thorns

i have always wondered what Paul's thorn was. it will be the first question i ask him when i get to heaven. a thorn can be many things - physical infirmity, emotional pain, a difficult life circumstance. we all are afflicted with different ones. i think thorns can be seasonal too, but some are probably lifelong. my thorn in this season is loneliness. (i wonder if this was Paul's, too). i've asked Him to take it away but it is clear that he has me in it for a season (i hope). there has been grace, but i also have never felt as alone in my life as i have in the last few months. (p.s. this is going to be a very vulnerable blog post. it's not meant to be depressing but real and honest). a friend had a dream about me that indicated that this was the season i was in - one of birthing the purposes of God alone. i can't say it was an encouraging word, but helpful to know that this season is orchestrated by God, not the product of some mistake or human error. i've come to a place where i can be very real with God and not try to be super spiritual, holy, abandoned, or strong. i say to Him, "God, this is painful and i don't like it. please let this season be over soon." He knows my heart; He knows i've given Him everything and have said, "Yes" to Him, so i don't have to be strong. i tell Him i don't understand, it hurts, and i ask for deliverance. i feel very distant from Him these days; i can't feel His presence and i can't see His smile. i'm relying on what i know, that He IS smiling, He LOVES me, He's WITH me.

all that to say it's been hard the last few weeks. i don't know what to make of it and can't draw some kind of conclusion. it's all a jumbled mess in my heart.

God is good. i'm in pain. i love Jesus. that's about all i got these days.

this is how much God likes me

it seems that on my worst days, God goes out of His way to
encourage me. He is just amazing like that. even though i know that
discouragement means i am not seeing through the eyes of faith, He
does not reprimand me. instead, in payment for my wavering heart, He
does the sweetest things to encourage me. it's because He is the great High Priest, able to sympathize with our weakness, for He was one of us.

one such incident happened a few weeks ago on a day when everything that had gone wrong climaxed. i was completely miserable and very weary in heart because of many
problems that had arisen, burdens of responsibility that i felt, and
suffering that i had seen. there's only so many malnourished babies
and only so much of people coming to your door saying they have no money and "please
take in our children" that i can take, and at this point i was worn
out. on this particular day, i also found out that my method of communication - direct, straight forward, to-the-point - was hurting some of the staff, as the communication style here is pretty much the opposite. i was hurt and felt disliked when my intentions were pure and my love for the people, real. God knew and sympathized. as i was expressing all these troubles to a fellow missionary friend, my phone rings and it's one of our staff. it was Saturday and he called just to ask me how i was doing. he had never done this before and didn't know anything about the hurt i was feeling. it was so kind and i was touched. Jesus tended to my wounds in the most tender way.

another day a similar thing happened. it was Sunday and we had church that morning. it was a really dry service. that happens here sometimes, because the main stronghold in southern Sudan is the religious spirit. i was really disappointed and again, discouraged, because i didn't understand. i didn't understand why some services are so free and full of Holy Spirit that kids are crying, kneeling, prostrate before the Lord, and others are dry as a bone, where i feel like i am ramming my head against a concrete wall. it was like that this particular Sunday. i went out to town on my own that day to a favorite spot of mine and wrote to the Lord, expressing my frustration and confusion about His ways. that evening, one of our girls, Joyce (15, pictured), approached me and shared a vision she had had that morning, at that dry and dead service that i thought nothing good could come out of. she saw all the children standing under a green umbrella (Psalm 24) and bolts of lightning flashing all around. at first she thought it was the sunlight that was causing her to see this, so she turned to a shady place and saw the flashes of lightning again. the vision spoke of God's power being released in the place of rest in His presence. but it meant so much more to me than that. it was yet again Jesus cradling my heart, caring about my discouragements, nursing my wounds, and kindling the flame of encouragement and faith in my spirit.

declare and it shall be

one of our elder boys, Safari (20), told me a testimony recently that highlights the power of speaking something forth. we have had minimal rain this rainy season, which is devastating to a nation that depends so much on subsistence agriculture. our kids have little garden plots on the compound and elsewhere. safari had planted potatoes and the crop was not producing because of the lack of water. he was really unhappy and discouraged. one night, as he's sitting around with other kids and mamas, the Holy Spirit comes on him and he says, "Tonight at 4am, it's going to rain, and it won't stop until 6am." everyone looked at him like, "ok..." well guess what? the rain began at exactly 4am and didn't stop until 6am that morning. one of the girls said to him the next day, "Wow, I'm afraid of you, Safari." and his crop is now prospering.

a testimony about Martin

in january, we took in 3 children. (see earlier blog entitled "3 of our kids"). The middle boy, Martin, was very broken in the heart. He would fight with all the kids all the time, constantly pinching and slapping them for no reason, and then he would cry. I always saw him crying, his nose permanently snotty. It's no mystery, considering the pain of abandonment he's endured, that he would act out in this way, just angry at the world. he wouldn't take much, either, and i rarely saw him smile. over the last few months, the Lord has been healing him. Martin now fights much less, if ever, and i often see im engaging in friendly play with the other kids. i don't see him crying as often. he speaks a lot more as well. a few days ago, as i was sitting with children, out of nowhere he says "Is Jesus good?" and then "Is Jesus God?" i was so excited! i shared the Gospel with him, and when my Arabic ran out, i called an elder boy over to help translate. we hugged on him and told him Jesus is so so good and loves him.

God's presence resides at Iris. sure we have issues. there are conflicts, people don't always treat each other lovingly, kids don't always (rarely) play nice. but God IS here. from simply being at Iris, being in a place where Jesus is honored and lifted up, Martin's heart is being healed

how God speaks to our kids

last night, the older kids and i gathered together to worship, like we do every Friday. i have taught them to sing from their hearts to Jesus, not known worship songs, but a love song from their heart, whatever comes out, to sing by the Spirit. we've had some great times with God doing this, where the Spirit has really come. we've had other times that were dry, and i could tell the religious spirit that oppresses this nation was cropping up. but even so, we keep going. last night, i felt the Lord's presence like a weighty cloud sitting on me. it's my most favorite feeling in the world. after we worshiped together for a while, i went around the room and asked the kids what the Lord spoke/showed them. i loved what they shared. Edward (18) saw Jesus holding his heart and embracing him. Kizito (23) felt a spirit of thanksgiving. He was remembering his life before Iris Ministries, before Jesus, and thought about how many children don't have food, clothes, education. He was so thankful that God chose him to receive these things. the Holy Spirit brought to Safari's (20) mind a time when he was tempted by the enemy to drink alcohol. it was a strong temptation and he was struggling to resist it. when he prayed, it went away instantly. this night, God showed him what happened in the spirit in that moment. He saw himself and Satan, and Jesus was standing in between, protecting him. Justin (25) was moved to pray for protection for our compound and our children.

i love that God speaks to our kids. i love that they know Him and know He is real and alive. i pray for increase, for enrapture with Jesus. i want them to be caught up for hours and day. i believe it can happen

no one is ever alone

the book of 1 Peter speaks a lot about suffering. in 1 Peter 5:9, the apostle says to resist the enemy and remain steadfast in the faith, "knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world." being a missionary in Sudan, my tendency is to feel isolated because no one else i know is a missionary in Sudan, so how could anyone understand the challenges, hardships, and pains of daily life and ministry here? i have come to see that this is a lie of the enemy. he makes you believe no one else can relate and thereby traps you in the snare of isolation. in talking to my friends since i've been here, my eyes have been opened. i have seen that even though our lives are completely different, our struggles are surprisingly and uncannily similar. they are just blanketed in a different environment, a different life, a different calling. we all battle loneliness, to some extent, because all of us are strangers in the earth, pilgrims, longing for Home and being unsatisfied until we get there. we all struggle to trust God whole-heartedly, to believe He is who He says He is and His ways with us are completely good. we learn these lessons and experience these struggles in ways specific to our natures and our callings. God is a genius. He fashioned each person so uniquely and placed callings on their lives so specifically, and yet He is forming the same truths in us. we are all so unique but feel the same longings and pains, the same joys. it's because we are headed towards the same goal. we are pressing for the same prize of the same upward call...separately but together. He is forming the same Christ in all of us. there is one God and one Spirit residing in us. we are united by the thread of our common faith, our common Love.

when one suffers, not only is Jesus with him, but the brotherhood of the saints is with him too, for they endure the same things. no one is every alone.

weakness really does mean strength

I had malaria last week...again. Similar kinds of symptoms – high fever, extreme bodily weakness, loss of appetite. But the medicine didn't kick in as fast this time, so I was immobile and couldn't eat food for 2 days. The kids came and prayed for me, the staff brought me juice. The sickness took a lot out of me and I was weak and exhausted after 4 days. When I finally was able to get out of bed, the kids would remark, “Oh Rina, you are so thin...” I was pretty emaciated.

Day 2 of this, as I'm lying motionless, I began to utter a prayer. It was spontaneous, and I knew it was the Lord. I prayed for our children and asked Holy Spirit to fall on them, to break every barrier, every religious wall that stands in the way of encounter. It was a short and lifeless prayer, I barely whispered it.

Day 4 I felt well enough to move about and keep a dinner appointment with a British missionary couple in town. I returned to the compound when evening worship had already ended. One of the girls, Onzima, visited me that night to check on me and reported how amazing worship that night was. The Holy Spirit fell, the whole compound was up singing and dancing. Even one of our watchmen (night security guards) was dancing in the circle, which has never happened before. I immediately thought back to my weak prayer. It was a token of God's response, a confirmation that in my absolute weakest moments (I have never been as physically weak as I was during this malaria bout), He moves through me.