dreams, pain, waiting

we held our annual Holy Revolution conference this weekend at zhop. corey russell from ihop-kc and jake hamilton from refuge house of prayer came to speak/lead worship. it was definitely powerful (if you've heard corey speak, you know it's dynamic and convicting). corey said one phrase that made me weep. he said, "the pain you feel in your heart over the desires God has put in you [them being yet unfulfilled] is your gift from Him, because it causes you to wrestle with him for the fulfillment of those desires." God puts these dreams in us, sometimes things so unexpected we know they must be from Him, and then He makes us....wait....to make us ready to handle the dream when it comes. we think if the dream is righteous, God's dream, something for the sake of the Kingdom alone, then we should see it fulfilled right away. God knows better. i think a dream too quickly partaken of becomes a nightmare, because you don't have the character, strength of heart, steadfastness of faith necessary to walk it out. even so, there's real pain over dreams and desires yet unrealized, tucked away in your heart, where God stokes the flame of these desires, sometimes making it even more painful to wait. but the pain is actually a good thing, because it means you're not apathetic about walking out God's purposes in your life. if you feel pain, you're going to contend and cry out for them to come to pass - a key factor to their fulfillment. so i'll be grateful for the dreams, for the pain, and for the waiting.

Breakthrough is...

One of my favorite quotes, by Heidi Baker, is "Jesus died so that there would always be enough." She wrote a book called "Always Enough: God's Provision Among the Poorest Children on Earth" where she recounts incredible testimonies - no money in the bank account and 300 people to feed, and all the money coming in at the needed time, food being multiplied. She had an open vision where she saw a sea of children before her, thousands and thousands. Jesus was asking her to feed them and she was screaming, "No, no! There's too many! I can't take them all!" Jesus said, "Look into my eyes. I died so that there would always be enough." She finds bread and wine in her hand and begins handing it out to the children one by one, and the elements multiply as she is handing them out and everyone eats!

Another profound quote is from Kirk Bennett, in relation to finances and provision. He always says, "Breakthrough is not when you have all the finances you need. Breakthrough is when you are not afraid." This is so true. We always pray for financial breakthrough, which is legitimate, but the real breakthrough is when you have rent and bills to pay and don't have the money yet and there is no fear, no unbelief, no anxiety in your heart. A deeper, greater breakthrough than that of your circumstance is the one of your heart.

I want this kind of breakthrough - freedom from fear and unbelief. It's why the Israelites wandered in the wilderness for 40 years, "...they could not enter in [to rest] because of unbelief" (Hebr. 3:19). No matter how many times they saw God provide, the next situation where they needed to trust Him, their faith failed them. We are no different today. This seems to be one of our greatest weaknesses as believers. I am repenting for my faithless heart and contending for the breakthrough, making progress for sure :)

psalm 91

i was telling a friend recently, an older woman who is becoming a spiritual mom to me (she ministered in the inner city for 10 years. when i heard this, i said, "we need to talk. tell me your story"), how i have been feeling anxious about finances. i know the Lord has called me, that i am doing what He wants me to do, but getting my brain to align with what i know so strongly in my spirit is the challenge. our minds are always the battle field. God says to seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things (speaking of food, clothes, shelter) will be added to us (Matthew 6:33). i read these beautiful, freeing words and experience tangible peace, but then my logic clicks into gear and i try to perceive this in the natural and it seems so impossible...i feel the anxiety creeping in, and the peace leaves.

so this woman told me what she does - she reads psalm 91. it says "He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress; my God in Him i will trust. Surely He will deliver me from the snare of the fowler and from the perilous pestilence; He shall cover you with His feathers and under His wings you will take refuge...." as she was reciting this from memory, i was feeling the weight of God's presence, as was she. i decided to do as she does, verbally speak this psalm over myself, repeat it over and over and ponder the words, visualize the text. i also decided to stop looking at financial circumstances in the natural, thinking of all the money i have to raise, how impossible it seems, etc, and to just do what i need to do - call people, make appointments, go through all the steps - and not dwell on, "how is this going to work out?" i decided to deliberately disengage my mind from my actions, and the whole time look at Jesus and His words to me. when i set my eyes on the heavenly realm where He dwells, i literally feel 100% faith in my heart. when i go up there, i feel, "of course God's gonna do this, no questions asked. it wouldn't make sense for Him not to?"

so here's the 2 keys - reading Scripture out loud, so your own ears can hear it, and by all the force of your will, looking up.

overwhelmed

there's a song by Hillsong United called "To Know Your Name" (search it on youtube, it's amazing) and one of the lines is "Your grace has overwhelmed my brokenness..." I was worshiping to this song and began weeping at this line. I visualized our brokenness and His grace overtaking it, completely covering it up to where you can't see it anymore. 1 Peter 4:8 came to mind - "...love will cover a multitude of sins." I immediately understood what it meant. it's His love literally covering our sins, imagine a blanket, to where you can't see them anymore, they don't exist in His eyes. His great love for us causes our sins to be invisible. it's more than sins too - it's all our struggles, pains, anxieties, failures....our brokenness. in the context of this song, His grace - His enabling ability, His power and mercy - completely overtakes these things and makes them go away. i was weeping because i could feel it, His grace coming at that moment, descending upon my stresses and doubts, and overwhelming them...they disappear.

(comment please :) )

Peter and God's wonderful refining process

i recently finished 1 Peter, i was reading and meditating on it slowly for a long time, and the book is all about good conduct as a Christian. What this means is righteous and blameless living, that when the Gentiles (unbelievers) revile you as evildoers, they may see your good conduct and be put to shame and glorify God in the end (essentially, be convicted because they accused you and out of this conviction, turn to the Lord and receive salvation). also, i love the character of Peter, because in his example you see so vividly the power of the Holy Spirit to transform a man. When Christ called him, he was young, impulsive, self-confident, self-righteous, strong in himself but also bold and fiery. He had the audacity to rebuke Jesus (when Jesus said to him "Get behind me Satan") and to say to Jesus that he'd be with him to the death (after which Christ told him he would deny Him 3 times). yet we see demonstrations of his boldness - he was the first to step out of the boat when Jesus walked on water. when Peter denies Christ, he is devastated and severely humbled. i believe this is why the Lord allowed this to happen, because Peter needed to be humbled and needed to see that he was not strong in himself, that he was not even able to stand strong in the faith without the aid of the Holy Spirit.

Peter denies the Lord, yet Jesus instantly takes him back after the resurrection. Jesus calls a very humbled and ashamed Peter to Himself and tells him to feed His sheep, to follow Him (John 21). Jesus says, " '...when you were younger, you girded yourself and walked where you wished; but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will gird you and carry you where you do not wish.' This He spoke, signifying by what death he would glorify God" (John 21:18-19). Peter realized by these words that he would suffer much in his life. Peter wrote 1 and 2 Peter at the end of his life, right before he was crucified, and as you read these letters, you are seeing a completely different man than the young guy that Jesus called to be his disciple - still bold as ever but a man of great meekness who requested to be crucified upside down because of revelation of his own unworthiness to even die the same way Jesus did. The man who starts off his Christian walk thinking he's "the stuff" ends it knowing he is nothing - that Christ is everything, that Christ in him is the only thing that makes him great. He got this revelation not all of a sudden, but slowly, by God's process of chipping away at the areas of his heart that were not Christ-like. Day by day, year by year, God worked in Peter and slowly changed and purified him through suffering and trials to be a man of boldness, as he always was, but also humble, meek, having no confidence in his own strength and no self-righteousness.

Peter's life is such a witness of God's complete ability to transform us and take even our greatest weaknesses and redeem them and turn them into strengths. we want this to happen right away, but God loves processes! And the best part is, He never gives up on us. Let Peter's testimony be an encouragement and assurance to us that if God can change him and call someone like him, with all his issues, he can change any one of us and complete the good work He started.

the truth is, I don't trust God

why is it so hard to trust God?!?! i am frustrated with myself because no matter how many times God comes through for me, every time a new challenge arises, i find myself not trusting! the worst part about it is that the "new challenge" is not new at all, but the same type of situation i just went through 3 months earlier where God came through massively. say finances, for example - a BIG source of stress for missionaries, and an area that, for some reason, is the most difficult to trust God in. when i graduated college, completed my internship at ZHOP, and was entering into living 100% on support, i had 2 weeks to raise enough monthly funding. i was freaking out. i remember crying to a friend on the phone saying, "God called me to full-time ministry, but how am i going to do this, i don't have any funding!" funny part is, i was having this crisis of trust before i had even made a real concerted effort to raise funds. guess what happened? 2 weeks later, i had the money i needed to be a full-time missionary. then i thought, "how stupid of me to doubt the Lord! God, forgive me for my faithlessness."

i thought i learned my lesson, but now i am back in the same boat, in need of finances and stressing out about it. as before, i haven't made a real effort to raise more support, but i'm already anxious. as i am writing this, i am seeing how ridiculous it is to stress before you've even tried. and even more ridiculous, to stress when you are loved by someone like our Lord, who gives to those who ask according to His will. James calls it double-mindedness and instability when a man asks from the Lord and doubts that he shall have it (Jas 1:6).

it really is all on God. if God wants you to do something, He must provide the way, or else you can't do it. the pressure's all on Him! you don't have to do anything but BELIEVE! it is part of our inheritance in Christ to live stress-free. why do we not receive this inheritance? we have the privilege of serving a God who deeply cares and has our best interest in mind (as much as we do not believe that sometimes). let's start acting like it.

p.s. please comment :)

How to use ZHOP TV

This little embedded video I have here (on the right side of the page) is a bunch of audio and video clips from sets at ZHOP, various worship leaders, conferences, and services. To browse, go to "Menu", "Browse On-Demand Library" and select what you would like to listen to.

I'm on it! To find me, do the above and you'll see my name :)