favor and godly cheating

well i haven't written in a while because i've been on sabbatical, traveling in the US visiting wonderful friends, eating good American food, and resting a lot. it's been amazing. i'll be in the States until August 23, when i will go back to Sudan.

a really cool thing happened to me during my time here that exemplifies God's heart to bless. i feel like sometimes, following Jesus is like cheating in life. certainly there are hard times, valleys, but there are times of real blessing, moments of favor that just make you chuckle to yourself because you know it's the Lord...and He's chuckling too. i remember in college, because my friends and i often chose to have prayer meetings for hours or emergency ministry sessions to unsaved friends in the middle of the night, we would often end up barely studying to exams. all too often, someone would exclaim at 4am after we'd just had an amazing time in His Presence, "Oh Lord help me on my test tomorrow!" (i'm not recommending doing this; i'm just saying it's what we did.) we had countless testimonies of God just telling people exactly what to study or literally showing them how to answer a question during the exam. i think He loved our immature hearts.

i had a day of favor a few weeks ago. i went to have a facial and started talking to the woman, a non-Christian, about my work and life in Sudan. when she was finished, i stood to pay her, and she pulls out her waller and says, "No, i'm going to pay you. Thank you for what you do." She handed me $120! (i had thought it was $80 but i noticed later one of the bills was a 50 not a 20). the facial only cost $40.

then i missed a flight due to traffic and had to be rerouted on a much longer route to my destination, risking 2 flights on standby. it wasn't pleasant at all. at the counter, the ticketing agent tells me it will cost $595 to alter my flights. my heart sunk but i had no choice. my dad steps in to pay, i refuse, he insists, i give in. she hands him the receipt, and after walking away, we look and see that it's for $25. after repeated confirmations that it would cost $595, we pay $25.

i feel like we as believers cheat through life sometimes, because we're His kids...as it should be. we get treated special. we defy the laws of nature and escape the laws of cause and effect, the "there is no other way" reality. so often, things that shouldn't happen, do! the thing is, even if i had dropped 600 bucks on airfare and 40 bucks on beautification and had not gotten answers to exam questions, God would still be good and i'd still have peace in knowing He'll make it turn out ok. He doesn't need to do such things to demonstrate His goodness, but He chooses to because He likes it. i believe it makes God feel good, to see our hearts do that little leap they do when some small blessing occurs, to see a smile spread across our faces and our eyes looking up to catch His when we say, "That was so sweet, God. Thanks." we feel the pleasure of being His in those moments, special, different from the crowds...because we are.

blog is under construction

excuse all the messiness, but i'm trying to redesign my blog and learning how to do it as i go. so be patient while it looks disorganized :)

afflictions eclipsed by glory

i had by best night in Sudan thus far the evening before i flew out. we had a visitor with us for 10 days, Kat. she's an amazing singer and musician who carries an anointing to break open the atmosphere through worship. this is exactly what we need in Sudan, where there's little authentic worship. before she came, she wrote a song for/about Sudan in Juba Arabic based on Jeremiah 33 delineating the Lord's promises to Israel. she sang it in church on Sudan and the presence of the Lord came. the children quietly listened and began singing along once they picked it up. everyone started cheering during the chorus - "Beled Sudani, Rabuna b'hilaju ita" (Sudan land, the Lord will heal you). we decided to record it the next night (on Macbook Garage Band) with some of the girls, Justin on guitar, and drums. it was absolutely incredible. the kids were overjoyed to be doing something like this. it came out beautifully (as beautiful as a Macbook recording can sound). when we finished, everyone cheered in typical Sudanese fashion - very loud, high-pitched screams. the other kids had heard the racked and about 30 came over to see what was happening. we let them all in and everyone started singing the chorus over and over. they didn't even realize it, but by the Spirit they were declaring it over the land. the Spirit fell and we were jumping around, dancing, cheering, laughing. it was so spontaneous and authentic and joyful. we're going to give the recording to some local radio stations. this song needs to be heart and proclaimed.

writing about this experience does not do it justice. i can't describe how incredible it was - the atmosphere breaking open, tangible joy and life seizing us, the excitement of the children, and a declaration going forth - Sudan land, the Lord WILL heal you!" (i will post photos on facebook and a video soon!)

as you all know, the last month or so has been extremely difficult for me. but it's amazing how one night, one experience in His presence, can trump all that. when i feel like i just can't do it anymore, times like this make me remember "yeah, this is why i'm in it..." this makes all the hardship worth it. moments of heaven touching earth, glimpses of His beauty, eclipse all the afflictions.

small beautiful things

the last few weeks have been hard, almost unbearable. i don't want to talk about that. i want to talk about beautiful things i've seen that, if even for a moment these days, make my heart smile. if there's one thing i've learned after 6 months in Sudan, it's that small things add up and become the "stuff" of the Kingdom. Jesus healing a sick person was worth just as much as Him letting the little children come to Him. casting out a demon was just as important and valuable to Him as eating with His disciples, laughing with them. both emanated love, demonstrated His nature, and brought healing. in fact, i will go so far as to say i think the latter examples are more important than the former, because God is all about relationship. the day-to-day relationship building and interaction is where the ultimate change in people's hearts happens.

i have seen many small beautiful things that evidence to me that the Lord is moving and using me. Ima (3) called me "giata", "white person" in Kakwa, for 3 months. i really hated it. he's a pretty hefty little boy and would fight constantly; he wasn't afraid to even smack me a couple times, which really bothered me. but finally he learned my name and i have witnessed a change in him where he has almost completely stopped fighting (except for the occasional scuffle with his fellow toddlers). every time he sees me outside, he shouts, "Rina!" and runs up to me.

one evening, i was eating supper with the older boys. Safari (20) was in the group, and he is not the most open, outgoing person. where the other kids talk to me and tell me what's going on in their hearts, Safari won't. we were all sitting there joking and talking. eventually, Safari and i got into a conversation about Sudanese culture, politics, faith, and the rest of the group disbursed. unprompted, he begins telling me his life story, from the beginning. he talked about his passion for the Lord at a young age, how God really set him apart, his abusive home situation, his suffering, and how he would pray for deliverance. he told me everything. i was so touched that he trusted me enough to share this with me.

we received a 14-year old girl named Akot from the brothels in Juba about one week ago. she's lived a horrible life, as you can imagine, and came very broken. there has been a dramatic transformation in her where in just one week she is like a completely different person. she would barely smile when she first came; now she smiles big all the time, plays with the kids, and trusted in Jesus this past Sunday.

little Daniel (2) has children's asthma which causes difficulty in breathing. there were days when he would just be out of it, in a catatonic-like state. the doctor recommended we put him on a nebulizer, which we don't currently possess. we treated him with an inhaler and he has dramatically improved. his breathing is so much better and he is much happier and livelier.

things like this make life worth living. i'm beginning to see as the Lord sees, to count these things as victories and not overlook them as insignificant. i believe this is how we conquer darkness, one small change, one small life at a time.

thorns

i have always wondered what Paul's thorn was. it will be the first question i ask him when i get to heaven. a thorn can be many things - physical infirmity, emotional pain, a difficult life circumstance. we all are afflicted with different ones. i think thorns can be seasonal too, but some are probably lifelong. my thorn in this season is loneliness. (i wonder if this was Paul's, too). i've asked Him to take it away but it is clear that he has me in it for a season (i hope). there has been grace, but i also have never felt as alone in my life as i have in the last few months. (p.s. this is going to be a very vulnerable blog post. it's not meant to be depressing but real and honest). a friend had a dream about me that indicated that this was the season i was in - one of birthing the purposes of God alone. i can't say it was an encouraging word, but helpful to know that this season is orchestrated by God, not the product of some mistake or human error. i've come to a place where i can be very real with God and not try to be super spiritual, holy, abandoned, or strong. i say to Him, "God, this is painful and i don't like it. please let this season be over soon." He knows my heart; He knows i've given Him everything and have said, "Yes" to Him, so i don't have to be strong. i tell Him i don't understand, it hurts, and i ask for deliverance. i feel very distant from Him these days; i can't feel His presence and i can't see His smile. i'm relying on what i know, that He IS smiling, He LOVES me, He's WITH me.

all that to say it's been hard the last few weeks. i don't know what to make of it and can't draw some kind of conclusion. it's all a jumbled mess in my heart.

God is good. i'm in pain. i love Jesus. that's about all i got these days.

this is how much God likes me

it seems that on my worst days, God goes out of His way to
encourage me. He is just amazing like that. even though i know that
discouragement means i am not seeing through the eyes of faith, He
does not reprimand me. instead, in payment for my wavering heart, He
does the sweetest things to encourage me. it's because He is the great High Priest, able to sympathize with our weakness, for He was one of us.

one such incident happened a few weeks ago on a day when everything that had gone wrong climaxed. i was completely miserable and very weary in heart because of many
problems that had arisen, burdens of responsibility that i felt, and
suffering that i had seen. there's only so many malnourished babies
and only so much of people coming to your door saying they have no money and "please
take in our children" that i can take, and at this point i was worn
out. on this particular day, i also found out that my method of communication - direct, straight forward, to-the-point - was hurting some of the staff, as the communication style here is pretty much the opposite. i was hurt and felt disliked when my intentions were pure and my love for the people, real. God knew and sympathized. as i was expressing all these troubles to a fellow missionary friend, my phone rings and it's one of our staff. it was Saturday and he called just to ask me how i was doing. he had never done this before and didn't know anything about the hurt i was feeling. it was so kind and i was touched. Jesus tended to my wounds in the most tender way.

another day a similar thing happened. it was Sunday and we had church that morning. it was a really dry service. that happens here sometimes, because the main stronghold in southern Sudan is the religious spirit. i was really disappointed and again, discouraged, because i didn't understand. i didn't understand why some services are so free and full of Holy Spirit that kids are crying, kneeling, prostrate before the Lord, and others are dry as a bone, where i feel like i am ramming my head against a concrete wall. it was like that this particular Sunday. i went out to town on my own that day to a favorite spot of mine and wrote to the Lord, expressing my frustration and confusion about His ways. that evening, one of our girls, Joyce (15, pictured), approached me and shared a vision she had had that morning, at that dry and dead service that i thought nothing good could come out of. she saw all the children standing under a green umbrella (Psalm 24) and bolts of lightning flashing all around. at first she thought it was the sunlight that was causing her to see this, so she turned to a shady place and saw the flashes of lightning again. the vision spoke of God's power being released in the place of rest in His presence. but it meant so much more to me than that. it was yet again Jesus cradling my heart, caring about my discouragements, nursing my wounds, and kindling the flame of encouragement and faith in my spirit.

declare and it shall be

one of our elder boys, Safari (20), told me a testimony recently that highlights the power of speaking something forth. we have had minimal rain this rainy season, which is devastating to a nation that depends so much on subsistence agriculture. our kids have little garden plots on the compound and elsewhere. safari had planted potatoes and the crop was not producing because of the lack of water. he was really unhappy and discouraged. one night, as he's sitting around with other kids and mamas, the Holy Spirit comes on him and he says, "Tonight at 4am, it's going to rain, and it won't stop until 6am." everyone looked at him like, "ok..." well guess what? the rain began at exactly 4am and didn't stop until 6am that morning. one of the girls said to him the next day, "Wow, I'm afraid of you, Safari." and his crop is now prospering.