thorns

i have always wondered what Paul's thorn was. it will be the first question i ask him when i get to heaven. a thorn can be many things - physical infirmity, emotional pain, a difficult life circumstance. we all are afflicted with different ones. i think thorns can be seasonal too, but some are probably lifelong. my thorn in this season is loneliness. (i wonder if this was Paul's, too). i've asked Him to take it away but it is clear that he has me in it for a season (i hope). there has been grace, but i also have never felt as alone in my life as i have in the last few months. (p.s. this is going to be a very vulnerable blog post. it's not meant to be depressing but real and honest). a friend had a dream about me that indicated that this was the season i was in - one of birthing the purposes of God alone. i can't say it was an encouraging word, but helpful to know that this season is orchestrated by God, not the product of some mistake or human error. i've come to a place where i can be very real with God and not try to be super spiritual, holy, abandoned, or strong. i say to Him, "God, this is painful and i don't like it. please let this season be over soon." He knows my heart; He knows i've given Him everything and have said, "Yes" to Him, so i don't have to be strong. i tell Him i don't understand, it hurts, and i ask for deliverance. i feel very distant from Him these days; i can't feel His presence and i can't see His smile. i'm relying on what i know, that He IS smiling, He LOVES me, He's WITH me.

all that to say it's been hard the last few weeks. i don't know what to make of it and can't draw some kind of conclusion. it's all a jumbled mess in my heart.

God is good. i'm in pain. i love Jesus. that's about all i got these days.

this is how much God likes me

it seems that on my worst days, God goes out of His way to
encourage me. He is just amazing like that. even though i know that
discouragement means i am not seeing through the eyes of faith, He
does not reprimand me. instead, in payment for my wavering heart, He
does the sweetest things to encourage me. it's because He is the great High Priest, able to sympathize with our weakness, for He was one of us.

one such incident happened a few weeks ago on a day when everything that had gone wrong climaxed. i was completely miserable and very weary in heart because of many
problems that had arisen, burdens of responsibility that i felt, and
suffering that i had seen. there's only so many malnourished babies
and only so much of people coming to your door saying they have no money and "please
take in our children" that i can take, and at this point i was worn
out. on this particular day, i also found out that my method of communication - direct, straight forward, to-the-point - was hurting some of the staff, as the communication style here is pretty much the opposite. i was hurt and felt disliked when my intentions were pure and my love for the people, real. God knew and sympathized. as i was expressing all these troubles to a fellow missionary friend, my phone rings and it's one of our staff. it was Saturday and he called just to ask me how i was doing. he had never done this before and didn't know anything about the hurt i was feeling. it was so kind and i was touched. Jesus tended to my wounds in the most tender way.

another day a similar thing happened. it was Sunday and we had church that morning. it was a really dry service. that happens here sometimes, because the main stronghold in southern Sudan is the religious spirit. i was really disappointed and again, discouraged, because i didn't understand. i didn't understand why some services are so free and full of Holy Spirit that kids are crying, kneeling, prostrate before the Lord, and others are dry as a bone, where i feel like i am ramming my head against a concrete wall. it was like that this particular Sunday. i went out to town on my own that day to a favorite spot of mine and wrote to the Lord, expressing my frustration and confusion about His ways. that evening, one of our girls, Joyce (15, pictured), approached me and shared a vision she had had that morning, at that dry and dead service that i thought nothing good could come out of. she saw all the children standing under a green umbrella (Psalm 24) and bolts of lightning flashing all around. at first she thought it was the sunlight that was causing her to see this, so she turned to a shady place and saw the flashes of lightning again. the vision spoke of God's power being released in the place of rest in His presence. but it meant so much more to me than that. it was yet again Jesus cradling my heart, caring about my discouragements, nursing my wounds, and kindling the flame of encouragement and faith in my spirit.

declare and it shall be

one of our elder boys, Safari (20), told me a testimony recently that highlights the power of speaking something forth. we have had minimal rain this rainy season, which is devastating to a nation that depends so much on subsistence agriculture. our kids have little garden plots on the compound and elsewhere. safari had planted potatoes and the crop was not producing because of the lack of water. he was really unhappy and discouraged. one night, as he's sitting around with other kids and mamas, the Holy Spirit comes on him and he says, "Tonight at 4am, it's going to rain, and it won't stop until 6am." everyone looked at him like, "ok..." well guess what? the rain began at exactly 4am and didn't stop until 6am that morning. one of the girls said to him the next day, "Wow, I'm afraid of you, Safari." and his crop is now prospering.