content....

my contentment level is unstable and fluctuates a lot....i'm talking about in the area of marriage. i'll go for a few month of being really content, not thinking about it at all, or when i do, just feeling total trust in the Lord in an "i-know-it's-gonna-happen-whether-it's-sooner-or-later-God's-timing-is-the-best-and-amazing" kind of way. then i'll hit despair in this area and cry and say, "God why have you forgotten me?" this sounds dramatic, because i'm 23 years old, and it is :) but it's real human emotion that God cares about and treasures. when i feel the latter, it's usually when things are particularly rough with family and i'm feeling the weight of that - their opposition to Christ and what i do. in these times, i feel very alone because i'm lacking the support of those who are supposed to be that consistent, strong support system in a person's life, and i'm not married. i say, "God, if i'm not gonna have my family, at least let me be married so i would have that as a strength to lean on." i'm completely not satisfied. lately, however, i've been very content. nothing has changed - still the same old battle with parents, still no potential husband around - but i feel good! i received a work from a dear friend at ZHOP, an older man who the Lord has used to speak profoundly into my life, and he told me to not be in a rush to get married and to be patient, to enjoy this time of singleness as a time of being molded into who the Lord wants me to be. i received this and began to see singleness as an opportunity to be whole-heartedly devoted to the Lord without distraction, to run hard after Him and press in to know Him with all my might. and when i feel lonely, my reaction can be to push harder into God. i've decided to see singleness as the only chance i get to single-mindedly and undividedly commune with the Lord. i think God has deliberately hidden me because He wants me for Himself :) ultimately, i want to know Christ and want to say yes to whatever it takes for me to know Him as intimately as i can in this life

....so i'm content to be single...for now. who knows what i'll say 3 months down the road.

Lesson from an Ear Infection

This whole week i have had a real nasty and painful ear infection. It's not completely gone (I still can't hear anything out of my right ear) but most of the pain has subsided, which feels incredible. I was taking antibiotics and about 12 advil a day just to be functional. (It's funny, I've been swimming in oceans, dirty lakes, rock quarries, and pool since I was 7, and I dip my head in 5 times at the community pool and I get the worst ear infection). I'm tellin' you, you don't know how good it is to be pain free until you are in a great amount of pain. In the midst of my agonizing infection, I get a newsletter from Iris Ministries, from Rolland Baker. He writes about his 2 year battle with extreme illness - a nervous breakdown resulting in mental and emotional stress, a nervous tension, memory loss and signs of serious dementia. His whole body was in disrepair and majorly malfunctioning. All this was the result of the extreme stress and pressure of the mission field. Rolland is in recovery now in Germany at a Christian wellness center and is doing much better. But as I read this account, and felt my own unbearable pain, I was struck by the fact that God does not owe us anything. Yes, He wants to and will give us good things - provision, protection, health....But He does not owe it to us. These in no way determine or alter His goodness. He already demonstrated His goodness to the fullest extent possible by sending His Son to the cross, rescuing us from an eternity of misery. By this act alone He proved Himself to be so extremely incomprehensibly good, that if He did absolutely nothing else for us ever again, He would still be fully good, and we wouldn't be able to say otherwise. The fact that He doesn't stop at the salvation of our souls and continues to give us good gifts pushes it way over the top torrential downpour, i-just-wanna-scream HE IS SOOO GOOOOOOODDDDDD!! Though He loves to give gifts, they are just that - gifts, not guarantees, but pleasant surprises.

You would think that God would give someone like Rolland great health all his life, a man who's poured himself out tirelessly for the poor and the orphans. Or at least a miraculous healing, so he wouldn't suffer like this. But Jesus never promised us good health, a good life, a good...anything. In fact, He said the opposite, that the world would hate us. He promised us that He would be with us, and He proved to us that He was worth it. Suffering is part of the road, it's what we sign up for when we say "Yes" to Jesus (maybe you didn't know it, but He said that we must count the cost)...and we keep saying yes through it all because we find Him worth it, that who we have gained (Christ Himself) so far outweighs what we lose, that any price we have to pay does not even come close to how much He is worth.

So I believe God for and expect health, miracles, provision, little tokens of His love (a little boy came up to me, as I'm fighting the ear ache, and gave me a chocolate bar), but I'm not gonna be angry or offended when it may not happen. For even so, He is beautiful, good, worth any and all of it. Let this be your heart cry too...

Photo Captions

From top to bottom:
1) Kelly and me singing on an intercession set
2) & 3) Ryan and baby John praying for Kelly; the anointing is transferring through the sippy cup, haha
4) John playing with the flags in the Prayer Room
5) Sally praying on the mike for a Culture of Life in America
6) Brock family (husband, wife, 4 boys) playing a set; this family is amazing, they faithfully played the 4-6am set 4 days a week!
7) Kelly worshiping (this was staged, she saw me taking the picture :) )
8) & 9) The whole crew! 7 full-timers (+ John) who stood in prayer between midnight-6am every night! We're pointing to the board on which is written who leads what sets, and we're excited because for the last week, we filled all the slot. So we had live music in the Night all week, no CDs! (this hadn't happened in a while).

Some pictures from the last week of Nightwatch

big changes at ZHOP

We've had some big changes in the last month at ZHOP. We are no longer 24/7, we're only open from 8am-8pm, so 12 hours a day. This was a huge shock to everyone when Kirk announced it, but we all knew it was the right move to make. ZHOP has lost many staff, specifically singers and musicians, since it was first planted 4 years ago. We've gained a lot too, but not enough to keep going 24/7. And we were doing 24/7 with about 30 people, so there were few people per shift, the worship teams were small, and it was becoming difficult to sustain worship and prayer. We were spread too thin, and we needed to consolidate for the sake of the staff not burning out and becoming exhausted.

So I am now the shift leader on the Morning Watch (8am-2pm), along with another person, which has been rough because I am so used to the Nightwatch sleep schedule. I've been on it for 3 weeks now, and am still having trouble falling asleep at 11pm. Also, I have about 15 people to lead now, instead of 4 on Nightwatch, so this is challenging. I am also confronting a lot of fear of man in leading sets on stage. I had gotten so used to just the Nightwatch folks in the room when I would lead worship, and I knew them so well I wasn't intimidated. But now there's a lot more people in the room, many of whom are great musicians, and so I get up there and I am intimidated and constantly hit with thoughts that they are judging me or they think I sound bad, etc. Although I know it's the enemy, it's still hard to combat these lies and really believe the truth and be free on stage. I think God is digging deeper as far as removing fear of man and desire to please man.

I've also missed the Nightwatch folks a lot. We had such a strong bond, our little crew, and now the shifts are bigger and everyone is dispersed. You have to make more of an effort to get to know people and talk to people; otherwise, you can go the whole day in the prayer room, pray and play your set, and not speak to anyone.

So this is the latest news, and challenges...

Amazing story - Son of Hamas leader turns to Christ!

This is an incredible interview I read about a Hamas leader's son (a terrorist organization) becoming a Christian!

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,402483,00.html

Murder of Abortionist George Tiller

As many of you know, recently, famous abortionist George Tiller, who performed late-term abortions and trained others to do so, was violently murdered in his church. When I heard this news, I was deeply grieved. We had a conference at ZHOP about a year ago where Matt Lockett from Bound4Life (the people with the red tape on their mouths) spoke. One of his messages was entitled "With Malice Toward None." He said that God not only cares that we fight to end abortion, but He cares about how we fight to end abortion. Violence cannot be justified for violence. He spoke about pro-lifers being so enraged as to bomb clinics and kill abortion doctors, but he took it beyond the actual act of violence and murder. He addressed the heart, which is what Jesus addresses in Matthew 5, that if you are even angry with your brother you have committed murder against him. He said, "We may never pick up a gun, but if we harbor malice, anger, hate, we've actually pulled the trigger in our hearts. Anger progresses to malice progresses to murder, and the later we interrupt the process, the more humiliating it is." If violent sentiments in the heart are not brought before the Lord in repentance, you not only become guilty in His eyes but also capable of such an act as shooting a man in church. This case is an example of the justice of man - man taking vengeance into his own hands. Vengeance is the Lord's, and He will avenge the blood of the babies and judge their cause. This is clear in His Word, as He is the defender of the innocent and voiceless, and He will judge wicked systems and wicked men. And both of these men will face the Judge and give account to Him. Our job is to pray for justice, speak the truth in boldness, and love anyone and everyone until they come to Jesus. No one is beyond salvation; no hard heart is to difficult for God. Matt Lockett also spoke of a dear friend of his who was an abortino doctor before meeting Jesus. She described the incredible deception one is under in this industry, truly believing you are helping women, when in reality you're subjecting them to years of emotional trauma and guilt. Thankfully, she was able to repent before someone had the chance to shoot her. George Tiller had this opportunity too, but this opportunity should last a lifetime (or as long as one has before Jesus returns), and it didn't in his case.

I know a family in Kansas City who has prayed in front of George Tiller's clinic and sought to close it down for 10 years. They wept when they found out what happened. This is the heart of God - to pray for justice and weep over the atrocity of babies being killed, as He does, to cry out for the salvation of the abortionists, and weep over such cases as George Tiller's, as He does. We must understand the heart of God - 100% just and 100% merciful. We must see who Jesus is through His word and make every effort to align our hearts with this reality. There is no other way forward, and no hope otherwise.