when nothing works....and then, when it does

when nothing works....

i had a really rough week last week. first and worst of all, i got malaria. i had a 106 fever, my body ached, and my head throbbed. i would go from pouring cold water on myself (with clothes on) to shivering cold after the medicine would take effect. the fever combined with the heat outside and no breeze made for a pretty miserable state. after the malaria abated thanks to medicine, i had to contend with the most awful cold sores on my mouth that i have ever had (my body's reaction to the intense fevers). i could barely talk or eat.

other things fell apart as well. right when i came to Sudan, the visa requirements changed to $50 every month, instead of $50 every 3 months. this is a huge financial burden on the expats in the country, and some of them complained in Juba and immigration changed the requirements back to $50 for 3 months. i was very excited by this news, but apparently it had not reached Yei yet. i went to the airport and was denied a 3-month visa. they instructed me to go to the immigration office in town. i went that day and was denied the visa again. i had to concede to spending $50 for a 1-month visa and went to exchange my $100 bill at the local exchange place. i handed them the money and they denied me a good exchange rate because of a small red stamp on the bill. WHAT?!?!? i tried to maintain peace but just couldn't. i told them this was ridiculous and just walked away, having settled for the lower exchange rate. then another day that week, i walked for about an hour, in the heat, to reach an NGO that has a good internet connection so that i could email out my january-february update (still have not been able to send). it just so happens that that day, the internet was not working, for some reason, which has never happened to me before. i was about to cry.

and then, when it does...

this past sunday, jennie and i traveled to arua, uganda to do banking and get the Iris mail. we had to take public transport, which can be up to an 8-hour journey, what with getting stopped and hassled at road check points for no reason, border control stopping the vehicle for inquiry for hours, the 2 foot ditches and potholes on the road....you get the point. not to mention our vehicle was named "No hurry in Africa" (all the cars here have names stamped on the windshields). jennie and i laughed and said it was prophetic for our trip. but it took only 5.5 hours, and practically no trouble along the way. we stayed at an amazing hotel, paradise to me after living in difficult and meager conditions in one of the poorest places on earth. the hotel had american food and a swimming pool!!! all i had wanted for weeks was a burger, and they had it! the next day, we went to the bank to withdraw money and set up an account for me. a process that could have taken 4 hours (as it has in the past) took only 2, no trouble at all. we had lunch at an indian restaurant, another craving of mine. i charged my phone at a local cell phone shop, having been unable to do so for days because my charger was broken. when i didn't have small enough change to pay for the service, they let me go for free! this is unheard of around here, someone graciously giving a free service. i knew it was the Lord. then i ran into some friends unexpectedly at the hotel who had just arrived and whose driver was heading back to Yei that morning. the trip back took 3.5 hours, a miracle!

the stress of daily life is compounded here. the normal stresses that i am accustomed to in the States are exponentially magnified here. it's a whole new level of learning to walk in peace and maintain a state of resting in the Lord. i consider myself to be a pretty laid back person who's not stressed out easily. but here, i'm close to exploding every other day. there's always something going wrong, someone causing trouble, something falling apart. God is definitely going to take me deeper into the truth of entering the place of rest.

at the same time, there are those days when everything falls into place. when this happens, i feel His grace and mercy, how kind He is to me. i pray He keeps these days coming, but at the same time teaches me to walk in peace on the other (more frequent in occurrence) days.

our babies worshiping

this is super cute. i caught the kids singing one of our worship songs here. the lyrics go "Sing glory glory, sing hallelujah. No turning back, no turning back." They think it goes "Sing lolly lolly, sing hallelujah...." it's so cute! when you hear the song change in the video, it's cuz they see our black truck called a "tipa" drive by and start singing about that. their names from right to left are: aba, ima, vicky, peter, daniel. vicky's got a porridge mustache too :)

God is my portion

when it comes to the things of God, i have a zeal for authenticity. i resist hype, exaggeration, us trying to help God out because it seems like what He does in and of Himself is not "cool" enough, impressive enough, and doesn't make for a good enough story. as i am here in africa, i want to be real. i want to tell the truth - the good, the bad, and the ugly, the nitty gritty, if you will, the times when things work and they don't. many people think, as did i, that africa, or ministry among the poor in general = non stop salvation, healings, power of God coming down all the time. but it's not glory all the time. there are very real challenges, disappointments, times when nothing happens, no one gets healed, no one shows up. not that we settle for that. we don't focus on it or allow it to weigh us down. we always contend for fullness, for more. but i don't want to promote a false understanding or encourage a lie that we're just walking on water here and everyone is hungry and it's glory all the time. i don't want to only tell the glory stories. and i don't want to exaggerate what God does because i am undermining His power and His wisdom then, and thereby implying he's not right in the way that he chooses to move because it doesn't cause people to "ooohh and aaahh" and praise me.

i've had some Bible studies and prayer meetings recently that weren't all that great, let's put it that way. the kids were disengaged and looked bored. there just wasn't much on it. i know God is always there and always comes when we call, please understand i'm not questioning or denying this fact. but we all know that sometimes, the anointing is just not there or He doesn't show up as strong.

2 things i know. i am going to contend. i want to see the Acts 2 signs and wonders, especially people being convicted at the preaching of the Gospel (which, contrary to popular belief, does not happen automatically here.) i want to see the spirit of repentance fall and people hit the ground weeping as they rend their hearts. i also know that God is my portion. at the end of a day when everyone gets saved, people are healed, etc, i go to bed saying "This is not my portion, You are". and at the end of another day when no one gets saved and there's no anointing on anything, etc. you lie down and say the same thing. your identity is not what God does through you, but who you are - a son, a lover of Jesus. and so you're completely satisfied and content no matter what happens, or doesn't. this is what i'm learning.

more on fasting...[smile]

i forgot to tell the craziest thing from that Bible study. one of the verses i cited was Matthew 17:21 that says "But this one can come out by nothing but prayer and fasting," referencing the epileptic boy that Jesus' disciples were unable to heal. i ask the kids to turn to this verse and it's not in the Bibles. there were probably 4 different Bibles present (different translations and manufacturers) and none of them had this verse in them, except mine and jennie's Bible (different from one another). their Bibles ended on verse 20 and jumped right to verse 22. it's like someone purposely and blatantly erased this verse. it was so weird.

today i preached at our church for the first time! i was a little nervous, but overcame it quickly. the atmosphere is very unintimidating as it is a bunch of children (which is what i love about it). guess what i preached on?......FASTING! it's just been on my heart so strong and it's the only impression i got from the Lord when i asked to preach. i essentially related what i had taught in the Bible study, specifically the story of Esther and how fasting saved a nation. i said God will do the same thing in Sudan - He will save our nation as we fast and cry out. i called them all to join in the Friday fasting. the response was great, a lot of "amens". but the most exuberant outcry came when i said that the older ones will fast all day until breakfast but the younger ones could fast until supper that night. they really cheered then! two of the 3-year olds coming up to me afterwards saying "Fasting fasting". it was so cute! i told them they were a little too young, but it warmed my heart so much, and it showed that in spite of their short attention spam and antsy-ness during service, they really are hearing the Word.

the crazy thing is, today is the last day of Purim according to the Jewish calendar! i had no idea when i preached this message. God is truly speaking to the Church in Sudan about fasting, that this is the key to revival and salvation in Sudan.

you are welcome to join us if you like :)

fasting stories

this is a big year for Sudan. we are having elections in April, the first free elections in decades. next January, the Comprehensive Peace Agreement (CPA) erected in 2005 which ended the 20+ year civil wars between the North and South comes to an end, and a referendum will be held to decide whether southern Sudan becomes its own nation. there are many concerns and issues on the table, and it could potentially be a very tense and unstable time.

last Saturday, i taught a Bible study about fasting to about 12 of our older guys and girls (15-25 year olds). God's Spirit was very present. i called all of them to commit to fasting one day per week - for themselves, for intimacy, for their country. there were some questions and some doubt as to whether one could actually fast for 24 hours without dying, which i assured them they could, that they would be weak, but this was the point - to be weak so that God's presence can be stronger. i said that God is raising up a prayer and fasting movement of youth in Sudan, and spoke into them that they are the leaders on this compound and of the Church today. if they do this, the rest will follow, and they will lead the Church in it. the response was an excited and exuberant "yes!" and we chose Fridays as our weekly fasting day.

that Friday, we held our first weekend-long conference (to be written about in a later blog). throughout the morning i was asking around to see whether they were actually fasting. every single one who attended that Bible study was fasting. the overwhelming response to "how is it going? how do you feel?" was "i feel strong. i don't even feel hungry. it's great!" the lunch that day was particularly good too, and none of them ate it. my heart was glad. but it got better. after the afternoon conference session, i walk out of the building on my way back to the compound and see about 10 of our younger kids (10-14 year olds) sitting in the shade with water bottles. i ask them what they're doing, and they say their all fasting and staying far away from the kitchen to not be tempted by the food. my eyes widened and mouth dropped. i hadn't called them to it or even talked to them about fasting every Friday, but they found out and jumped on board. as it turns out, about 30 of our kids fasted that day. our cook came up to jennie and said "what's going on, why is no one eating lunch?" i found out little 4-year old Peter refused his porridge that morning saying he was fasting and ate nothing until noon. my heart was leaping for joy. they kept telling me that they felt strong and God was giving so much grace. they loved it. the next morning, the completion of the fast, i awoke to the boys singing worship songs. jennie (in the bunk above me) says "irina, i have never heard the boys sing in the morning. the girls always do it, but i've never heard the boys." one of them exclaimed "praise God i'm alive!" it was hilarious and so precious and pure. one testified this week that God already answered his fasting and gave him that which he was asking for.

i was overwhelmed by the kids' hunger, faith, perseverance, and love for Jesus. this experience showed me that i don't have to do much. i just have to make the call, hold the Bible study, organize the prayer meeting, essentially say "let's do this" and God will breathe on it. we had a prayer meeting at 5:30pm on the fasting day, to pray for Sudan and for one another. it was so beautiful to see their little hearts crying out for their nation. in the midst of political turmoil and uncertain futures, God will hear these children and respond. the earthly powers-that-be and their strategies are but dust, and our war is not against them anyway. these children, cast off by society and deemed insignificant, are wielding the true weapons of warfare. they are the ones seated with Christ, and they hold true power. the Kingdom belongs to such as these.

things that make me laugh

here is a sample of Sudanese worship music, 2 of my favorite (hilarious) songs:

1 - "Shake shake shake shake the devil off" (repeat forever)

2 - "Your boyfriend can let you down
Your girlfriend can let you down
The men of this world can let you down but Jesus never fails" (this one cracks me up!)

also, the very small children never wear underwear or diapers (these are practically unheard of) and rarely wear pants, skirts, or really any type of clothing below the waist. twice now when i've held 2 of them on my lap, they've pooped on me, or just wiped themselves on me from previous poops. hahaha! i love the mission field...

travels and impressions

This week I traveled to a village called Panyana with a couple named John and Poppy Spens, fellow missionaries in Yei with the Anglican church from the UK…whom I love. They are a whacky, hilarious couple who have a beautiful marriage and relationship. (Interjection: we have a Bible study every Sunday at their house for all the missionaries in the area. There are quite a few, about 20, I was surprised. I thought I’d be the only one, along with the other Iris folk, but there’s a great community here. My absolute favorite part about it is that there are several denominations represented, but I have no clue how many is because no one talks about it. No one cares. All that matters is that we all love Jesus. Right now we are going through the book of Ephesians verse by verse. This past Sunday, I led the discussion of Eph. 2:1-10, it was so great. It’s a true picture of the Body of Christ being one. The mission field and the difficulty of the living and working here, the warfare, truly brings the church together. I guess you stop caring about theological and doctrinal differences and just support and love one another). The drive was 2 hours along very bumpy, dusty roads, but fun :). We were there to help with a week-long youth conference. We walked in to joyous African worship, lots of dancing and shouting. That day we hiked up to the mountain there. The view was beautiful and it started to rain!! This is super rare at this time in Sudan, so it is a huge blessing, even though I was freezing (which is better than being sweating hot to the point of wanting to pass out). We worshiped in the rain, under a really flimsy tarp, but Jesus loved it! The next day Poppy and I spoke to the girls (about 40 of them) about, get this….fashion!!! Hahaha! As if I am any authority on this topic…some of you know how I dressed in college  Poppy is the same way, she thought it was hilarious. We ended up speaking about modesty in dress and not causing our brothers to stumble, and prayed for some of the girls at the end.

John spoke to the men about the marriage relationship and how to treat wives/women. This topic of men and women, right Biblical relationship, marriage, has come up pretty much every day this week. My eyes have been opened anew to the oppression and terrible treatment of women here. Some of the questions the youth asked were very difficult and point to how drastically different this culture is, but how we must maintain the Biblical standard even if it confronts the whole of society. One was “What if a husband and wife can’t have children? Can the man go and seek another wife?” Because infertility is always the woman’s fault. The answer was no, of course, but this is challenging here because children are a valuable possession (not that they are always treated well, but they are a measurement of one’s success). Another question was “I am a Christian now and have repented, but I have 2 wives from pre-Christian days. What do I do?” We didn’t know the answer to this one, because if he chooses one the other will be out on the street, and how can he choose one? Beating of wives was also addressed, a very common practice here. One the drive back, I noticed mostly women on the roads carrying various loads on their heads – water, straw, bananas. Now I recently tried to place a standard water jug on my head. I swear I thought it was gonna crush my skull. The thing must have weighed 50 lbs. Beira, who was helping me, was laughing and said “African women are stronger than men.” I witnessed the truth of this statement on the drive back, as these women carried these heavy loads. John and Poppy told me they walk back and forth between watering holes and markets for miles every day – to wash clothes, fetch water, sell/buy wares. Essentially, the women do everything – cooking, cleaning, raising children. Often times the men are jobless, so they just sit around because all this is “women’s work”. On top of that, like I said, they are often beaten. Then I got back to the compound and one of the girls told me about an altercation she had with one of the guys about this topic. He was saying men are better than women, because Eve was the reason for sin and Adam was created first. I don’t know if he had been joking or not. He’s a wonderful guy who loves Jesus a lot, but the fact that he could think like this again points to how deep-rooted this mindset is in this culture that it permeates even true God-loving people. She had been upset and I was like, “That’s it, we’re doing a Bible study on this!” Then I’m sitting at breakfast with some of the male staff and we’re talking about malaria (rampant here, everyone’s had it multiple times). The female mosquito carries malaria, and a comment is made “See, women cause trouble!” And they went into how women in positions of authority are so much harsher than men in the same positions. We mostly laughed about it and took it lightly, but I made sure to express the fact that anyone without Jesus is not going to act righteously (I mean look at the presidents of Sudan and the war that had raged for decades) and both men and women have weaknesses and strengths. Yesterday night we did the Bible study with the older kids (I say kids, but some of them are my age), and it was great, I think the best Bible study thus far. It went for about 2 hours, there were many questions and all were attentive. I taught how men and women were equal, how both were at fault in the Fall, and the Biblical marriage relationship/roles of husband and wife (Eph 5). I spoke about the importance of choosing wisely whom you marry, with a lot of prayer and observation of the person’s character, not hastily. We talked very openly and candidly, which was refreshing. The kids want to do another Bible study on this topic, wanting to learn what it means for a man to lead his family, what he must do, etc. I think there was breakthrough, and I am very confident that they will be wonderful husbands and wives.

In light of these issues of female oppression here, I’m starting to get a real heart for the women here, especially our girls. I can see that because of the culture’s treatment of and perception of women as slaves and property, even those who know Jesus are under the yoke of this mindset. They are not confident like the boys are. It is mostly the boys who talk in Bible study, and it’s like pulling teeth trying to get the girls to talk. When I speak to them, a lot of them won’t look me in the eyes. They carry a lot of shame and insecurity. I want to tackle this head on and speak over them their beauty, identity, and purpose. I’m gonna be doing a Bible study with the girls separately and hitting on these things.

Thanks to all of you for reading my blog and praying for me, it means a lot to me :)