, but He chooses to because He likes it. i believe it makes God feel good, to see our hearts do that little leap they do when some small blessing occurs, to see a smile spread across our faces and our eyes looking up to catch His when we say, "That was so sweet, God. Thanks." we feel the pleasure of being His in those moments, special, different from the crowds...because we are.

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excuse all the messiness, but i'm trying to redesign my blog and learning how to do it as i go. so be patient while it looks disorganized :)

afflictions eclipsed by glory

i had by best night in Sudan thus far the evening before i flew out. we had a visitor with us for 10 days, Kat. she's an amazing singer and musician who carries an anointing to break open the atmosphere through worship. this is exactly what we need in Sudan, where there's little authentic worship. before she came, she wrote a song for/about Sudan in Juba Arabic based on Jeremiah 33 delineating the Lord's promises to Israel. she sang it in church on Sudan and the presence of the Lord came. the children quietly listened and began singing along once they picked it up. everyone started cheering during the chorus - "Beled Sudani, Rabuna b'hilaju ita" (Sudan land, the Lord will heal you). we decided to record it the next night (on Macbook Garage Band) with some of the girls, Justin on guitar, and drums. it was absolutely incredible. the kids were overjoyed to be doing something like this. it came out beautifully (as beautiful as a Macbook recording can sound). when we finished, everyone cheered in typical Sudanese fashion - very loud, high-pitched screams. the other kids had heard the racked and about 30 came over to see what was happening. we let them all in and everyone started singing the chorus over and over. they didn't even realize it, but by the Spirit they were declaring it over the land. the Spirit fell and we were jumping around, dancing, cheering, laughing. it was so spontaneous and authentic and joyful. we're going to give the recording to some local radio stations. this song needs to be heart and proclaimed.

writing about this experience does not do it justice. i can't describe how incredible it was - the atmosphere breaking open, tangible joy and life seizing us, the excitement of the children, and a declaration going forth - Sudan land, the Lord WILL heal you!" (i will post photos on facebook and a video soon!)

as you all know, the last month or so has been extremely difficult for me. but it's amazing how one night, one experience in His presence, can trump all that. when i feel like i just can't do it anymore, times like this make me remember "yeah, this is why i'm in it..." this makes all the hardship worth it. moments of heaven touching earth, glimpses of His beauty, eclipse all the afflictions.

small beautiful things

the last few weeks have been hard, almost unbearable. i don't want to talk about that. i want to talk about beautiful things i've seen that, if even for a moment these days, make my heart smile. if there's one thing i've learned after 6 months in Sudan, it's that small things add up and become the "stuff" of the Kingdom. Jesus healing a sick person was worth just as much as Him letting the little children come to Him. casting out a demon was just as important and valuable to Him as eating with His disciples, laughing with them. both emanated love, demonstrated His nature, and brought healing. in fact, i will go so far as to say i think the latter examples are more important than the former, because God is all about relationship. the day-to-day relationship building and interaction is where the ultimate change in people's hearts happens.

i have seen many small beautiful things that evidence to me that the Lord is moving and using me. Ima (3) called me "giata", "white person" in Kakwa, for 3 months. i really hated it. he's a pretty hefty little boy and would fight constantly; he wasn't afraid to even smack me a couple times, which really bothered me. but finally he learned my name and i have witnessed a change in him where he has almost completely stopped fighting (except for the occasional scuffle with his fellow toddlers). every time he sees me outside, he shouts, "Rina!" and runs up to me.

one evening, i was eating supper with the older boys. Safari (20) was in the group, and he is not the most open, outgoing person. where the other kids talk to me and tell me what's going on in their hearts, Safari won't. we were all sitting there joking and talking. eventually, Safari and i got into a conversation about Sudanese culture, politics, faith, and the rest of the group disbursed. unprompted, he begins telling me his life story, from the beginning. he talked about his passion for the Lord at a young age, how God really set him apart, his abusive home situation, his suffering, and how he would pray for deliverance. he told me everything. i was so touched that he trusted me enough to share this with me.

we received a 14-year old girl named Akot from the brothels in Juba about one week ago. she's lived a horrible life, as you can imagine, and came very broken. there has been a dramatic transformation in her where in just one week she is like a completely different person. she would barely smile when she first came; now she smiles big all the time, plays with the kids, and trusted in Jesus this past Sunday.

little Daniel (2) has children's asthma which causes difficulty in breathing. there were days when he would just be out of it, in a catatonic-like state. the doctor recommended we put him on a nebulizer, which we don't currently possess. we treated him with an inhaler and he has dramatically improved. his breathing is so much better and he is much happier and livelier.

things like this make life worth living. i'm beginning to see as the Lord sees, to count these things as victories and not overlook them as insignificant. i believe this is how we conquer darkness, one small change, one small life at a time.

thorns

i have always wondered what Paul's thorn was. it will be the first question i ask him when i get to heaven. a thorn can be many things - physical infirmity, emotional pain, a difficult life circumstance. we all are afflicted with different ones. i think thorns can be seasonal too, but some are probably lifelong. my thorn in this season is loneliness. (i wonder if this was Paul's, too). i've asked Him to take it away but it is clear that he has me in it for a season (i hope). there has been grace, but i also have never felt as alone in my life as i have in the last few months. (p.s. this is going to be a very vulnerable blog post. it's not meant to be depressing but real and honest). a friend had a dream about me that indicated that this was the season i was in - one of birthing the purposes of God alone. i can't say it was an encouraging word, but helpful to know that this season is orchestrated by God, not the product of some mistake or human error. i've come to a place where i can be very real with God and not try to be super spiritual, holy, abandoned, or strong. i say to Him, "God, this is painful and i don't like it. please let this season be over soon." He knows my heart; He knows i've given Him everything and have said, "Yes" to Him, so i don't have to be strong. i tell Him i don't understand, it hurts, and i ask for deliverance. i feel very distant from Him these days; i can't feel His presence and i can't see His smile. i'm relying on what i know, that He IS smiling, He LOVES me, He's WITH me.

all that to say it's been hard the last few weeks. i don't know what to make of it and can't draw some kind of conclusion. it's all a jumbled mess in my heart.

God is good. i'm in pain. i love Jesus. that's about all i got these days.