Until I See His Face...

i believe He heals

2011-10-28T09:06:00.002-04:00

last week, a 15-year old girl drowned in a small pound right outside our compound fence. she was not one of the Iris children, but a community child who attended our primary school. i was getting ready to wash clothes when i saw a stampede of children run from the school across the compound to the pond. as i made my way over, i heard crying and murmurings "she died..." i got there in time to see some school teachers pulling her body out of the water and i waded through as quickly as i could, panic in my heart, softly praying. i didn't understand how someone that size could drown in a relatively shallow pool, but she couldn't swim and when she slipped and fell in, she panicked (apparently the reason many people drown when they shouldn't have). the girls with her ran to get the headmaster, but by the time he arrived, it was too late. i performed CPR and mouth-to-mouth on her for some time, to no avail. i and several others prayed over her as well, also to no avail. we ended up transporting her body to the local hospital morgue, such an eerie experience. even though i had no relationship with this girl, a child's death is a painful tragedy. on the way to the hospital, i kept thinking "if those girls had just gone to the guards (who were right near the pond) instead of running all the way back to the school....if there was a defibrillator in the hospital...." it just seemed like such a senseless death.

around here, there's no modern medicine, no ambulances, no good roads. there's nothing to lean on and no other option except the Lord's power. it's so difficult for me to reconcile the fact that i believe God to heal and raise the dead, and fully believed for it in this situation, and the fact that it didn't happen. i don't understand why, when it truly is the only hope. i guess this incident has caused me to hunger for that more, for God to move in power and manifest Himself among us, to petition God and give Him no rest (Isaiah 62:7). the people here see so much death and are so heavy-laden as a result that they desperately need to witness the life that Jesus brings to alleviate some of that burden. i guess there's not much else to do but believe God to be who He says He is and continue to cry out for Him to come.

highlights from the last few months

2011-10-04T09:35:00.008-04:00

i haven't written in a ridiculously long time. i've been busier the last few months than i've ever been in my life. i traveled to Uganda at the beginning of September for a short holiday, desperately needing a break and some good food in my system. i laid by the pool for 3 days, got a wonderful haircut and pedicure, and had lunch with one of our recent secondary school graduates who is currently studying in Kampala. i’ve learned many things since moving to the mission field almost 2 years ago, one of them being to fully enjoy good food and pampering and not feel bad about it. i used to, thinking “the poor don’t get this, so I will deprive myself of it”. that is not God’s heart at all. if He blesses me with something, He wants me to enjoy it and enjoy life. it can’t be just hardship and sacrifice all the time. as a missionary, i’ve learned to work hard and play hard.

we battled a sickness outbreak on the compound a few weeks ago. about 25 kids had malaria and 15 had typhoid. we are not sure that it was typhoid because the tests used here are outdated and inaccurate. whatever it was, it was bad. i wasn't around for most of the outbreak. after getting back from Uganda, i felt i was still too tired to re-enter the craziness of work and went to stay with some friends in town for a few days. the other missionaries and some visitors did an amazing job handling it, treating kids and driving to the clinic as much as 4 times a day on some of the worst roads you can imagine (let's just say it takes 30 minutes to go 5 miles). We decided to medicate all the kids with a generic antibiotic that treats multiple sicknesses, to nip this thing in the bud. so followed a week long process of medicating 119 Sudanese kids twice a day – a very hectic, exhausting undertaking. eventually, all kids were treated and cured.

we took in a girl off the streets in July. she had been living in the local market for 2 years, the store owners told us. we wondered if her parents had died and she had no one to look after her. further investigation showed that both her parents are alive but dumped her on the streets because she has a severe learning disability, and the mentally disabled are viewed as less than human here. she didn't know her name, so we called her Mercy. she was pretty wild when she came, constantly running around, attacking kids, not responding to instruction. when you are treated like an animal, you begin to act like one. i wondered how we were going to handle this, and whether we should have even taken her in. but how could we have passed her by? that is not the love of Christ. even though it was going to be difficult, her life was worth it. there were many times of prayer over her, one in particular that I participated in. it was truly one of the most amazing experiences of my life. we sat together on a grass mat with the some other missionaries, kids, and staff. i played guitar and worshipped over Mercy the whole time. the others prayed as the Lord led. she sat still, the calmest I’ve ever seen her. the most beautiful part was seeing the Sudanese pray over her. in a culture where people like her are thrown out, they were embracing her and pouring out love. Eudita, our head mama, at one point took Mercy on her lap, held her, and wept over her. most of us started crying at that point. the whole experience was like watching Jesus pull the lowest, most unlovely person out of the deepest gutter and into love and worth and beauty. Mercy has greatly improved since this time. she is still rather hyper and active, but calmer, more obedient, and not violent towards the other children. God’s at it again, doing those amazing things He does.

on a funny note, I went to Juba a few months ago with one of the other missionaries, for work purposes. we got to eat cheese and burgers and melt in the blistering heat. on the way there, we were stopped at a checkpoint and asked to show our paperwork. as we were sitting with the immigration official, he said, “many people come to our country as missionaries or pastors but they are actually disguised as CIA agents. so, you two must be CIA agents.” i had to try really hard to not burst out laughing. we calmly assured him we were not CIA agents, and he ended up buying us water and soda. it’s a moment I will always laugh about.

we’ve gotten several new long term missionaries, as well as a steady stream of short term visitors, over the last few months. it’s amazing how God has answered my prayers of last year, when there were 3 of us total and 2 or 1 at any given time on base. now there are 7, and more coming next year. it changes your whole experience to have people from your culture, who understand the way you think and feel, to talk to on a regular basis. we found a meat grinder in town and made delicious burgers last week. i’ve learned to make hummus, fajitas, and stuffed peppers and there’s now mozzarella cheese in town. one of the newest missionaries bought an entire solar power system, so there is now power in the staff office and each of the houses. the quality of life is definitely improving around here.

those have been the happenings of the last few months. it's sometimes crazy, sometimes funny, but always an adventure.

poem for the Day of the African Child

2011-06-29T09:37:00.003-04:00

This poem was recited by the children of Iris Ministries Dream Primary School on the Day of the African Child, a day of awareness about the plight of children. We're not sure who the author is, but it's very poignant and expresses well the pain and plea of the children of Sudan and other war-torn nations:

“War. War. War. Where do you come from?

You destroy education, property, the whole nation.

You are a killer!

War. War. War. Your work is destruction, destruction, destruction.

You make us fear. You bring worries, sorrows, crying, and death.

Children, Children, Children. Oh my dear children. What can we do?

We are left without parents, education, food, clothes.

Who can help us?

I thank God for kind people, NGOs, churches, and government for their concern for us.

Good news to the people of South Sudan. Parents, NGOs, and government.

From now forever, say no to war.

We need peace, unity, happiness, education, and development in our nation, South Sudan.

Say no to war. No to war. No to war. No to war.”

Nuba - conflict and God's heart

2011-06-24T12:25:00.001-04:00

a few weeks ago, fighting and bombing broke out in the Nuba Mountains, located in North Sudan in a region called South Kordofan. even though Nuba belongs to the North, many of the people fought for the southern army during the civil war and many are allied with South Sudan in their hearts. they don't want to be under an Arab government, but they don't have a choice. the government gave an order for all southern-allied forces in Nuba to disarm, which created tension and led to fighting on the ground. then bombs started being dropped, and are still dropping, where about 70,000 people have been forced to flee as refugees.

3 of our boys - Malik, Kafi, Kizito - are from Nuba. their families are residing there. they were so distressed the day it began...angry, afraid, disillusioned. Malik heard talk of the people having to flee to the caves for shelter. he remembers doing this as a 9-year old boy, and how horrible it was. they hadn't been been able to get in contact with their families and were just hearing of attacks near their villages, waiting almost in anticipation to hear a report of a loved one's death. i sat with them for hours that night, wept, feeling their burden like it was my own. these guys have become my brothers, and i really felt like this suffering was happening to my family.

i felt God awakening my heart again. i used to feel the burden of the Lord for the poor and suffering so strong and just weep for hours in intercession. i'm starting to feel that again, and even though it hurts, i'm glad for it. i want to feel His heart for the poor, weep with Him, and call down His power to turn it all around.

the week of the beginnings of the Nuba conflict, and while my friend and i have been praying hard, i was teaching at a youth conference in town. a girl walked up to me and said "My name is Laughter." she was from Nuba. a few days later, a young man stood out to me in my class. i saw Jesus in Him and felt he was special. i met him the next day. he was also from Nuba. it was such a kiss from the Lord, encouragement that He was hearing our prayers and moving. please keep praying for Nuba, and our boys.

thinking about a friend's death

2011-05-11T12:04:00.002-04:00

One of our Iris guys died last week in a car accident. He graduated secondary school last year and went on to train as a driver/mechanic at a vocational training college in town. He was about 24. I think I'm still in shock over his death. It doesn't feel real, partly because I wasn't in Sudan on the compound when it happened. My first reaction was anger, at the government, for not caring about its people and building good roads and financing health care. South Sudan, a territory the size of France, has only 50 miles of paved roads. Yei Hospital has cats wandering around in the operating rooms. I know car accidents and deaths happen even where there are decent roads and proper medical facilities, but not as frequently. His body was picked up by our staff and transported to his family's village for the funeral. I can't imagine having been there for that.

We were never meant to die, to see people we love die, and endure that grief. This was never God's original design when He created man. I received an email from one of our guys out there updating me on what happened and how the kids were doing. He said everyone was really sad, but his last statement brought joy to my heart - "we know that to live is Christ, and to die is gain." I am continually amazed and challenged by the faith of the people there, that even right in the midst of such a painful, incomprehensible experience, they don't doubt the Lord and His goodness. It doesn't matter what happens in the world around them. He is good; they are sure of it.

I look to the day when He returns, makes all things new, the day when there will be no more death, no more sorrow, no more crying, no more pain.

Arikangelo, we miss you...but we know where you are, and we will see you one day. soon.

short note on weakness

2011-04-07T23:11:00.003-04:00

i've been thinking a lot about weakness. i have felt doubt and fear in certain areas of my life recently, and that all too familiar voice whispers that God is not there because you are not operating in faith. it's actually the opposite. Jesus was once a man like us; therefore, He more than anyone else sympathizes with our weaknesses (Hebrews 4:15). He knows what it's like to be afraid. He is quick to show us mercy and come to our aid, even if the reason we're in trouble is because of our own mistakes. He delivers us anyway. He doesn't despise our weakness, but rather comes along side us in our struggle and walks us through it and out of it, gently.

a beautiful collision

2011-03-30T15:56:00.000-04:00

i have been privileged to see the hand of the Lord in some of the most horrific situations on the planet. we took in a 16-year old girl who had been abducted by the LRA (a paramilitary band that sustains its activities of pillaging, rape, and slaughter by abducting children and using them as soldiers). she watched as her Congolese village was raided, her people were tortured, and her mother was hacked to death. her arms were damaged from the ropes used to tie her to a tree, and she was raped. her first day on the compound, another missionary and i walked over to the house she is living in to meet her. we introduced ourselves, shook her hand, walked outside, and both started crying. she had the most forlorn, lifeless eyes and was so heavy-laden with pain. you could see the suffering weighing her down and draining the life out of her. beholding her in that condition was one of the most horrible sights i had ever seen.

i once read an account of a missionary describing her worst moment - entering a Sudanese Dinka village after government-backed soldiers had raided it. she said that more than a hundred corpses lay where they had been savagely butchered. men, women, children, even cattle, had been cut down or herded into captivity to be carried north as slaves. devastation and death confronted the eyes everywhere.

her best moment, however, immediately follows her worst. she describes it like this:

"with the raiders gone and the results of their cruelty all around, the few women still alive--husbands slain, children kidnapped into slavery, homes ruined, and they themselves brutally raped--were pulling themselves together. their first instinctive act was to make tiny crosses out of sticks and push them into the earth. what were they doing? Fashioning instant memorials to those they had lost? no. these crosses, pressed into the ground at the moment when their bodies reeled and their hearts bled, were acts of faith. as followers of Jesus Christ, they served a God whom they believed knew pain as they knew pain. blinded by grief, horribly aware theat the world would neither know nor care about their plight, they still staked their lives on the conviction that there was One who knew and cared. they were not alone."

when i looked at our girl, i tangibly felt the horror of what she had suffered, and i could not fathom what it was like to have gone through it. but i knew Jesus was there, walking among that wreckage, and weeping as her heart wept, even though she may not have known it or felt it. He was there and He is with her now and He understands like no one else can, and she is beginning to realize that.

the Lord has already begun healing her. she has started to regain use of her arms, speak and interact with other children, smile. the healing is happening progressively, but she is daily improving. it is happening at the hands of our other children, who themselves have been touched by God and changed, and now they are reaching out and embracing and just being themselves. it is one of the most beautiful sights i have ever seen. the best follows the worst. beauty collides with tragedy.

isn't that the nature of who He is? He did not keep Himself distant from our suffering, but became one of us, so He knows it. but His knowing and understanding it is not the end of the story. He thrusts His beauty into it. He not only sympathizes with our pain; He brings resurrection, and i get to watch Him do it in this sweet girl's life.

David Crowder says it this way - "His divinity meets our depravity, and it's a beautiful collision."

restoration begins

2011-02-23T03:51:00.006-05:00

my friend recently had a dream about me standing in a large, plastic tank (the kind we use in Sudan to retain water) being washed by the Sudanese, laughing and loving it. i immediately knew the dream meant that my joy was in part going to be restored by the people of Sudan. they were going to wash away the hurts and burdens and weariness acquired from the last year. i've been praying a lot for the Lord to do the resurrection work that He has promised to do in my heart, to give me those songs of joy for tears, gladness for mourning. for the last 2 weeks, i have felt the process begin. my heart feels lighter, happy. Wendy has been a great friend to have around. having someone i get along with well to talk to and spend time with regularly has made life so much better. i really am such a relational person who does not do well without good friends but who prospers when there is even one person that i relate to. the toddlers have been coming over fairly regularly to my house, and it truly energizes and makes my day when they do. i'll put on music and they'll dance around, we'll play ball games, i'll give them some cornflakes or raisins to munch on. i have felt the love of Abuba, mama Eudita, Betty, Tito lately. they'll joke with me, make fun of me, tell me they love me and miss me when they don't see me for a day or two. Tito bought me mango juice and donuts from town the other day. i can feel the pieces of my heart that were damaged being repaired through these moments of spending time with the people. i can feel that things about the culture that used to burden me so heavily are not affecting me as much anymore. i can feel the Spirit of God reaching into my heart and renewing broken places.

my heart feels good. God is faithful and is fulfilling His word to me. it's gonna be a good year.

psalm 126

2011-02-05T04:40:00.000-05:00

i have been meditating on Psalm 126 for the last few months. i can't get out of it. every time i read it, the Lord's love washes over my heart. it goes -

"When the Lord brought back those of the captivity, we were like those who dream. Then our mouth was filled with laughter, And our tongue with singing. Then they said among the nations, “The LORD has done great things for them.” The LORD has done great things for us, And we are glad. Bring back our captivity, O LORD, As the streams in the South. Those who sow in tears Shall reap in joy. He who continually goes forth weeping, Bearing seed for sowing, Shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, Bringing his sheaves with him."

this is one of the most encouraging Scriptures, i think. i feel that it is so fitting for the season i'm in. i used to think these verses spoke of intercession and evangelism - sowing tears for the lost as seed and reaping the harvest. i've realized they mean more than that. it's also about sowing into your relationship with God. following Jesus has involved many tears for me, because i've responded to Him and His leadership. the Lord is saying that it is not in vain. the reward is joy. God has been speaking to me a lot about joy, about how he wants me to enjoy life and that this is going to be a good year for me. it's hard to hope, because it's just been painful for a long time. but i've heard it so many times that i know it's His word to me. i know i can trust Him. i'm in a place of such uncertainty about the future, not knowing where to go next or how to get there...but He is promising me joy. He is going to return to me everything that i have lost, resurrect what has been crushed inside of me, 100-fold, in this life and in the age to come.

thoughts on the Referendum

2011-01-19T08:47:00.000-05:00

the week-long Referendum voting ended on Sunday. the people of South Sudan were voting to determine this region's secession or continued unity with the North. results are not out but i am sure, from conversations over the last few months, that the people voted overwhelmingly for secession. it was such a privilege to be here during this time. this is a history-making time; a new nation may be created in the next few months, and i am here to see it! it was 2004 that the Lord broke my heart for Sudan (because of the genocide in Darfur). i wanted to go to the worst place, where people were really suffering. i wanted to stand with them, to show them that they were not alone, that God cared and Christians from around the world cared. i wanted to weep when they wept and rejoice when they rejoiced, to be embraced as one of them and as part of their lives. i've been here for a year now, getting to know the people, listening to their stories, showing them that they matter and their sufferings are not in vain. i came not knowing that i would be here for this historic event, witnessing one of the most important political phenomenons of our time.

the vote began on January 9th, my birthday. my name means peace. that's exactly what marked this week - peaceful. it was like being in Sudan on any other normal day. no tension, no violence. (there were some skirmishes along the North-South border, but these were very small and few, and nothing like that happened in Yei). most importantly, i witnessed the countenances of the people as they voted. there was joy and dignity on their faces. they were proud to be Sudanese. after decades of being treated like slaves, dehumanized, they were finally able to express their views, to make a decision for themselves, to express what they thought was best and what they wanted. they were human again, free. i stood with them as they rejoiced. i feel honored, grateful.

results will be announced February 14th. please pray that the will of the people would be respected and enacted. i am gearing up for the biggest celebration i have ever seen.

it's not in vain

2010-12-12T17:26:00.002-05:00

i was in the IHOP prayer room a few days ago (one of my favorite places on earth) listening to a chorus being sung - "i know it's not in vain, to suffer with You." i had just been talking to a friend about longing, about how God places passions in our hearts that most of the time either take years to be fulfilled or will never be accomplished through us alone. we were talking about human trafficking, my friend's longing to liberate all the slaves right now, and the pain of the realization that she can't. i was thinking of how badly i ache to adopt children and see every Christian couple doing so, and how it hurts to know that i can't do it right now and that not every Christian family will. it wouldn't make sense that the Lord would instill these desires in us and allow them to go unfulfilled for so long, if ever, except for the fact that He Himself longs so. i like to think of my longing as a small slice of His, but a taste of what He feels. longing is painful. i cannot fathom the longing of the Son of God, the one who is most passionate, who sees and knows all but must also wait. the desires within us are pieces of His. if i feel pain, how much must He feel. and so when we long, we are partaking in His longing, fellowshipping in His sufferings. this chorus struck me from a new angle. suffering is not only persecution for the faith or the fires and trials of the Christian walk on the road to perfection. it's also seeing what He sees, desiring what He has called good and righteous, pining for it, and having to wait. i believe longing is intercession. when our hearts yearn deeply for something, that in itself is transformed into prayer arising to the Lord for that thing. Hebrews 7:25 says that Jesus always lives to makes intercession for those who come to God. i think in large part, His longing is His intercession, and Jesus will get what He asks for. therefore, so will those who long with Him. it's not in vain; it bears fruit; God responds. blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

these are a few of my favorite things

2010-11-20T02:16:00.002-05:00

i was lying in bed 3 nights ago and my mind was flooded with thoughts of things i've seen and experienced here in Sudan that have warmed my heart. i began to smile to myself as the recollections came, and i felt tangible peace in my soul...

we have about 10 toddlers who go from playing together, to slapping each other, to crying, to playing together again, in 5 minute cycles. they can sometimes be so mean to each other, but they are never slow to forgive and forget. i'll watch them walk in a line, all holding hands, across the compound. i'll hear them singing worship songs and dancing together. a few days ago, 4-year old Ema blatantly stole a scrunchie that 4-year old Iko was playing with. She began to cry, i took the scrunchie back, and Ema began to cry. i scolded him and told him he could sit over there if he was gonna act like that. to my great surprise, he actually obeyed. not 5 minutes later, i see Iko walk over to him and hand him the scrunchie. her attitude was not vengeful, like "you stole this from me. now that i have it back i'll make you suffer by never giving it to you." she knew he had wanted it, so she gave it to him. i wish we were all more like this...

my favorite thing about African culture is the priority status that Africans give to relationship and conversation. loneliness does not exist here. houses are only for sleeping. people sit on their porches and eat all meals together. there's always someone to talk to. i love eating dinner by Abuba's fire. (she's one of our house mamas. "abuba" means "grandma"). she'll often share her food with me. many of the kids congregate here, because she's amazing and everyone loves to be around her. there will be a radio playing and all of us bobbing our heads to the music. occasionally, one of the kids will get really excited by a favorite song and jump up and start dancing. there's a lot of laughter, and Abuba's deep, gutteral laugh resounds above it all. one day, i slept over at a friend's house in town without telling Abuba. i came back to the compound the next day, and she proceeded to scold me (playfully) and told me to lie down on my stomach so she could cane me (the Sudanese form of spanking). it was hilarious.

one of the high school kids, Malik, LOVES the movie Stuart Little. we watch it regularly. he'll come over, i'll make some tea. after the movie, we talk about school, soccer, Sudanese politics, future plans, God. he's a very intelligent young man who went through the worst of the civil war, running into mountain caves to hide from the dropping bombs. i love hearing his thoughts, his dreams for the future, his hopeful outlook on life, his love for his nation.

i love Safari (20) and Kennedy's (16) laughs. i want to record them and play them back when i need to smile.

Justin (25) is amazing with children. he is such a rare gem in this culture where fatherless-ness is pronounced and many men don't have active roles in their children's lives. Justin is a true father after the Lord's heart. he loves the kids, and they adore him. he's always playing with them, talking to them, holding the babies. one day, 3-year old Vicky was throwing a tantrum and was wailing out in the pouring rain. an older girl carried her to the house, but she just wailed harder and went back out into the rain. Justin was sitting on his porch and said, "Bring her to me." she wailed, he took her inside, grabbed a stick, and said, "Do you want to get caned?" she was immediately silent. he then sat her on his lap and wrapped her in the jacket he was wearing. it was so beautiful.

our compound manager, Tito, is probably one of the most amazing men i have met in Sudan. he is hard-working, diligent, honest, compassionate. he has 8 beautiful kids and works tirelessly to provide for them. out of no where one day, he approached me and said, "There are some small cakes in town from Juba. I am going to buy you some" and bought me 6. no other Sudanese has done this for me. he doesn't see my white skin; he sees me as his friend, like any other.

when i lived in a room in the office, every morning, Betty our accountant, would arrive to work and shout "Rinaaaaaa!" in a high pitched squeal to greet me. it sounds like it would be annoying, but i loved it.

i am touched that Mama Eudita, our head house mama, calls me her daughter.

i wash clothes Saturday mornings. there are normally 10 grubby little toddler hands reaching into the basin "helping" me. they'll take a shirt the size of their whole bodies, put soap onto a small piece of it, scrub scrub scrub, twist out just that small piece, and throw the shirt into the clean clothes basin. when they're not looking, i sneak the shirt back in to rewash. i love their hearts.

i love the sound of rain on the corrugated iron roof. it is the most calming sound.

i love swinging in the hammock on my porch, sipping a Coke, watching the wind in the trees or the sun set. African sunsets are the best in the world.

in a harsh environment like this one, where i feel lonely sometimes and weary in heart, joy is to be found. you have to search for it at times, because it's hidden away in a word or a small action, like a treasure. but it's there, and i love when i find it.

forgiveness

2010-11-09T08:00:00.002-05:00

i haven't written in a little while because i haven't had much to say. nothing too exciting has been going on here, and nothing too profound has been happening in my brain. i'll share some recent thoughts, though. i've been thinking a lot about forgiveness and how difficult it actually is to carry out. i'm thinking of one of my friends specifically, a Congolese refugee and child soldier who witnessed killings and brutal acts of all sorts as he grew up in the midst of war in Congo. on top of that, he is a Tutsi and had to endure the heartache and pain of his people being massacred in the Rwandan genocide in 1994. he has been massively restored by the Lord, healed of a lot of anger and hatred. but there are still places of unforgiveness in his heart, people towards whom he feels vengeance, events he can't seem to forget. the initial Christian reaction is to call the person to forgive, which is right, but easier said than done. we who have not lived in war and witnessed friends, family, neighbors raped, hacked to death, murdered simply because they were of the wrong tribe cannot comprehend how difficult it must be to forgive.

i got my own tiny taste of the battle called forgiveness when i was harassed by a soldier at the Sudan-Uganda border. he called me into his office, for no official business (because i had already passed through immigration), just "to talk to me", and when i refused to come, his ego was hurt and he proceeded to demand my passport and threaten to throw me in jail. nothing infuriates me more than corruption, and i retaliated. i finally just walked off, with him still shouting after me, and for days afterward, i felt so defiled to have been treated so, like my humanity had been compromised. i wanted revenge. it took me about a week to forgive him, and this incident was not nearly as traumatizing as what my friend has endured.

forgiveness takes some serious Holy Spirit enabling. it defies the tendency of the human heart. i am awed anew at Jesus' ability to cry out "Father forgive them!" with perfect sincerity as His persecutors were driving nails into His hands. it was a direct confrontation to every natural human inclination and emotion. He was demonstrating His inherent power to forgive the worst deeds...and the ability to forgive the worst deeds that He gives to all who are in Him. i guess we pray for that ability, and ask for the working of that power in us.

adventures in Lohutok

2010-10-18T07:48:00.004-04:00

last week, i visited a friend who works in the Lopit Mountains, in a village called Lohutok. it was my first time in any place in Sudan other than Yei. i thoroughly enjoyed my relaxing visit, consisting mostly of movies, reading, and much needed conversation. Lohutok is a beautiful area comprised of several villages neatly nestled into the rocky mountain side. to get around, one must navigate steep stony paths. it's quite a demanding and exhausting task, especially in the heat of the afternoon sun, but not for the children, who are so accustomed to this terrain that they effortlessly run up and down the mountain.

my favorite past-time was going to what the people call the "river" (in reality, a stream that runs down the bare rock and gathers into a pool about thigh-deep at the bottom). the people come here to bathe, wash clothes, and generally cool off. it was so refreshing to lie in the water gently trickling down the rock, and sliding into the pool with all the kids was a lot of fun.

the children of Lohutok are a lot like the kids i know. they love visitors and immediately learn new people's names. within a few days, most people knew i was Irina, and the kids made up a funny, cute song and dance that they would perform every time they said my name. the long-termers there are given Lopit names that reflect something about them. my friend was named Iyodo, which means "the one who's stomach is missing" (because she's thin). most of the villagers are accustomed to white people, as missionaries have lived among them for years. but some toddlers still have not gotten used to the sight and would wail hysterically every time we approached on the path. their older siblings loved messing with them and would carry them right up to us, exacerbating their hysteria. it gave us all a good laugh.

the several missionaries working here live in simple houses among the people right in the villages. spending 10 days there, i realized how difficult this is and began to appreciate anew living on a secluded compound. people talk, children play, radios blare until late into the night. roosters begin crowing at about 3am, and there are hundreds of roosters. the people are up and about at 6am. it's loud all the time. there is no town and no market. the missionaries have their food flown in from Kenya by missionary airlines once every 3 months, and they can only get things that won't spoil without refrigeration. the Lopit people are largely unreached. there is a lot of witchcraft and witch doctors, theft, fighting. one of the villages' main industries and sources of income is beer production, and consumption of it is completely normal, even for young children. i thought living in Yei was hard; this is much harder. i gained huge admiration and respect for the missionaries that live and work here, some who have been there for 4+ years. their faithfulness, patience, boldness, and commitment to the Gospel is truly astounding.

the Lord is doing great things in Lohutok. a good number of people have come to Jesus throughout the years and have left lifestyles of sin behind. these ones are shining lights and examples in their communities.

i flew out on one of the missionary planes and got a little tour of Sudan on my way to Yei. the pilot had to pick up pastors and their wives from various cities and bring them to Yei for a conference. we flew all the way up to Agok, which is about 20 miles from the North-South border and the land of the Dinka people, the largest tribe in southern Sudan. it was really cool seeing different terrain and different-looking Sudanese. it got hotter and hotter as we went further north, again causing me to be grateful to live in Yei, which has the coolest climate of all of Sudan. (dry season is pretty brutal for me here; i can't imagine what it must be like in these areas). the pilot let me sit in the co-pilot seat and even allowed me to fly and land the plane! no joke; it was so fun.

i returned to Yei and was warmly greeted by all the children and staff throwing their arms around me as i exited the car. it felt good to be loved. i am glad to have spent some quality time with my friend and to have seen some more of this land that i live in. and i am grateful to live in Yei and have a new appreciation for this town and our compound.

(see Facebook for photos)

free

2010-10-01T06:08:00.003-04:00

one great thing that is/has happened to me in this hard season is such freedom from obligation and pressure. i didn't even realize i had lived like this for so long until i got so tired i could not sustain it anymore. ever since i became a Christian, i've led Bible studies, done outreaches, discipled people, held prayer meetings...i've always been doing something ministry-wise, i'll call it official ministry. i loved Jesus and i wanted to make Him known to others. i read His commands and wanted to follow, to please Him. my heart was sincere. but most of the time, i felt obligated to do the official ministry stuff because i was a Christian and this came with the package. there was not much enjoyment in it for me.

once i came to Sudan and the comforts and legitimate pleasures i was used to were removed from my life, i just could not keep doing ministry. obligation alone, my own self-inflicted pressure, was not enough to keep me going anymore. there were so many times when i would say to myself, "ok Irina, do a Bible study for the kids tonight. they love Bible studies and they'll grow from it, just do it." but the evening would come around and i just could not pull myself together to do it. i was too exhausted in my heart. i was not being poured into, filled up, encouraged because my friends were not around to talk to, i couldn't access IHOP webstream, and i couldn't drive down the road to an amazing worship meeting...when these sources of strength and infilling are present, even if i truly don't want to be doing a certain ministry thing, obligation is a strong enough prompting to cause me to do that thing. even though doing the ministry things did not feel life-giving most of the time, because i was filled up in my spirit and prospering in my heart, i could manage to exert the effort necessary to do it. out here, obligation lost its power. i completely stopped doing everything official, organized ministry - Bible studies, outreaches, prayer meetings. once i stopped it all and completely removed myself from it, i understood the pressure that i had been living under my entire Christian life. i came back to Sudan and all i wanted (and still want) to do in the area of ministry is talk with the older kids and play with the little ones. that's it. i have no desire and no energy in my heart to do anything else....and i realized i don't HAVE to. Mike Bickle said an amazing thing in his Song of Solomon teaching that i'm currently listening to: "Everything you do won't ultimately matter if its roots weren't found in passion for God. The biggest ministry means nothing if it wasn't flowing out of love for God." this was the most freeing statement i have ever heard. God, you mean i don't HAVE to do weekly Bible studies? i don't HAVE to go on outreaches and evangelize? Exactly, i don't have to. i am loving simple, life-on-life ministry these days, the kind where you just talk with people, laugh with them, tell jokes, talk about Jesus. i am not at all saying Bible studies, outreaches, etc are not valid. they are totally necessary and good and Jesus clearly calls us to disciple, preach, teach, minister. but if it's not coming out of desire and true enjoyment of what you're doing, if the majority of the fuel is obligation to the Gospel, then it's just not worth doing. it will make you tired, unhappy, and anxious for the thing to end.

i feel very free. every day i do what i want to be doing. of course issues and conflicts arise that must be resolved and of course no one ever wants to deal with that stuff. of course there are things daily that i have to do that i may not feel like doing - that's life. what i'm saying is, in my work and ministry, i only do what i want to do, what makes my heart happy, what gives me pleasure and satisfaction, what feeds my soul. this is a much better way to live, and i think i'm gonna keep it.

yelling about the Father's love

2010-09-11T03:03:00.003-04:00

i'm on a journey of learning about the Father's heart. it's funny and ironic to me that the place where God starts teaching me about this is in Sudan in the midst of a difficult season that i'm in, probably the most difficult season of my Christian life thus far. i think that is intentional on His part. if we can get it in the hard times, we will surely know it in the easy times.

there are several facets to the Lord. there's the Bridegroom, the Suffering Servant, the Comforter, the Judge, the King, to name a few. i have always felt the love of God but i only recently realized that i haven't really ever felt the love of the Father, that specific facet of Him. different seasons bring different revelations of His nature, and He reveals all of Himself to us in time.

it's important for us to really grasp deep the love that the Father has toward us in times of hardship, when circumstances aren't necessarily exemplifying this truth to us. it's so powerful when we reach, against all circumstances, toward His heart and cry, "I know You love me!!" it's similar to praising in the midst of disaster; something transformative happens within us when we do. our hearts are supernaturally strengthened and we are thrust deeper into Truth. the enemy consequently and progressively loses more and more of his influence on us.

like i've said before, in my early years as a Christian, the Lord taught me about the suffering element of the Christian life. what i'm learning now as He's revealing the Father to me is that an understanding of suffering as a reality of following Jesus in this life is not going to get you through hardships. take me. i understood it, knew the Scriptures about it, knew countless stories of martyrs and saints that have gone before us and what they endured, even Christ Himself...but encountering a very difficult season almost shattered me completely. it's knowing that THE FATHER LOVES US that will get us through. it's screaming at the circumstances and the powers and principalities that debilitate us with lies, "I AM LOVED!! NOTHING CAN SEPARATE ME!" and it's accessing this love in hard times and pushing to believe it and feel it that solidifies this truth in our hearts.

reflections from the wilderness

2010-09-06T08:35:00.002-04:00

i have been back in Sudan for a week and a half now after a wonderful, refreshing time in the U.S. my heart was overwhelmingly happy to see all my friends and receive much needed wisdom and encouragement. in those last few months in Sudan, i felt very lonely, disheartened, emotionally exhausted, and without hope. i knew the season i was in was purposed by the Lord but it was unbearable to walk through. i found myself frustrated at God, wondering "why do You keep putting me through fires and trials? this can't be the only aspect of the Christian walk - suffering, death to self, refinement, crucifixion..." i realized that my view of God was distorted. He had given me revelation after I got saved of suffering, but it became my only image of Him. He was perpetually the Suffering Servant, the Man on the cross. yet i felt so hopeless in this image changing considering the calling i find myself in and the circumstances of it at this time. i felt that my life was just always going to be hard, constant tribulations and training grounds and flames and character refinement. even though i knew it could not be true, i was overcome with hopelessness, despair, and fear. i loved Him, but i felt afraid and hurt. i knew i needed to be restored. i needed truth spoken into me, over and over. my friends did just that, and i am beyond grateful to them.

i find myself back in Yei, and i feel different. it's still the same compound and same general challenges, but i have hope and a godly perspective on things. i can feel the Father's heart toward me, toward my simple, human desires, whereas i felt before that He did not care about those as much as big, spiritual things like salvation of souls, deliverance for the oppressed. i have to periodically combat the ever-surfacing lie which dictates just that, but i know now that things i want are high on God's priority list. i don't necessarily see that reflected in my circumstances and i have yet to see those desires met, but i am accessing the Father's heart by faith. i think that if a person can really get that the Father loves them in times when nothing around them says so, that truth will be established deep within them and will never be shaken through peace or storm.

i think that my time in Sudan is going to be a wilderness season. i don't think that means the entirety of it will be excruciatingly painful (at least i hope not), but i believe that in general, it's going to be a trying time, with times of refreshing in the midst. i'd be lying if i said that this excites me; it doesn't. but i know that the only response that will get me anywhere is to press with all my might into God's heart. i want to learn to lean. i want to get out of this season everything He has for me, and i don't want to miss Him in it by wishing it away.

all in all, i have been humbled, broken to pieces, distressed....and then embraced, encouraged, rebuilt. God sees, God cares. no sorrow is wasted. He makes all things new. those who sow in tears will reap in songs of joy.

favor and godly cheating

2010-08-06T10:04:00.003-04:00

well i haven't written in a while because i've been on sabbatical, traveling in the US visiting wonderful friends, eating good American food, and resting a lot. it's been amazing. i'll be in the States until August 23, when i will go back to Sudan.

a really cool thing happened to me during my time here that exemplifies God's heart to bless. i feel like sometimes, following Jesus is like cheating in life. certainly there are hard times, valleys, but there are times of real blessing, moments of favor that just make you chuckle to yourself because you know it's the Lord...and He's chuckling too. i remember in college, because my friends and i often chose to have prayer meetings for hours or emergency ministry sessions to unsaved friends in the middle of the night, we would often end up barely studying to exams. all too often, someone would exclaim at 4am after we'd just had an amazing time in His Presence, "Oh Lord help me on my test tomorrow!" (i'm not recommending doing this; i'm just saying it's what we did.) we had countless testimonies of God just telling people exactly what to study or literally showing them how to answer a question during the exam. i think He loved our immature hearts.

i had a day of favor a few weeks ago. i went to have a facial and started talking to the woman, a non-Christian, about my work and life in Sudan. when she was finished, i stood to pay her, and she pulls out her waller and says, "No, i'm going to pay you. Thank you for what you do." She handed me $120! (i had thought it was $80 but i noticed later one of the bills was a 50 not a 20). the facial only cost $40.

then i missed a flight due to traffic and had to be rerouted on a much longer route to my destination, risking 2 flights on standby. it wasn't pleasant at all. at the counter, the ticketing agent tells me it will cost $595 to alter my flights. my heart sunk but i had no choice. my dad steps in to pay, i refuse, he insists, i give in. she hands him the receipt, and after walking away, we look and see that it's for $25. after repeated confirmations that it would cost $595, we pay $25.

i feel like we as believers cheat through life sometimes, because we're His kids...as it should be. we get treated special. we defy the laws of nature and escape the laws of cause and effect, the "there is no other way" reality. so often, things that shouldn't happen, do! the thing is, even if i had dropped 600 bucks on airfare and 40 bucks on beautification and had not gotten answers to exam questions, God would still be good and i'd still have peace in knowing He'll make it turn out ok. He doesn't need to do such things to demonstrate His goodness, but He chooses to because He likes it. i believe it makes God feel good, to see our hearts do that little leap they do when some small blessing occurs, to see a smile spread across our faces and our eyes looking up to catch His when we say, "That was so sweet, God. Thanks." we feel the pleasure of being His in those moments, special, different from the crowds...because we are.

blog is under construction

2010-07-19T10:56:00.001-04:00

excuse all the messiness, but i'm trying to redesign my blog and learning how to do it as i go. so be patient while it looks disorganized :)

afflictions eclipsed by glory

2010-07-16T11:00:00.003-04:00

i had by best night in Sudan thus far the evening before i flew out. we had a visitor with us for 10 days, Kat. she's an amazing singer and musician who carries an anointing to break open the atmosphere through worship. this is exactly what we need in Sudan, where there's little authentic worship. before she came, she wrote a song for/about Sudan in Juba Arabic based on Jeremiah 33 delineating the Lord's promises to Israel. she sang it in church on Sudan and the presence of the Lord came. the children quietly listened and began singing along once they picked it up. everyone started cheering during the chorus - "Beled Sudani, Rabuna b'hilaju ita" (Sudan land, the Lord will heal you). we decided to record it the next night (on Macbook Garage Band) with some of the girls, Justin on guitar, and drums. it was absolutely incredible. the kids were overjoyed to be doing something like this. it came out beautifully (as beautiful as a Macbook recording can sound). when we finished, everyone cheered in typical Sudanese fashion - very loud, high-pitched screams. the other kids had heard the racked and about 30 came over to see what was happening. we let them all in and everyone started singing the chorus over and over. they didn't even realize it, but by the Spirit they were declaring it over the land. the Spirit fell and we were jumping around, dancing, cheering, laughing. it was so spontaneous and authentic and joyful. we're going to give the recording to some local radio stations. this song needs to be heart and proclaimed.

writing about this experience does not do it justice. i can't describe how incredible it was - the atmosphere breaking open, tangible joy and life seizing us, the excitement of the children, and a declaration going forth - Sudan land, the Lord WILL heal you!" (i will post photos on facebook and a video soon!)

as you all know, the last month or so has been extremely difficult for me. but it's amazing how one night, one experience in His presence, can trump all that. when i feel like i just can't do it anymore, times like this make me remember "yeah, this is why i'm in it..." this makes all the hardship worth it. moments of heaven touching earth, glimpses of His beauty, eclipse all the afflictions.

small beautiful things

2010-07-06T04:04:00.001-04:00

the last few weeks have been hard, almost unbearable. i don't want to talk about that. i want to talk about beautiful things i've seen that, if even for a moment these days, make my heart smile. if there's one thing i've learned after 6 months in Sudan, it's that small things add up and become the "stuff" of the Kingdom. Jesus healing a sick person was worth just as much as Him letting the little children come to Him. casting out a demon was just as important and valuable to Him as eating with His disciples, laughing with them. both emanated love, demonstrated His nature, and brought healing. in fact, i will go so far as to say i think the latter examples are more important than the former, because God is all about relationship. the day-to-day relationship building and interaction is where the ultimate change in people's hearts happens.

i have seen many small beautiful things that evidence to me that the Lord is moving and using me. Ima (3) called me "giata", "white person" in Kakwa, for 3 months. i really hated it. he's a pretty hefty little boy and would fight constantly; he wasn't afraid to even smack me a couple times, which really bothered me. but finally he learned my name and i have witnessed a change in him where he has almost completely stopped fighting (except for the occasional scuffle with his fellow toddlers). every time he sees me outside, he shouts, "Rina!" and runs up to me.

one evening, i was eating supper with the older boys. Safari (20) was in the group, and he is not the most open, outgoing person. where the other kids talk to me and tell me what's going on in their hearts, Safari won't. we were all sitting there joking and talking. eventually, Safari and i got into a conversation about Sudanese culture, politics, faith, and the rest of the group disbursed. unprompted, he begins telling me his life story, from the beginning. he talked about his passion for the Lord at a young age, how God really set him apart, his abusive home situation, his suffering, and how he would pray for deliverance. he told me everything. i was so touched that he trusted me enough to share this with me.

we received a 14-year old girl named Akot from the brothels in Juba about one week ago. she's lived a horrible life, as you can imagine, and came very broken. there has been a dramatic transformation in her where in just one week she is like a completely different person. she would barely smile when she first came; now she smiles big all the time, plays with the kids, and trusted in Jesus this past Sunday.

little Daniel (2) has children's asthma which causes difficulty in breathing. there were days when he would just be out of it, in a catatonic-like state. the doctor recommended we put him on a nebulizer, which we don't currently possess. we treated him with an inhaler and he has dramatically improved. his breathing is so much better and he is much happier and livelier.

things like this make life worth living. i'm beginning to see as the Lord sees, to count these things as victories and not overlook them as insignificant. i believe this is how we conquer darkness, one small change, one small life at a time.

thorns

2010-06-28T09:27:00.000-04:00

i have always wondered what Paul's thorn was. it will be the first question i ask him when i get to heaven. a thorn can be many things - physical infirmity, emotional pain, a difficult life circumstance. we all are afflicted with different ones. i think thorns can be seasonal too, but some are probably lifelong. my thorn in this season is loneliness. (i wonder if this was Paul's, too). i've asked Him to take it away but it is clear that he has me in it for a season (i hope). there has been grace, but i also have never felt as alone in my life as i have in the last few months. (p.s. this is going to be a very vulnerable blog post. it's not meant to be depressing but real and honest). a friend had a dream about me that indicated that this was the season i was in - one of birthing the purposes of God alone. i can't say it was an encouraging word, but helpful to know that this season is orchestrated by God, not the product of some mistake or human error. i've come to a place where i can be very real with God and not try to be super spiritual, holy, abandoned, or strong. i say to Him, "God, this is painful and i don't like it. please let this season be over soon." He knows my heart; He knows i've given Him everything and have said, "Yes" to Him, so i don't have to be strong. i tell Him i don't understand, it hurts, and i ask for deliverance. i feel very distant from Him these days; i can't feel His presence and i can't see His smile. i'm relying on what i know, that He IS smiling, He LOVES me, He's WITH me.

all that to say it's been hard the last few weeks. i don't know what to make of it and can't draw some kind of conclusion. it's all a jumbled mess in my heart.

God is good. i'm in pain. i love Jesus. that's about all i got these days.

this is how much God likes me

2010-06-09T14:09:00.003-04:00

it seems that on my worst days, God goes out of His way to
encourage me. He is just amazing like that. even though i know that
discouragement means i am not seeing through the eyes of faith, He
does not reprimand me. instead, in payment for my wavering heart, He
does the sweetest things to encourage me. it's because He is the great High Priest, able to sympathize with our weakness, for He was one of us.

one such incident happened a few weeks ago on a day when everything that had gone wrong climaxed. i was completely miserable and very weary in heart because of many
problems that had arisen, burdens of responsibility that i felt, and
suffering that i had seen. there's only so many malnourished babies
and only so much of people coming to your door saying they have no money and "please
take in our children" that i can take, and at this point i was worn
out. on this particular day, i also found out that my method of communication - direct, straight forward, to-the-point - was hurting some of the staff, as the communication style here is pretty much the opposite. i was hurt and felt disliked when my intentions were pure and my love for the people, real. God knew and sympathized. as i was expressing all these troubles to a fellow missionary friend, my phone rings and it's one of our staff. it was Saturday and he called just to ask me how i was doing. he had never done this before and didn't know anything about the hurt i was feeling. it was so kind and i was touched. Jesus tended to my wounds in the most tender way.

another day a similar thing happened. it was Sunday and we had church that morning. it was a really dry service. that happens here sometimes, because the main stronghold in southern Sudan is the religious spirit. i was really disappointed and again, discouraged, because i didn't understand. i didn't understand why some services are so free and full of Holy Spirit that kids are crying, kneeling, prostrate before the Lord, and others are dry as a bone, where i feel like i am ramming my head against a concrete wall. it was like that this particular Sunday. i went out to town on my own that day to a favorite spot of mine and wrote to the Lord, expressing my frustration and confusion about His ways. that evening, one of our girls, Joyce (15, pictured), approached me and shared a vision she had had that morning, at that dry and dead service that i thought nothing good could come out of. she saw all the children standing under a green umbrella (Psalm 24) and bolts of lightning flashing all around. at first she thought it was the sunlight that was causing her to see this, so she turned to a shady place and saw the flashes of lightning again. the vision spoke of God's power being released in the place of rest in His presence. but it meant so much more to me than that. it was yet again Jesus cradling my heart, caring about my discouragements, nursing my wounds, and kindling the flame of encouragement and faith in my spirit.

declare and it shall be

2010-06-02T09:05:00.002-04:00

one of our elder boys, Safari (20), told me a testimony recently that highlights the power of speaking something forth. we have had minimal rain this rainy season, which is devastating to a nation that depends so much on subsistence agriculture. our kids have little garden plots on the compound and elsewhere. safari had planted potatoes and the crop was not producing because of the lack of water. he was really unhappy and discouraged. one night, as he's sitting around with other kids and mamas, the Holy Spirit comes on him and he says, "Tonight at 4am, it's going to rain, and it won't stop until 6am." everyone looked at him like, "ok..." well guess what? the rain began at exactly 4am and didn't stop until 6am that morning. one of the girls said to him the next day, "Wow, I'm afraid of you, Safari." and his crop is now prospering.

a testimony about Martin

2010-05-31T08:42:00.005-04:00

in january, we took in 3 children. (see earlier blog entitled "3 of our kids"). The middle boy, Martin, was very broken in the heart. He would fight with all the kids all the time, constantly pinching and slapping them for no reason, and then he would cry. I always saw him crying, his nose permanently snotty. It's no mystery, considering the pain of abandonment he's endured, that he would act out in this way, just angry at the world. he wouldn't take much, either, and i rarely saw him smile. over the last few months, the Lord has been healing him. Martin now fights much less, if ever, and i often see im engaging in friendly play with the other kids. i don't see him crying as often. he speaks a lot more as well. a few days ago, as i was sitting with children, out of nowhere he says "Is Jesus good?" and then "Is Jesus God?" i was so excited! i shared the Gospel with him, and when my Arabic ran out, i called an elder boy over to help translate. we hugged on him and told him Jesus is so so good and loves him.

God's presence resides at Iris. sure we have issues. there are conflicts, people don't always treat each other lovingly, kids don't always (rarely) play nice. but God IS here. from simply being at Iris, being in a place where Jesus is honored and lifted up, Martin's heart is being healed

how God speaks to our kids

2010-05-29T07:00:00.003-04:00

last night, the older kids and i gathered together to worship, like we do every Friday. i have taught them to sing from their hearts to Jesus, not known worship songs, but a love song from their heart, whatever comes out, to sing by the Spirit. we've had some great times with God doing this, where the Spirit has really come. we've had other times that were dry, and i could tell the religious spirit that oppresses this nation was cropping up. but even so, we keep going. last night, i felt the Lord's presence like a weighty cloud sitting on me. it's my most favorite feeling in the world. after we worshiped together for a while, i went around the room and asked the kids what the Lord spoke/showed them. i loved what they shared. Edward (18) saw Jesus holding his heart and embracing him. Kizito (23) felt a spirit of thanksgiving. He was remembering his life before Iris Ministries, before Jesus, and thought about how many children don't have food, clothes, education. He was so thankful that God chose him to receive these things. the Holy Spirit brought to Safari's (20) mind a time when he was tempted by the enemy to drink alcohol. it was a strong temptation and he was struggling to resist it. when he prayed, it went away instantly. this night, God showed him what happened in the spirit in that moment. He saw himself and Satan, and Jesus was standing in between, protecting him. Justin (25) was moved to pray for protection for our compound and our children.

i love that God speaks to our kids. i love that they know Him and know He is real and alive. i pray for increase, for enrapture with Jesus. i want them to be caught up for hours and day. i believe it can happen

no one is ever alone

2010-05-27T15:33:00.005-04:00

the book of 1 Peter speaks a lot about suffering. in 1 Peter 5:9, the apostle says to resist the enemy and remain steadfast in the faith, "knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world." being a missionary in Sudan, my tendency is to feel isolated because no one else i know is a missionary in Sudan, so how could anyone understand the challenges, hardships, and pains of daily life and ministry here? i have come to see that this is a lie of the enemy. he makes you believe no one else can relate and thereby traps you in the snare of isolation. in talking to my friends since i've been here, my eyes have been opened. i have seen that even though our lives are completely different, our struggles are surprisingly and uncannily similar. they are just blanketed in a different environment, a different life, a different calling. we all battle loneliness, to some extent, because all of us are strangers in the earth, pilgrims, longing for Home and being unsatisfied until we get there. we all struggle to trust God whole-heartedly, to believe He is who He says He is and His ways with us are completely good. we learn these lessons and experience these struggles in ways specific to our natures and our callings. God is a genius. He fashioned each person so uniquely and placed callings on their lives so specifically, and yet He is forming the same truths in us. we are all so unique but feel the same longings and pains, the same joys. it's because we are headed towards the same goal. we are pressing for the same prize of the same upward call...separately but together. He is forming the same Christ in all of us. there is one God and one Spirit residing in us. we are united by the thread of our common faith, our common Love.

when one suffers, not only is Jesus with him, but the brotherhood of the saints is with him too, for they endure the same things. no one is every alone.

weakness really does mean strength

2010-05-24T10:06:00.000-04:00

I had malaria last week...again. Similar kinds of symptoms – high fever, extreme bodily weakness, loss of appetite. But the medicine didn't kick in as fast this time, so I was immobile and couldn't eat food for 2 days. The kids came and prayed for me, the staff brought me juice. The sickness took a lot out of me and I was weak and exhausted after 4 days. When I finally was able to get out of bed, the kids would remark, “Oh Rina, you are so thin...” I was pretty emaciated.

Day 2 of this, as I'm lying motionless, I began to utter a prayer. It was spontaneous, and I knew it was the Lord. I prayed for our children and asked Holy Spirit to fall on them, to break every barrier, every religious wall that stands in the way of encounter. It was a short and lifeless prayer, I barely whispered it.

Day 4 I felt well enough to move about and keep a dinner appointment with a British missionary couple in town. I returned to the compound when evening worship had already ended. One of the girls, Onzima, visited me that night to check on me and reported how amazing worship that night was. The Holy Spirit fell, the whole compound was up singing and dancing. Even one of our watchmen (night security guards) was dancing in the circle, which has never happened before. I immediately thought back to my weak prayer. It was a token of God's response, a confirmation that in my absolute weakest moments (I have never been as physically weak as I was during this malaria bout), He moves through me.

when God's presence is just sweet...

2010-05-08T18:51:00.004-04:00

...but first, a bunny trail. i think it's hilarious that i can't log in to paypal, wachovia, and many other websites that i am not yet aware of on the Sudanese connection we get on compound. Sudan comes up as a sanctioned nation. i can't believe i live in a country that is internationally sanctioned online...that is crazy, in a funny way, to me.

ok, back to the road (bye bunnies)! one of the best times on compound is nightly prayers. it was the first thing i experienced when i came, and continues to be one of my favorites. it's something the kids began on their own. one of the older girls, Onzima, felt the Lord call her to do it and it's happened every night ever since. the kids love it. it's not forced or mandatory or official, which is why i think they love it so much. they feel free in it. after dinner, the kids will gather our drums and start playing. eventually more come, form a circle around the drummers, and dance around and around in African fashion. some more time passes, and one of the older girls joins as the worship leader. they're not picked beforehand, it's just whoever comes over whenever. African worship is call and response (how Gospel came about) where the worship leader sings a phrase and the rest respond by singing a new phrase or repeating the leader's words. the songs are very simple, and they often repeat the same sentence for 15 minutes. but they don't get tired of it, it's their style and their sound. so we go around and around for 45 minutes. at some point, we transition from fast songs to slow, and everyone stands still, kneels, and worships the Lord. finally, there's a time for prayer at the end, and all corporately cry out to the Lord.

tonight was beautiful. God's presence was just plain sweet. that's the best way i can describe it. it wasn't overwhelming power, laughter, tears. He was just there and everyone knew it. it was very dark out. i didn't realize the difference the stars and moon make in lighting the world until i came here. tonight there was no moon and the stars were covered by thick clouds. i couldn't see faces, but as i looked around, i could see children worshiping, hands raised to Jesus. the worship and prayer was so sincere, so from the heart. sometimes it's not. the religious spirit will rear its ugly, horrible head from time to time and everything will feel so mechanical. not tonight. the children's hearts were meeting with Jesus. i had my arm around Blessing on one side and Moriba and Asa on another (who would jab at each other a bit trying to win full possession of my one hand). i prayed for God to do among these kids what He did with H.A. Baker's kids in China in the early 1900s. ("Visions Beyond the Veil" is a must-read. it's about 100 pages and will take you an hour). they were beggar street kids who were reluctant to attend weekly chapel, until God came down. they were caught them up in visions of heaven, hell, angels, and the end of the age...for months. they wouldn't eat or sleep for days sometimes; all they wanted was to be with God. they accurately described the events in the Book of Revelation. 10-year olds would preach and prophesy on the streets with a voice that was not their own. i prayed this for our kids. "why not, Lord? these, too, are the poorest of the poor, the cast-asides...Your favorite ones."

i'm gonna believe for it and believe Him to do it. but for now, His presence was just plain sweet.

i'm exhausted, but this is not about that

2010-05-01T12:11:00.002-04:00

i am exhausted today. it's mostly because i woke up at 4am to talk to a dear friend on the phone, which is a great reason to be exhausted. it was a wonderful, encouraging, uplifting conversation, and i am so so grateful for her. i love how i can be miles away, with time zones and bad phone connections in between, but when i talk to my friends, it's like we haven't skipped a beat. praise the Lord who is the one who knits us together with His unbreakable thread.

i'm also exhausted because after i finished my morning time with Jesus (which, may i add, was very slack because i kept falling asleep), and was preparing to wash up and get my "to do" list done, one of our boys runs up and says "Alex can't walk. His entire leg is swollen and he's in a ton of pain." i had taken Alex to the clinic a few days ago and he'd been prescribed antibiotics for a small wound below his knee that had gotten badly infected. the antibiotics didn't work, and his leg was huge and there were lumps all over his calf.

this isn't a story about exhaustion, but about how Jesus comes to my rescue. i could not take Alex on the motorbike; he was in too much pain to straddle it. i had never driven our Land Rover before. even though i obviously know how to drive, trying to navigate this stick shift car with terrible breaks and the wheel on the right side on these terrible roads with 2-foot ditches and holes, not to mention people, goats, cattle, and bikes milling around in no apparent orderly fashion everywhere....this is truly a feat to be accomplished. but there was no one else to drive, and he had to be taken right then. i had no choice. i went into the house to grab the keys, stopped, and prayed. "Jesus, help." and He did. we got there and back safe and sound. Alex is gonna be just fine.

here, an incident can happen instantly, and i don't have time to think about how i don't know what to do or can't do it. i have to make a decision right there and then, and i have to act even though i don't have a clue what i'm doing/have never done it before, and trust that God is giving me the wisdom and ability to do it in that moment. today, i had no choice but to jump out of the boat and hope that Jesus would enable me to walk on the water. He did, and it was supernaturally amazing.

life and life more abundantly

2010-04-27T04:19:00.004-04:00

this week, i held a dead baby in my arms. it was one of the hardest days of my life. one of our house mamas (the baby's great aunt) had been in the hospital for days with the sick boy. two friends, wendy and jennie, and i were sitting outside on the road having a soda when we saw her on the way to the hospital that day. a few minutes later, we saw her pass again, this time running, screaming, wailing, looking completely crazed. a few feet behind her, the baby was being carried, wrapped up in a blanket. my friends and i stopped them in the street and began praying. after a few minutes, i took the baby, and we drove over to the family's home. a note on culture here...funerals are very dramatic ordeals here. the entire family gathers at the deceased's house and mourns for 5 days straight, 24/7. the Sudanese express grief by throwing themselves on the ground and rolling around, wailing, in the dust. it's very dramatic and emotional. so this is the scene that ensued when i emerged with the dead baby in my arms. it's like people momentarily lose their minds and something else takes over. the atmosphere was heavy, depressing. death is a way of life here. many have seen several people in their families die, and so have lost all strength to believe, to rise up, to overcome, according to what Christ has accomplished and promised. they don't fight it, nor do they think they can, as Christianity here is largely legalistic and full of death itself, influenced by experience and the pride of man. the pastor's exhortation at this funeral was completely unbiblical and one of the most heartbreaking things i've ever heard. he said, "death comes to us all. we eat of the bread of death every day..." wait a minute, i thought Jesus was the bread of life and came to give life abundantly...?

we brought the baby into the house and began praying, fully believing for a resurrection. but the atmosphere was seeped of all faith and hope. there was only despair. my friends and i were the only ones praying. everyone else was either wailing or staring at us. i was becoming so angry with the devil, for how he has stolen life and hope and joy from these people to the point that they accept it. the baby had the most serene look on his face; he was so beautiful.

an amazing thing happened as we prayed. wendy, jennie, and i worshiped and sang in the Spirit softly, and the people gathered became silent and still. this incredible peace and stillness descended upon us. wendy whispered to me, "this never happens at funerals". occasionally, new mourners would enter the room and begin wailing again, but as they remained there, they would also calm down and fall silent. i've never experienced the peace of God so tangibly. wendy had a vision of Jesus scooping the baby boy in His arms. we shared this with the family, as well as the hope we have in Christ. i walked out of the house and moved from person to person, praying for them. there was one woman who kept walking around very restlessly, shaking her hands and muttering something. i don't know if it was curses or she was simply losing it, but i went over to her and embraced her. she immediately calmed down and i felt her breathe easy. i prayed over her in Arabic - "Jesus will give you peace in your heart. The baby is in heaven with Jesus. All will be well."

i really wanted this boy to raise from the dead, but he didn't. the Lord's way is perfect. i was grateful for the supernatural peace God gave, and i hope the family recognized it as such presses in themselves to touch it.

feet

2010-04-20T08:29:00.003-04:00

i look at people's feet. i actually think feet are pretty gross, maybe that's why i notice them. there's a big difference between Sudanese feet and American feet. children as young as 2 already have hard soles. even when they have shoes, like our kids do, they don't like to wear them. by contrast, kids this age in the States have soft, smooth feet. adults' feet are permanently hardened and heels are cracked. elderly persons' feet are irreversibly cracked and wrinkled by a lifetime of exposure to intense sun. it seems like no matter how much they are washed, there's a permanent layer of irremovable dirt. i understand this, as i've only been here 3 months and my feet never seem to get totally clean no matter how hard i scrub. it's not washing habits, it's the constant dust and dirt and sun.

you can tell a lot about someone by looking at their feet. the Sudanese walk everywhere, the sun is hot, and the dust is ever-present. i think feet reveal a lot about culture, standard of living, and the life one has had to live. Sudanese feet speak of poverty, but also perseverance and hard work. you can see years of toil and persistence in the face of extreme struggle. you can see hope too. their feet are beautiful.

precious Monica

2010-04-18T07:53:00.002-04:00

every Saturday, pastor John Sebit, myself, and many of the children have been going to the local markets on outreach. we'll stand in the back of our huge truck, sing worship songs, and preach the Gospel. several weeks ago, an elderly woman came forward for prayer. her name is Monica, and she explained her suffering to us. she is sick and has no money for food or medicine. she lives alone. sometimes, her nephews come and force her to cook for them. she was asking for prayer saying, "please pray that Jesus would help me to die soon and in peace." she had no hope and no desire to live anymore. we prayed and she showed me where she lives. i told her i would come visit her. i could not get her out of my mind for the next few days and decided that we were going to help her.

the next week, Kizito, Justin, and i visited Monica. she told us that just the previous day, her nephew had hung himself, because his father (Monica's brother) had refused to pay the bride price on a certain woman this young man wanted to marry. her other nephew, upon whose property she resides, had been communicating that he wants to rent out this land and warning her that she needed to get out and find another place to live. she relayed to us the pain and fear in her heart, the permanence of their presence. i explained to her that we were going to help her financially and wanted to pray for her. we layed hands, i prayed and sang over her. afterward, she said she felt the heaviness leaving her.

we returned several days later to give her some money. the Lord did an amazing thing in that short interval. some of her family spoke to her nephew who had been threatening to kick her off of his property. they rebuked him for his behavior, reminding him that Monica had cared for him as for her own son. he was convicted by their words, came to her, and begged for forgiveness. he is no longer forcing her to leave. i was amazed at the Lord's goodness and speed of action. we prayed for her again. she asked us to please keep coming back, saying Jesus had sent us to her. she said every time we come and pray, she feels more and more of the fear break off.

to quote our ever-wise Abuba, "Surely, He takes care of the widows..."

Jesus loves children

2010-04-07T08:26:00.003-04:00

for the past few weeks, i've been driving over to the local primary school and preaching to the students. last year, some of our fiery girls asked the headmaster (principal) if they could have one class period for prayers, worship, and preaching. he was a Muslim but granted their request, and they ended up leading him to Jesus. sometime afterward, he passed away. truly, the Lord was merciful to him. this year, the new headmaster, a true loves of Jesus, permitted the program to continue and was excited about me coming every week to speak to the children. so every wednesday, we gather as many as want to come under the mango tree, worship, and I share a short message. the whole exploit is by no means orderly and organized. there's kids everywhere, talking, pushing each other, some climbing the tree, staring at me. it's kind of a chaotic mess :) i wonder if they are even hearing what i am saying or if they are just coming because i'm white and it's something new and fascinating for them. (most of them have not seen many, if any, white people in their lifetimes). often i feel that this is accomplishing nothing. but i feel the presence of the Lord during worship. i close my eyes and actually get lost in it, which is hard to do when 100 curious faces are staring at you. but it's that thick. last week, i distinctly felt the Lord's pleasure over me and these children. this week, the headmaster approached me and said he has seen a change in the children since we've been doing the meetings. he said they've started treating each other better, being more loving and kind to one another. this made my heart really glad. i realize that God is more powerful than distractions, short attention span, and religious legalism. His word does not return void. even if these kids catch 2 words of what i'm saying, He'll pierce their hearts with them, and these 2 words will bear fruit. i've always prayed that God would anoint my preaching, like He did the apostles' in the book of Acts. i would say to the Lord that if He doesn't put power on what i say, then i don't want to be saying it, because what i speak can't change anyone. God's doing it, in small ways, but i'll take it and be faithful with the little.

"...among whom you shine as lights in the world..."

2010-04-04T11:12:00.000-04:00

Philippians 3 talks about the position of the saints on the earth. it conveys that saints all throughout history have lived in the midst of crooked and perverse generations. it doesn't matter what time period or nation, we have been surrounded by darkness and witnessed the wickedness of the heart of man in ways varying throughout history. the Word affirms that in the midst of perverse generations, the Lord's people have always shone. the darkness has never been so powerful to snuff out the light of the saints. the gates of hell have yet to prevail. the greater the darkness, the more beautifully these lights have shone, and continue to shine.

we've got some phenomenal shining lights here in Sudan, whom i have had the honor to meet and get to know. i'm not exaggerating when i say i am truly humbled in the presence of these saints. whether it is due to the darkness that is so great in this land or the extraordinary amount of Holy Spirit that these people retain in their hearts, one thing is certain - i have never met people whose light so tangibly and visibly spills over and floods everywhere they step and everyone they touch.

Mama Regina (or Abuba, as everyone here calls her, meaning "grandma") is probably my favorite adult in Sudan. she's one of the mamas, caretakers, on our compound, and cares for all the toddlers. she's my best language teacher because she doesn't speak a word of English so i am forced to learn and improve my Arabic around her. she's illiterate. she has survived both wars and outlived her children and grandchildren. none of the sufferings of her life are written on her, at all. she's hilarious, always joking and cracking everyone up. her laugh is amazing, this deep, gutteral laugh that makes me laugh just hearing it. her employment at Iris is God's goodness in her life because she has no living family to care for her. her testimony is "surely, God cares for the widows." the kids absolutely adore her. they always gather at her house, sit by her fire in the evenings. she's constantly speaking identity over them. one of our teenage girls came to us pregnant with no where to go. she moved in with Abuba and has come alive since. she wants Abuba to name her baby (due very soon!) she truly knows the Lord, even though she's never read a word of the Bible. i adore her. even though we can't have deep conversations because of language limitations, i love sitting with her on her porch. it's like i'm drawn to her, and i know it's the Spirit. i look at her and an amazed. Abuba is one of the most beautiful people i've ever met, filled with the Spirit, radiating Christ.

another shining light is pastor John Sebit. he recently came on staff with Iris, but we've had a partnership with him for a while. he's an evangelist who has taken major bullets for Jesus (literally). getting saved at 30 years of age, he got crazy for Jesus and started preaching the Gospel on the front lines of the civil war conflict, to soldiers. i have yet to hear his stories. John is like my grandpa here. like Abuba, he's hilarious. he's always playing tricks on me, punching me in the arm, asking me to bring him candy. he speaks english very well and i love talking to Him about the Lord. the quality that characterizes him is faith. he's full of it. given what he's been through and the miracles he's seen, his faith is huge. he seems to always be calm and at peace; nothing moves him. we are doing outreach together to the markets every saturday, with some of the children. he's leading it and i'm preaching. i hope that by hanging out with him, some of his faith rubs off on me.

another person i've been struck by upon acquaintance is pastor Hector. he pastors a church in a village about 3 days' journey from here, called Chikudum, in East Equatoria. Iris partners with his work and supports him, and he came to our Leaders Prayer and Revival Conference last month. the story of how he came to partner with Iris is incredible. michele cried when she told me. his area of Sudan is plagued by cattle-raiding, tribes attacking one another for the acquisition of cattle (necessary for daughters' dowries). many children are orphaned as a result. during one such raid, 5 children were orphaned and Hector was determined to find them a home. he made the 5 day journey to Juba (the closest big city) to find an orphanage. the one he found was not God-centered; he could tell the children were not being loved and refused to leave these kids there. he prayed and the Lord said, "Go to Yei", where he found Michele and Iris Ministries. we took 2 of the children, the other 3 went to another orphanage. Michele was so moved by Hector's faith and love. she sent a letter with him to his church saying that we are standing with them. they were so grateful for the message that several months later, they came to Yei just to express their thanks. Hector's church has adopted 25 children; they are cared for in community, by the church families. this is exactly Iris' vision - to awaken the Church in Sudan to care for the orphan and widow, and Hector's small, poor church is doing it.

when i met Hector, i literally felt like i was in the presence of a hero. i almost cried shaking his hand. i just wanted to kneel and wash his feet. this one will never have a platform or a name, but boy is he great in the Kingdom. i think of Hebrews 11 and the Hall of Faith. his name is there. i bet his mansion in heaven will be massive, and i'll be honored to serve him coffee :)

the thread that unites these 3 saints is their faith and their joy. all of them have incredible, genuine, huge smiles. all of them trust God whole-heartedly. i know they get stressed and feel pain and sadness, of course. but they maintain a supernatural calmness and joy that i have never seen before.

in this nation of much poverty, corruption, pain, religious tradition and legalism, these 3 shine.

2010-03-29T08:25:00.003-04:00

two of our boys, Arikangelo (boy on left, that's his warrior face) and Amule (pronounced a-moo-lay, not "a mule" haha!), recently graduated secondary school and moved off the compound. they are attending the Yei Vocational Training College, training to be drivers/mechanics. it's great to see our kids "leaving the nest" and stepping out into the real world to make a life for themselves. i visited Arikangelo yesterday because we missionaries have a weekly Bible study that meets near the YVTC. i was so encouraged by our brief interaction because i saw how much the Lord had worked in his heart throughout his time at Iris. the college leadership asked him to preach at church the next Sunday, because they can see that he is a leader and a preacher. they also want to elect him as the Head Boy, which is the equivalent of class president in the U.S. but the heart-leap moment for me was when he told me his sermon topic. he wants to preach on fasting and call the students to fast every Friday for Sudan!! he asked me where the verse in Esther was about her calling the Jews to fast. Arikangelo really caught the vision and heart for fasting when i introduced it to the kids. from the first day he did it, he loved it. he felt strong, he felt grace, his heart was alive, and the Lord has answered his prayers and showed him His provision as he has fasted and prayed.

i'm so proud of Arikangelo, for how much he has grown in God. this is what it's all about, raising up and equipping people and them going out and doing the same. the Lord is spreading the message of prayer and fasting and He's using our kids - the least likely, the outcast. so like God...

3 of our kids

2010-03-25T04:54:00.004-04:00

one of my favorite things to do is play with our smallest kids in the morning. the compound is pretty quiet because most children are at school, only the toddlers remain. we have about 8, and they all laugh when i walk up and shout "Arfa ana!" - "Pick me up!" after a few rounds of picking each of them up and swinging them around, i'm pretty tired, so i'll sit down with them of just stand. they battle to hold my hands and i try to have enough fingers available for them all to hold. i'll usually have 2 kids on one side and 3 on the other. one little boy that is recently warming my heart is jackson. he, along with his brother and sister, are our most recent arrivals. their mother went crazy and abandoned the children. their father is a soldier and is away a lot. he had left them in the care of a friend with enough money for 6 months. he was gone for 2 years, and the children lived practically untended to in the army barracks. they came to us sick and sad. the friend who was supposed to have been taking care of them did not even know their names. the girl is about 12, and you can see that she has suffered much, probably all kinds of rape and abuse. she rarely smiles and is somewhat rough and hardened. you can see the affects of the cruel life they've lived on the older boy, about 8, as well. he's active and plays with the kids but will often hit and fight with the others for no reason. but the youngest, jackson (pictured), about 5, has somehow managed to come out of his harsh life unscathed. he is such a sweet and gentle boy. he's very calm and quiet most of the time.

yesterday, i picked him up and he just gently rested his head on my shoulder and smiled. i rubbed his back and he laughed. i thought i was going to melt. the Lord is truly cultivating a mother's heart in me. i'm believing that as these 3 children are at Iris in the presence of the Lord and His Spirit, He will fully restore them and heal their broken hearts, as He's done with so many others.

when nothing works....and then, when it does

2010-03-24T08:05:00.003-04:00

when nothing works....

i had a really rough week last week. first and worst of all, i got malaria. i had a 106 fever, my body ached, and my head throbbed. i would go from pouring cold water on myself (with clothes on) to shivering cold after the medicine would take effect. the fever combined with the heat outside and no breeze made for a pretty miserable state. after the malaria abated thanks to medicine, i had to contend with the most awful cold sores on my mouth that i have ever had (my body's reaction to the intense fevers). i could barely talk or eat.

other things fell apart as well. right when i came to Sudan, the visa requirements changed to $50 every month, instead of $50 every 3 months. this is a huge financial burden on the expats in the country, and some of them complained in Juba and immigration changed the requirements back to $50 for 3 months. i was very excited by this news, but apparently it had not reached Yei yet. i went to the airport and was denied a 3-month visa. they instructed me to go to the immigration office in town. i went that day and was denied the visa again. i had to concede to spending $50 for a 1-month visa and went to exchange my $100 bill at the local exchange place. i handed them the money and they denied me a good exchange rate because of a small red stamp on the bill. WHAT?!?!? i tried to maintain peace but just couldn't. i told them this was ridiculous and just walked away, having settled for the lower exchange rate. then another day that week, i walked for about an hour, in the heat, to reach an NGO that has a good internet connection so that i could email out my january-february update (still have not been able to send). it just so happens that that day, the internet was not working, for some reason, which has never happened to me before. i was about to cry.

and then, when it does...

this past sunday, jennie and i traveled to arua, uganda to do banking and get the Iris mail. we had to take public transport, which can be up to an 8-hour journey, what with getting stopped and hassled at road check points for no reason, border control stopping the vehicle for inquiry for hours, the 2 foot ditches and potholes on the road....you get the point. not to mention our vehicle was named "No hurry in Africa" (all the cars here have names stamped on the windshields). jennie and i laughed and said it was prophetic for our trip. but it took only 5.5 hours, and practically no trouble along the way. we stayed at an amazing hotel, paradise to me after living in difficult and meager conditions in one of the poorest places on earth. the hotel had american food and a swimming pool!!! all i had wanted for weeks was a burger, and they had it! the next day, we went to the bank to withdraw money and set up an account for me. a process that could have taken 4 hours (as it has in the past) took only 2, no trouble at all. we had lunch at an indian restaurant, another craving of mine. i charged my phone at a local cell phone shop, having been unable to do so for days because my charger was broken. when i didn't have small enough change to pay for the service, they let me go for free! this is unheard of around here, someone graciously giving a free service. i knew it was the Lord. then i ran into some friends unexpectedly at the hotel who had just arrived and whose driver was heading back to Yei that morning. the trip back took 3.5 hours, a miracle!

the stress of daily life is compounded here. the normal stresses that i am accustomed to in the States are exponentially magnified here. it's a whole new level of learning to walk in peace and maintain a state of resting in the Lord. i consider myself to be a pretty laid back person who's not stressed out easily. but here, i'm close to exploding every other day. there's always something going wrong, someone causing trouble, something falling apart. God is definitely going to take me deeper into the truth of entering the place of rest.

at the same time, there are those days when everything falls into place. when this happens, i feel His grace and mercy, how kind He is to me. i pray He keeps these days coming, but at the same time teaches me to walk in peace on the other (more frequent in occurrence) days.

our babies worshiping

2010-03-12T04:51:00.002-05:00

this is super cute. i caught the kids singing one of our worship songs here. the lyrics go "Sing glory glory, sing hallelujah. No turning back, no turning back." They think it goes "Sing lolly lolly, sing hallelujah...." it's so cute! when you hear the song change in the video, it's cuz they see our black truck called a "tipa" drive by and start singing about that. their names from right to left are: aba, ima, vicky, peter, daniel. vicky's got a porridge mustache too :)

God is my portion

2010-03-11T09:09:00.002-05:00

when it comes to the things of God, i have a zeal for authenticity. i resist hype, exaggeration, us trying to help God out because it seems like what He does in and of Himself is not "cool" enough, impressive enough, and doesn't make for a good enough story. as i am here in africa, i want to be real. i want to tell the truth - the good, the bad, and the ugly, the nitty gritty, if you will, the times when things work and they don't. many people think, as did i, that africa, or ministry among the poor in general = non stop salvation, healings, power of God coming down all the time. but it's not glory all the time. there are very real challenges, disappointments, times when nothing happens, no one gets healed, no one shows up. not that we settle for that. we don't focus on it or allow it to weigh us down. we always contend for fullness, for more. but i don't want to promote a false understanding or encourage a lie that we're just walking on water here and everyone is hungry and it's glory all the time. i don't want to only tell the glory stories. and i don't want to exaggerate what God does because i am undermining His power and His wisdom then, and thereby implying he's not right in the way that he chooses to move because it doesn't cause people to "ooohh and aaahh" and praise me.

i've had some Bible studies and prayer meetings recently that weren't all that great, let's put it that way. the kids were disengaged and looked bored. there just wasn't much on it. i know God is always there and always comes when we call, please understand i'm not questioning or denying this fact. but we all know that sometimes, the anointing is just not there or He doesn't show up as strong.

2 things i know. i am going to contend. i want to see the Acts 2 signs and wonders, especially people being convicted at the preaching of the Gospel (which, contrary to popular belief, does not happen automatically here.) i want to see the spirit of repentance fall and people hit the ground weeping as they rend their hearts. i also know that God is my portion. at the end of a day when everyone gets saved, people are healed, etc, i go to bed saying "This is not my portion, You are". and at the end of another day when no one gets saved and there's no anointing on anything, etc. you lie down and say the same thing. your identity is not what God does through you, but who you are - a son, a lover of Jesus. and so you're completely satisfied and content no matter what happens, or doesn't. this is what i'm learning.

more on fasting...[smile]

2010-02-28T04:26:00.004-05:00

i forgot to tell the craziest thing from that Bible study. one of the verses i cited was Matthew 17:21 that says "But this one can come out by nothing but prayer and fasting," referencing the epileptic boy that Jesus' disciples were unable to heal. i ask the kids to turn to this verse and it's not in the Bibles. there were probably 4 different Bibles present (different translations and manufacturers) and none of them had this verse in them, except mine and jennie's Bible (different from one another). their Bibles ended on verse 20 and jumped right to verse 22. it's like someone purposely and blatantly erased this verse. it was so weird.

today i preached at our church for the first time! i was a little nervous, but overcame it quickly. the atmosphere is very unintimidating as it is a bunch of children (which is what i love about it). guess what i preached on?......FASTING! it's just been on my heart so strong and it's the only impression i got from the Lord when i asked to preach. i essentially related what i had taught in the Bible study, specifically the story of Esther and how fasting saved a nation. i said God will do the same thing in Sudan - He will save our nation as we fast and cry out. i called them all to join in the Friday fasting. the response was great, a lot of "amens". but the most exuberant outcry came when i said that the older ones will fast all day until breakfast but the younger ones could fast until supper that night. they really cheered then! two of the 3-year olds coming up to me afterwards saying "Fasting fasting". it was so cute! i told them they were a little too young, but it warmed my heart so much, and it showed that in spite of their short attention spam and antsy-ness during service, they really are hearing the Word.

the crazy thing is, today is the last day of Purim according to the Jewish calendar! i had no idea when i preached this message. God is truly speaking to the Church in Sudan about fasting, that this is the key to revival and salvation in Sudan.

you are welcome to join us if you like :)

fasting stories

2010-02-26T05:53:00.002-05:00

this is a big year for Sudan. we are having elections in April, the first free elections in decades. next January, the Comprehensive Peace Agreement (CPA) erected in 2005 which ended the 20+ year civil wars between the North and South comes to an end, and a referendum will be held to decide whether southern Sudan becomes its own nation. there are many concerns and issues on the table, and it could potentially be a very tense and unstable time.

last Saturday, i taught a Bible study about fasting to about 12 of our older guys and girls (15-25 year olds). God's Spirit was very present. i called all of them to commit to fasting one day per week - for themselves, for intimacy, for their country. there were some questions and some doubt as to whether one could actually fast for 24 hours without dying, which i assured them they could, that they would be weak, but this was the point - to be weak so that God's presence can be stronger. i said that God is raising up a prayer and fasting movement of youth in Sudan, and spoke into them that they are the leaders on this compound and of the Church today. if they do this, the rest will follow, and they will lead the Church in it. the response was an excited and exuberant "yes!" and we chose Fridays as our weekly fasting day.

that Friday, we held our first weekend-long conference (to be written about in a later blog). throughout the morning i was asking around to see whether they were actually fasting. every single one who attended that Bible study was fasting. the overwhelming response to "how is it going? how do you feel?" was "i feel strong. i don't even feel hungry. it's great!" the lunch that day was particularly good too, and none of them ate it. my heart was glad. but it got better. after the afternoon conference session, i walk out of the building on my way back to the compound and see about 10 of our younger kids (10-14 year olds) sitting in the shade with water bottles. i ask them what they're doing, and they say their all fasting and staying far away from the kitchen to not be tempted by the food. my eyes widened and mouth dropped. i hadn't called them to it or even talked to them about fasting every Friday, but they found out and jumped on board. as it turns out, about 30 of our kids fasted that day. our cook came up to jennie and said "what's going on, why is no one eating lunch?" i found out little 4-year old Peter refused his porridge that morning saying he was fasting and ate nothing until noon. my heart was leaping for joy. they kept telling me that they felt strong and God was giving so much grace. they loved it. the next morning, the completion of the fast, i awoke to the boys singing worship songs. jennie (in the bunk above me) says "irina, i have never heard the boys sing in the morning. the girls always do it, but i've never heard the boys." one of them exclaimed "praise God i'm alive!" it was hilarious and so precious and pure. one testified this week that God already answered his fasting and gave him that which he was asking for.

i was overwhelmed by the kids' hunger, faith, perseverance, and love for Jesus. this experience showed me that i don't have to do much. i just have to make the call, hold the Bible study, organize the prayer meeting, essentially say "let's do this" and God will breathe on it. we had a prayer meeting at 5:30pm on the fasting day, to pray for Sudan and for one another. it was so beautiful to see their little hearts crying out for their nation. in the midst of political turmoil and uncertain futures, God will hear these children and respond. the earthly powers-that-be and their strategies are but dust, and our war is not against them anyway. these children, cast off by society and deemed insignificant, are wielding the true weapons of warfare. they are the ones seated with Christ, and they hold true power. the Kingdom belongs to such as these.

things that make me laugh

2010-02-12T03:08:00.003-05:00

here is a sample of Sudanese worship music, 2 of my favorite (hilarious) songs:

1 - "Shake shake shake shake the devil off" (repeat forever)

2 - "Your boyfriend can let you down
Your girlfriend can let you down
The men of this world can let you down but Jesus never fails" (this one cracks me up!)

also, the very small children never wear underwear or diapers (these are practically unheard of) and rarely wear pants, skirts, or really any type of clothing below the waist. twice now when i've held 2 of them on my lap, they've pooped on me, or just wiped themselves on me from previous poops. hahaha! i love the mission field...

travels and impressions

2010-02-09T02:15:00.001-05:00

This week I traveled to a village called Panyana with a couple named John and Poppy Spens, fellow missionaries in Yei with the Anglican church from the UK…whom I love. They are a whacky, hilarious couple who have a beautiful marriage and relationship. (Interjection: we have a Bible study every Sunday at their house for all the missionaries in the area. There are quite a few, about 20, I was surprised. I thought I’d be the only one, along with the other Iris folk, but there’s a great community here. My absolute favorite part about it is that there are several denominations represented, but I have no clue how many is because no one talks about it. No one cares. All that matters is that we all love Jesus. Right now we are going through the book of Ephesians verse by verse. This past Sunday, I led the discussion of Eph. 2:1-10, it was so great. It’s a true picture of the Body of Christ being one. The mission field and the difficulty of the living and working here, the warfare, truly brings the church together. I guess you stop caring about theological and doctrinal differences and just support and love one another). The drive was 2 hours along very bumpy, dusty roads, but fun :). We were there to help with a week-long youth conference. We walked in to joyous African worship, lots of dancing and shouting. That day we hiked up to the mountain there. The view was beautiful and it started to rain!! This is super rare at this time in Sudan, so it is a huge blessing, even though I was freezing (which is better than being sweating hot to the point of wanting to pass out). We worshiped in the rain, under a really flimsy tarp, but Jesus loved it! The next day Poppy and I spoke to the girls (about 40 of them) about, get this….fashion!!! Hahaha! As if I am any authority on this topic…some of you know how I dressed in college  Poppy is the same way, she thought it was hilarious. We ended up speaking about modesty in dress and not causing our brothers to stumble, and prayed for some of the girls at the end.

John spoke to the men about the marriage relationship and how to treat wives/women. This topic of men and women, right Biblical relationship, marriage, has come up pretty much every day this week. My eyes have been opened anew to the oppression and terrible treatment of women here. Some of the questions the youth asked were very difficult and point to how drastically different this culture is, but how we must maintain the Biblical standard even if it confronts the whole of society. One was “What if a husband and wife can’t have children? Can the man go and seek another wife?” Because infertility is always the woman’s fault. The answer was no, of course, but this is challenging here because children are a valuable possession (not that they are always treated well, but they are a measurement of one’s success). Another question was “I am a Christian now and have repented, but I have 2 wives from pre-Christian days. What do I do?” We didn’t know the answer to this one, because if he chooses one the other will be out on the street, and how can he choose one? Beating of wives was also addressed, a very common practice here. One the drive back, I noticed mostly women on the roads carrying various loads on their heads – water, straw, bananas. Now I recently tried to place a standard water jug on my head. I swear I thought it was gonna crush my skull. The thing must have weighed 50 lbs. Beira, who was helping me, was laughing and said “African women are stronger than men.” I witnessed the truth of this statement on the drive back, as these women carried these heavy loads. John and Poppy told me they walk back and forth between watering holes and markets for miles every day – to wash clothes, fetch water, sell/buy wares. Essentially, the women do everything – cooking, cleaning, raising children. Often times the men are jobless, so they just sit around because all this is “women’s work”. On top of that, like I said, they are often beaten. Then I got back to the compound and one of the girls told me about an altercation she had with one of the guys about this topic. He was saying men are better than women, because Eve was the reason for sin and Adam was created first. I don’t know if he had been joking or not. He’s a wonderful guy who loves Jesus a lot, but the fact that he could think like this again points to how deep-rooted this mindset is in this culture that it permeates even true God-loving people. She had been upset and I was like, “That’s it, we’re doing a Bible study on this!” Then I’m sitting at breakfast with some of the male staff and we’re talking about malaria (rampant here, everyone’s had it multiple times). The female mosquito carries malaria, and a comment is made “See, women cause trouble!” And they went into how women in positions of authority are so much harsher than men in the same positions. We mostly laughed about it and took it lightly, but I made sure to express the fact that anyone without Jesus is not going to act righteously (I mean look at the presidents of Sudan and the war that had raged for decades) and both men and women have weaknesses and strengths. Yesterday night we did the Bible study with the older kids (I say kids, but some of them are my age), and it was great, I think the best Bible study thus far. It went for about 2 hours, there were many questions and all were attentive. I taught how men and women were equal, how both were at fault in the Fall, and the Biblical marriage relationship/roles of husband and wife (Eph 5). I spoke about the importance of choosing wisely whom you marry, with a lot of prayer and observation of the person’s character, not hastily. We talked very openly and candidly, which was refreshing. The kids want to do another Bible study on this topic, wanting to learn what it means for a man to lead his family, what he must do, etc. I think there was breakthrough, and I am very confident that they will be wonderful husbands and wives.

In light of these issues of female oppression here, I’m starting to get a real heart for the women here, especially our girls. I can see that because of the culture’s treatment of and perception of women as slaves and property, even those who know Jesus are under the yoke of this mindset. They are not confident like the boys are. It is mostly the boys who talk in Bible study, and it’s like pulling teeth trying to get the girls to talk. When I speak to them, a lot of them won’t look me in the eyes. They carry a lot of shame and insecurity. I want to tackle this head on and speak over them their beauty, identity, and purpose. I’m gonna be doing a Bible study with the girls separately and hitting on these things.

Thanks to all of you for reading my blog and praying for me, it means a lot to me :)

[can't think of a title...it's too hot]

2010-02-02T14:22:00.001-05:00

Today makes 2 weeks in Sudan. I am learning to rest in God. As I said in my previous post, Michele is currently traveling in the States, therefore I do not have a concrete job here yet. So it's been a lot of nothing to do. This is hard for someone like me, who lives for impact and wants to be spent in this life for the sake of souls and the increase of the Kingdom. My motto is “I will rest in heaven.” God is confronting this mindset. I am not a worker but a lover. My primary identity is not that of missionary or minister, but daughter of God. So I know God is in this. He wants me to just relax, enjoy getting to know the children and spending time with them, even though I often feel like nothing is being accomplished through me doing this. I am bombarded with “But there are so many who need Jesus, so many sick and dying, bound....” Here's that Messiah complex rearing its head. I have to shut these thoughts down and understand that I am truly in His will, exactly where I need to be, and He will make a way for all things.

I went to the hospital the other day with one of the older Iris boys, Edward. It was about a 30 minute walk, but the most grueling 30 minutes ever. The heat here is unbelievable. During the hottest part of the day, in the sun, it's about 105 degrees, and not a cloud in the sky. Even though these are the winter months, they are the hottest because it's the dry season. (When the rains come during the summer months, it cools down). We got there and went to the sick children's ward. The hospital was pretty dilapidated and unsanitary – there was a stray cat lying in the entrance to the kids' ward – but not as bad as I expected. Here in Africa, they let you just walk in, pray, preach, sing...whatever. There aren't the strict rules about visitation rights and privacy we have in the States. So we walk over to the moms sitting with their sick kids and ask to pray for them. There's a general aura of despair in the room, you can see it on the women's faces. Most of the kids have fevers, diarrhea, various symptoms the causes of which are unknown. We would pray for the children and I would ask the moms if they knew Jesus. Most said yes, although some of them may not truly be saved (Christianity is a culture here in southern Sudan where “everyone is saved”). We would pray for the moms as well. Then we walked back, and I pretty much collapsed when I got back to the compound. I have to say the whole thing was just plain hard. Maybe some of those kids will be healed in the next few days, but I did not see any immediate changes when we prayed. I've prayed for lots of sick people and have seen very few actually get healed. I believe God's will is to heal and He wants to use us to do it. Jesus said “Heal the sick,” not “Pray for the sick.” I'm still waiting for this to be true in my life; I'm not sure why God delays or why He doesn't heal everyone we pray for, so I'm a bit discouraged, but I'm not going to stop praying for the sick. Edward leads the small Iris children in a daily devotional, where he has them memorize Scripture. Even the little 3-year olds know John 3:16, 14:6, 3:3, Jeremiah 29:11, and several others by heart. I'm gonna record one of the little girls reciting one of these days, it's the sweetest, most precious thing. Anyways, the kids keep asking him “When are we going to go to the hospital to pray for the sick?” They're getting it – they know who Jesus is and they know who they are in Him. This is totally my heart – to equip and release children in signs and wonders. So I'm gonna work on some schedule/transportation plan to take teams of these kids to the hospital regularly.

A few days ago, Holy Spirit broke out in our kitchen while some of the girls were cooking. They all stopped cooking and started dancing, singing, praising God, for a solid 1.5 hours. Super way delayed, but it was so much fun. Everyone was dancing full force, clothes drenched in sweat by the end of it. It was just the spontaneous rejoicing in Jesus, laughter...so beautiful.

I've got 2 more stories to share. Edward (18) my hospital accomplice, spent several years in a refugee camp during the war. His parents both died from sickness. After the war, he went to live with a step-uncle in Yei who was an alcoholic and drank all the money away. He survived on coconut for one year. He was miserable, hopeless, living in sin, having grown up in a “Christian” family..and then Iris Min took him in and he met Jesus, for real. He was telling me how much suffering he has been through in his life, and that God spoke to him on Friday “The time of suffering is over” and he rejoiced. This kid carried such peace and humility, and his smile is contagious.

There's Tito, an older man and the compound manager. He spent 20 years in a refugee camp. He said there was no work, no school, just plain nothing to do...for 20 years.

Being here is producing a true cry in me of “Come Lord Jesus, return to us.” This world is empty and poor, and Jesus is changing lives today for sure, but there will not be full restoration and an end to all pain until He comes back to us. I long for no more tears, no more sorrow, no more crying, no more pain. Until that day, I am going to set my mind on things above and storm the gates of hell with this Kingdom that is in me.

it feels good to be in Africa

2010-01-28T03:08:00.003-05:00

From the moment I touched land in Uganda on my long (4-day) journey to Sudan, I felt good. I flew Kansas City – San Francisco – Dubai (where I spent 12 hours) – Entebbe (2 days in a hotel because 1 airline flies to Yei, Sudan and only 3 days/week) – Yei. It was a tiring journey, but I knew it would be. There was a lot of favor with baggage, and no troubles along the way...save a marriage proposal from a Muslim man, in full garb, in Dubai. It was comical, and annoying...I just told him Jesus loved Him. I was excited and nervous the whole way here. I was taking a massive leap – moving to a foreign land, where I knew no one and nothing, but I had a solid assurance that this was God. I have now been here one week, and it feels a lot longer than that, but at the same time not longer at all. Some of the kids are teaching me the language, which is Juba Arabic (a simple Arabic spoken in south Sudan). The older children and adults who've received schooling know English, but the younger ones and many adults do not. I know a few phrases, some verbs, and can form simple sentences, but I understand very little when spoke to. They keep telling me not to be discouraged, that I will learn in a few months. The Iris Ministries compound is beautiful. It is a 40-acre piece of property on the edge of the town of Yei...a huge field, basically. Most of it is yet to be developed. The children all live in small houses, about 12 to a house (we currently have 90 kids). There's a kitchen, an office, a well, and a primary school.

I love it here. It has been a struggle, too. Michele (director) is traveling in the States until the beginning of February, so I don't have an official job as of yet. This means I don't have anything really to do all day. This is hard for someone like me, who likes to be put to work and feel useful. But it's given me the opportunity to spend time with the children, to get to know them and talk to them. Many of the younger kids are a little afraid/shy around me. I'm still a stranger to them, and they haven't seen many white people in their day. Some of them will come up to me and poke at my skin, wide-eyed.

The kids' stories are incredible, revealing how cruel the world can be and how beautiful and powerful Jesus is. Many of them do not know their age, and most (if not all) have no idea on what month they were born. Let me introduce my friend Kafi. He is 26 and still in school because the war disrupted all education. He was born into a devout Muslim family, 8 siblings, all of whom are Muslim to this day. His father died when he was young of sickness, his mother was taken as a slave to Khartoum during the war. she returned after several years, only to be beaten to death before his eyes. He met Jesus through a man who was doing outreaches in his area (Nuba Mountains) and returned with this man to Iris Ministries. He said he was so heartbroken, but when Jesus came, his heart was healed. He loves Jesus so much, and refused to deny Him when pressured by his family. He is one of the kindest people i have ever met, so gentle and meek. It is evidence that the Lord has truly met him and transformed his heart.

Then there's Safari, who had a dream when he was 5 years old of a man dressed in white robes. The dream was in English, which he did not speak at the time, so he couldn't understand it. God is funny the way He works sometimes. It was years later when someone explained the dream to him that he got saved.

There's Justin (25) who is Congolese and grew up in the midst of the war in Congo, fleeing to various bordering countries. He had a dream where Jesus came to him and asked him what he wanted; he said he wanted the war to end and to know God. He woke up surprised because in real life, he had no desire to know God and had even attended church disinterested. But this dream piqued his interest, and he gave his life to Jesus.

There's Pamela (14) who was abducted by the LRA, escaped, and lived outside with no food or shelter for days. Someone found her and brought her to Iris Ministries.

All the kids have stories like this, meeting Jesus either through dreams or divine appointments with people who God used to rescue them. I can so vividly see how much the Lord loves us through these kids and their stories. In spite of all they have been through, unimaginable pain, they know that they know that God is good and loves them. For He truly has healed their hearts; it's tangible to them.

My favorite part of the day is evening devotions. We gather in the center of the compound, under the open sky, with sticks and empty plastic water containers for instruments, and worship the Lord. The drumming is astonishingly rhythmic (it's in their blood) and the singing is beautiful, the smallest to the oldest lifting up a song of love to their Savior. After 20-30 minutes of worship, the group breaks out into prayer. Most of the children go to their knees, in the dirt, and cry out to God, for a solid 10 minutes.

I am learning the simplicity of faith here. The Bible means what it says - He comes to bind up the broken-hearted, to preach good news to the poor, to proclaim liberty to the captives. And He REALLY does it. The heart being set free is a real thing, it's not just something we Christians invent to make ourselves feel better, a crutch. if someone who has lost both parents, witness horrendous atrocities, can smile and laugh and rejoice and say God is good...He truly is able to reach into our hearts and heal us.

update from dubai

2010-01-15T01:18:00.001-05:00

well, i'm on my way! i'm in dubai international airport right now. it took about 15 hours to get here, and i've been here for 12 hours, ahhh! i'm pretty tired, and dirty, and still have a 2-day journey ahead of me before i land in Sudan. but i am spending 2 days in a hotel in a uganda, which will be more restful. i do just want to get there and get going. right now, i'm in the nervous stage because it's all so unknown. i don't know what it's like to be in Sudan, to work for Iris Ministries, i don't know the staff or their personalities, i don't even know what the mission base looks like. i'm having to trust God right now that there will be a place for me there, that i'll be a fit. i am preparing myself to encounter some culture shock, to miss the US and be sad, and to understand that this is all emotion and it will pass. i know i will need time to adjust. but there is nothing else i would rather be doing right now. i am so grateful to the Lord that i get to have this calling.

my friend said this to me in an email a while ago: "in this life we experience pain, suffering, sorrow, but this is not the place we LIVE in." i am learning to not live in the place of suffering. it's easy for me to get stuck there because of my familial situation, and the road i feel is marked out before me, but pain is NOT my portion. the struggle is NOT my portion. it is joy and Jesus. the Lord revealed to me some Father heart issues that i have over my time at home and back at ihop. i don't have an understanding of God as a good Father who loves to give good gifts. when i envision Him, i can't picture Him hurting when i am persecuted. i know He is with me, i can feel that, but i view it more as Him allowing the persecution and sitting with me, comforting me through it. but it actually hurts Him to see it, He hates when His children suffer. i don't comprehend this. so i've been praying for a revelation of the Father's love, and also asking for joy. as Jesus called us blessed to be persecuted, to suffer for His Name's sake, it means there's great joy available in this place, and i haven't been able to tap into it.

these are my prayer requests as i go to Sudan, knowing that there are real hard times ahead in ministry, but pressing in to understand the Father's heart for me, that NOTHING can separate me from Him love, and that neither good nor bad are my portion....JESUS is.

reflections - family and derek loux's passing

2010-01-02T03:06:00.003-05:00

well i haven't been here in some time, i don't know what to talk about. much has happened, not in the sense of events, but in the sense of thoughts, questions, lessons, challenges...home is tough. my eyes are always opened to something new when i visit - a new lesson from the Lord (usually revolving around humility, boldness, and loving those who persecute you), new brokenness in my family members' lives. but mostly i am flat out confused when i'm here. not "why is this happening to me"..that's easy - Jesus said the world would hate us because we're of Him; Paul called it the fellowship of His suffering (Phil 3); he says that it's been granted to us on behalf of Christ not only to believe in Him but also to suffer for His sake (Phil 1); Peter tells us to not be surprised when we're persecuted, as if something strange were happening, for that to this we were called, because Christ suffered for us and left us an example to follow in His steps (1 Peter 3, 4). i could go on and on, but the point is if you follow Jesus, those who don't are gonna hate you for it, and these ones happen to be my family. my confusion is how do i act, what do i do, when do i keep silent and when do i speak truth. i've wrestled with so much condemnation because i never know whether the way i behaved/what i said in the last moment was the right thing or not, and when i fail, i feel the fear that now they're never gonna get saved because i'm a poor witness of Jesus. God's bringing me to a place where i completely let go of all control (a big struggle for me), where i stop analyzing and over-analyzing every move i make and rest in the freedom that even if i do everything wrong, God is moving upon their hearts...because He wants them saved more than i do, and He doesn't need my help. i need to stop diminishing His power down to my abilities and see that He's a lot better at what He does than i am, and stronger than my weakest weakness. so i've said, "God, i don't know how You're gonna do this, but i commit them into Your hands, and trust Your ways."

another permanent contemplation of these past few weeks has been the death of a man who restored hope to me - Derek Loux. he was a leader at ihop and died in a car accident Dec 23, leaving behind a wife and 10 children (8 adopted). i'm not gonna go into all he was and did at ihop, but his main mark was pure and undefiled religion - caring for the orphan and challenging the Body to do the same. he preached a message of adoption and the Father's heart - our identity as sons and the calling upon the Church to adopt and help the orphan. he spoke at a conference we held at zhop in '08. i wept the whole time because i realized it was actually possible to be a missionary and adopt children (costs minimum $10,000 per child), to just be crazy and take them in one after the other, that if you say yes first then God brings the money in. he was living proof that God was raising up fathers and mothers after His heart. and then he just dies, in a seemingly senseless way. i couldn't/still can't understand why, when there are so few fathers and so few who say yes to this call of loving the orphan, God would raise one up and take Him away from us...and was it God who let him go, or did the enemy steal him from us. i can't understand why God would provide a father for 8 orphans only to leave them fatherless again. i can't understand why a man who was so influential in stirring the Church to adopt and had so much more stirring ahead of him would be snatched so tragically and suddenly. i grieve with the Loux family.

that's what i feel, here's what i know. Jesus is good. Jesus weeps with us over the earth's loss. His ways are just and true. the other theological questions we shouldn't even entertain because we're not gonna figure it out anyway. one day (soon) it will be clear. John 12:24 says "if a seed goes into the ground and dies, it bears much fruit", no matter the manner of death. God's gonna multiply Derek's life and use his death to cause thousands of fathers to arise and tens of thousands of orphans to be brought into the Kingdom. those 10 children he had are not fatherless, because through Derek they have come to know the Father Himself. they will never be orphans. and most importantly, there is a day in the ever so near future when He will dry every tear, and He gives abundant grace until that day.

please visit www.randybohlender.com for an excellent article putting to words the emotions surrounding this situation. also see www.josiahfund.org to read and donate to Derek's vision.

in conclusion, a lot has been reeling in my mind, a lot more than usual. even though i have many questions, i feel a strange clarity. not a clarity that comes in the form of answers, but a clarity that comes from the presence of Jesus, a clarity in the Spirit. i don't know what or why or how, but i feel His nearness, and so i have peace that it's all ok.

Former Muslim testifies @ IHOP - Amazing!

2009-12-11T21:36:00.001-05:00

Trailer of a documentary of the ministry I'll be working with in Sudan - beautiful!

2009-12-09T21:06:00.001-05:00

The white lady is Michele Perry, the director of Iris-Sudan

Irina's Top 10 Reading List

2009-12-08T17:35:00.002-05:00

(in no particular order)

1. "The Hidden Power of Prayer and Fasting" by Mahesh Chavda; this book opened my eyes to the power of fasting and spurred me on into this part of the Christian walk

2. "Visions Beyond the Veil" - by H.A. Baker; it will take you about 2 hours to read. the author was Rolland Baker's grandfather who operated an orphanage in China in the 1920s. these beggars and street kids, the "bad" ones of society, were profoundly visited by the Holy Spirit and experienced distinct and vivid vision of heaven, hell, angels, demons, sin, redemption, and the age to come. the impact was powerful transformation resulting in power evangelism, preaching of the gospel, and ministering in the power of the Holy Spirit on the streets. some of the children were as young as 5.

3. "Always Enough" - by Heidi and Rolland Baker; Rolland is H.A.'s grandson, and him and his wife continue in the spiritual heritage of his grandfather in Mozambique. coming to this nation in 1995, the Lord has released a mighty move of His Spirit through their ministry - 7,000 churches planted in Mozambique, 6,000 children adopted, and tens of mission bases planted in other nations. this book is about God's provision among the poorest children on earth. it wrecked me with the truth that God dwells among the lowly and brokenhearted.

4. "Rees Howells: Intercessor" - By Norman Grubb; a phenomenal biography about the power of intercession, and the reality that all God needs is one man/woman to say yes to Him to impact the earth for Him. reading it taught me that prayer is the most powerful tool we have and if we want to move mountains and be effective in expanding the Kingdom, we must become intercessors. this man's simple obedience to the Spirit in prayer not only ushered in salvations, but altered the course of entire nations in WWII.

5. "Seven Longings of the Human Heart" - by Mike Bickle; i must confess i have never read this one (those who know me well know i am infamous for recommending books i've never read, movies i'v never seen, and places i've never visited) but i hear it's good! it's about, well...7 longing of the human heart :)

6. "Listen to Me, Satan!" - Carlos Anacondia; one of the most amazing books on the deliverance ministry i've ever read. this guy led revivals in Argentina for years, an ordinary business man dramatically saved and anointed with power for deliverance, his ministry marked by his humility. his signature move was to get on stage and shout "Listen to Me Satan!!!" and people all over the stadium would begin manifesting demons, taken to deliverance tents where they received ministry for as long as 6-8 hours. some of the most incredible testimonies i've ever heard are found in this book, firsthand accounts from the mouths of those who were delivered.

7. "Extreme Devotion" - by various; a daily devotional from the Voice of the Martyrs (persecution.com), 365 accounts of martyrs and those who loved Jesus no matter what the cost throughout history. this book will wreck you with how worthy He is of everything and with the reality that when we truly count the cost and count all things a loss, we will find a joy and glory that surpasses anything we could experience otherwise. plus it will give you a burden to pray for the persecuted church.

8. "Tortured for Christ" - by Richard Wurmbrand; along the same lines, this man started the organization Voice of the Martyrs. he was in Roman communist prisons for 14 years for the gospel, his wife confined for 3 years. he experienced intense persecution, but tapped into a beautiful joy and presence of Jesus in that place of suffering.

9. "Humility" - by Andrew Murray; a classic, written in the 1800s, about humility as the path towards holiness. he offers profound insight into what humility is and is not, and about how it is the chief and foundational characteristic of who Jesus is pre-incarnation, as a man on earth, and now as God in heaven. i've felt tears well up in my eyes as i've been reading, feeling the reality of the beautiful humility of Jesus and His ministry, and it's created a deep longing in my heart for His humility, knowing that this is who He is, the meek and lowly One, and to be this is to be conformed to His likeness

10. "Peace Child" - by Don Richardson; a beautiful book about one man's zeal to reach an unreached, cannibalistic tribe of the Amazon rainforest who honored treachery and rewarded betrayal (in essence revering Judas as the hero in the story). it's remarkable how this man is able to preach to these people about Jesus. this book convinced me that God has placed the imprint of the Gospel story (God becoming a child and being offered by His Father as a sacrifice for sin) into every cultural group and tribe, no matter how wicked their culture and practices. the imprint of the Gospel is there, and missionaries must get to know the culture of those they minister to in order to find it and present the Gospel to them in the peoples' own context.

let me know if you read any of these :)

2 notes on Christ's humility

2009-11-17T16:52:00.002-05:00

we all know Jesus was, and still is, the most humble One in all of history. there are many facets to and evidences of His humility, but i think the 2 most profound ones are seen in the circumstances of His birth and death. the uncreated One chose come not only as a man, but as a baby, born of flesh, and not just any baby, but the child of a poor family, born inside an animal stable. there was no available lodging in the town, a prophetic indication that even before He was born, He was already rejected by men (Isaiah 53) and homeless. they had no room for Him, no desire for Him.

His death was by crucifixion, reserved for the worst of criminals. He joyfully died as one of them. nothing stood out about Him. think of it this way...He's hanging on a cross with 2 others, people are passing by and pondering, "oh there's another one, i wonder what he did - murder, theft...", for a moment, and then forgetting, not even thinking for one second that this One could be innocent. i mean really, why would He be crucified, then? there's humility. but it goes one step deeper. not only did He die in this way, He was completely ok with being perceived this way by these passers-by, and by many from that time until today. He didn't care that this is what they thought, that He'd be just one of many criminals in their minds, easily forgotten, and He did not and does not seek to defend Himself.....humility

WHEN you fast...

2009-11-15T16:30:00.002-05:00

in Matthew 6 in His sermon on the mount, Jesus talks about fasting in secret. His language of "when you fast" makes it clear that He's operating out of the assumption that we will fast, that we understand it's not an option. He does not say "if". the sermon on the mount is considered Christianity in a nutshell, the principles and practicals of what it means to follow Jesus. certainly they will take a lifetime to perfect, but nevertheless, this is the meat of Christianity. and if this is so, fasting should not be seen as something so radical. fasting is Christianity 101 and should be normal. in Mark 9, Jesus heals a boy of epilepsy by casting out a demon, and instructs His disciples when they are perplexed as to why they could not cast it out, "This kind can come out by nothing but prayer and fasting". in a book called "the power of prayer and fasting" by mahesh chavda (i highly recommend for all interested to learn about fasting, what it is and why it's so powerful), mahesh's journey into fasting begins when he works at a mental institution. one of the children he oversees is a 10-year old boy who has to be tied up in a straight jacket to prevent him from scratching and mutilating himself. clearly, a demon. Mahesh asks the Lord how to help this boy, and God gives Him this verse and tells him to go on a 10-day fast. Mahesh does, then goes to pray for the boy, says one sentence, and the boy flies back against the wall and the demon comes out. He takes off his straight jacket and is shocked by the fact that he has control over his body. this is one of many amazing testimonies from the power of fasting.

fasting must be a regular part of our Christian walk - 1-2 days a week, longer fasts of 3 days, 7, 10, 21 the big 40! we want to walk in power, have intimacy with Jesus, hear His voice clearly, etc...these come at a price. Salvation is free, but it will cost you everything you have - i love that paradox. fasting is one of the very effective tools He's given us to step into the things of His Spirit at a deeper level. it's not an end in and of itself, and we can't "get" God to do anything. No matter what we do, ultimately He's the one who has to sovereignly decide to move and pout our His Spirit. but He's given us principles and tools and instructions that he has said are effective and necessary for us. fasting is one of these.

i like to look at it this way too, if it helps. there is no fasting in heaven. when i get up there, i will feast on food 100 times better than anything on earth. why not go all out here and apply the tools He's given us to expand His Kingdom to the greatest possible measure on earth?

(comments please :) )

Holy Spirit's up to something!

2009-11-13T16:47:00.005-05:00

for the past 3 days, there's been an increased presence and manifestation of the Spirit at IHOP. Holy Spirit outbreaks started happening early in the week over the Forerunner School of Ministry students, but it broke out big this past wednesday night and they canceled FSM class to allow Him to move. the leadership here recognizes God is doing something and so the past 2 nights there have been meetings from 6pm to midnight of about 2,000 people (no parking or seats anywhere) where people have been getting physically and emotionally healed and delivered. God is emphasizing the Father's heart - healing wounds and restoring people's identities as sons of God - and also the spirit of self-hatred. many have been delivered and many physically healed. the meetings are being held in the FSM building, which seats more than the prayer room. But even in the the prayer room His presence has been thicker, more tangible. yesterday i walked in and there were people everywhere laying hands on one another, shouting, crying, shaking. today, during the 8am set, the team was singing a song whose chorus is "All glory, dominion, forever and ever," a song where the focus is on the throne room and the holiness of God. His presence came strong, it was like He was taking us up. we started to pray for healing at the end. then at the noon set, the team was singing about the birth of Christ out of Luke 1, where the angel speaks to Mary and says that she has found favor with God and will birth the Son and name Him Jesus. the music was very joyful and upbeat, there was a violinist playing so it sounded like Fiddler on the Roof. they sang a chorus, "rejoice, rejoice, rejoice, His Kingdom will have no end" and the room went nuts. everyone was dancing, clapping, it was so fun and very different from the normal prayer room atmosphere or intensity and sobriety. i love the different ways God shows up and moves upon His people - in weeping, repentance, holiness, laughter, joy, dancing. it's all Him and it's all beautiful!

IHOP will be streaming the 6pm (CST) meeting for free until Sunday night. from there, the leadership will discuss what to do and how to best steward what God is doing. who knows, this could go on for a while. if you wanna get it on it, here's the link

http://IHOP.org/watch

how i know God likes me

2009-11-10T19:07:00.001-05:00

....when i close my eyes, i can see the smile in His eyes. though i can't see Him i know that He's smiling :)

"edge of hell" outreaches

2009-11-06T21:09:00.002-05:00

every friday and saturday in October, IHOP's evangelism ministry does outreach at haunted houses downtown. apparently, kansas city is famous for its haunted houses - not the best thing to be famous for. whoever wants to come is welcome, i went last weekend both nights. there are 2 haunted houses in this one section of the city called "The Beast" and "The Edge of Hell" (I shudder at the names, especially the beast as this is one of the names for the anti-Christ). it was the creepiest section of any city i have ever seen. not scary like in a bad-part-of-town way, just creepy. all the stores and buildings looked abandoned and closed, there were these railroad tracks and this huge stone bridge and it all just looked creepy and spiritually dark. the lines at these haunted houses were huge, people waiting for 2 hours to get in in 40 degree cold. we went and stood in line with people and talked to them about Jesus, and would get out of line when done and go to the back and talk to a new group. it was probably the easiest evangelism i have ever done. i've always understood the connection between prayer and evangelism - that prayer makes evangelism more effective, really makes everything more effective. but for the first time it became very clear how having a house of prayer in a city impacts that city's spiritual climate and i understood why a house of prayer is necessary. ihop has been praying in kansas city for 25 years (the past 10 of which have been 24/7) and the spiritual climate of the city has really been altered to where people are much more open to the gospel. This is one of the things prayer does - it softens hearts to Jesus and prepares the heart to receive Him when He is preached. I evangelized for about 2 hours both nights and I have never experienced people being so genuinely interested in Jesus. People engaged me in conversation, asked questions, sincerely wanting to know the truth and understand, not just for purpose of debate. Several people were getting convicted of their sin and the words I spoke about the love of Christ were hitting their hearts, I could see it in their eyes and countenances. 2 people actually thanked me for talking to them! that is very rare. i found myself able to be very truthful and honest - how Jesus is the only way, heaven and hell are real, and the cost of following Christ. And people actually received it! There were only 2 groups of people that got mad and were volatile, and we just blessed them. Most of my times evangelizing, it has been 2 people that have been open and the rest angry and belligerent.

it makes a lot of sense now why there must be continual prayer and worship in every city on the earth. if this is the fruit of 25 years of prayer in kansas city, give it another 10 years, and believers will be able to preach the simple gospel in the streets and people will be convicted and repent and mourn for their sins on the spot. this is the explosion of power and anointing that is coming upon the end-time church, the Holy Spirit outpouring that we're all waiting for, the Great Harvest. and it is birthed out of night and day prayer.

psalm 22 - following the Lamb

2009-11-03T21:12:00.002-05:00

i was reading psalm 22, it's one of the many psalms that clearly prophesies the Christ and undeniably portrays Him. it's the psalm that Jesus quotes the first 2 verses of on the cross - "My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?" Verses 6-8 hit me hard today:

"But I am a worm, and no man;
a reproach of men, and despised by
the people.
All those who see Me ridicule Me;
They shoot out the lip, the shake the
head, saying,
'He trusted in the Lord, let Him
rescue Him;
Let Him deliver Him, since He
delights in Him!'"

This is Jesus speaking. This is how He felt, the beloved of Son of God, so glorious and beautiful, felt like a worm, ridiculed, ridiculous. He did not have to feel this way; He could have stayed in heaven and been worshiped as He deserves to be, but He chose to put on flesh and be treated as less-than-human, looked upon as crazy, a criminal. Wow, if you really meditate on this passage and visualize all this, it takes Christ's humility to a whole new level.

If this is what the Son of God went through for us, why are we so hesitant and resistant to going through the same for Him? What's more, why do we expect otherwise in our own lives and are surprised, even offended at God, when we suffer? Peter said "Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you [speaking of persecution],...but rejoice to the extent that you partake of Christ's sufferings.." (1 Peter 4:12-13). Jesus Himself said, "In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world" (John 16:33). Will we follow the Lamb and do as He did, look as He looked...?

loving God in tragedy

2009-10-24T15:25:00.002-04:00

A friend of mine emailed this little story a while ago. I wept when I first read it. It's about the devotion of Sudanese women to Jesus in the midst of horrible, unimaginable suffering:

Baroness Caroline Cox has been described as "the Mother Teresa of the war-torn poor." A nurse, scientist, and deputy speaker of Britain's House of Lords, she has, to many of the world's helpless, become "love in action" in human form and a powerful voice on behalf of the forgotten.

When asked to relate both her worst moment and her best during all her journeys of mercy. The worst was entering a Dinka village after Sudanese government-backed soldiers had left, laden with human loot.

The stench of death was overpowering. More than a hundred corpses lay where they had been savagely butchered. Men, women, children, even cattle, had been cut down or herded into captivity to be carried north as slaves. Straw huts were ablaze, crops had been razed, and devastation and death confronted the eyes everywhere. Worst of all was the knowledge that the militia would return with their gunships and rifles, and the area's villages would once again lie naked before the ferocity and bloodlust of the Muslim fundamentalists form the North. "Genocide is an overworked word," Lady Cox said, "and one I never use without meaning it. But I mean it."

And her best moment? It came, she said, right after the worst. With the raiders gone and the results of their cruelty all around, the few women still alive - husbands slain, children kidnapped into slavery, homes ruined, and they themselves brutally raped - were pulling themselves together. Their first instinctive act was to make tiny crosses out of sticks lying on the ground and to push them into the earth.

What were they doing? Fashioning instant memorials to those they had lost? No, Lady Cox explained. The crudely formed crosses were not grave markers, but symbols. The rossed sticks, pressed into the ground at the moment when their bodies reeled and their hearts bled, were acts of faith. As followers of Jesus of Nazareth in the Horn of Africa, they served a God whom they believed knew pain as they knew pain. Blinded by pain and grief themselves, horribly aware that the world would neither know nor care about their plight, they still staked their lives on the conviction that there was one who knew and cared. They were not alone.

intercession = crucifixion

2009-10-22T20:07:00.001-04:00

first of all, i made it to ihop, kansas city! and i love it. the prayer room is amazing. i strongly encourage everyone to come here for a season, whether it be a month or 2 years. it's incredible what spending hours a day in focused prayer will do for your heart.

i was in the prayer room during intercession today, and the worship team was singing a song that goes, "Great Intercessor, always living to intercede. Why are You crying, heavily sighing, share Your heart with me." i got the revelation that intercession crucifixion go hand in hand. Intercession is the act of laying down your life, being crucified and dying. The ultimate intercession was Jesus hanging between heaven and earth, reconciling the 2 worlds. His plea "Father, I desire that they would be with Me where I am" cost Him His life, a price He was glad to pay. And so, when He tells us to take up our cross, part of what this means is to become an intercessor and partner with Him in His act of intercession. To lay down our burdens and take up His IS to tarry with Him, as even now He is our Great High Priest ever living to intercede (Hebrews 7). Prayer is the act of reconciling men to God, as Jesus did on the cross. So when we pray, we are entering into His burden and becoming crucified with Christ - dying to ourselves, our ambitions, and caring about another...stretching out our hands to heaven and saying "God, save their soul."

spirit of criticism

2009-10-16T21:42:00.002-04:00

when i first came to the house of prayer, God sternly convicted me about the spirit of criticism. i realized how judgmental i am, critical, easily perceiving fault in others and viewing them through the lens of their weaknesses and issues versus through the eyes of Jesus. i realized how i do not bridle my tongue, and the tongue is a small member but steers the whole body, and is set on fire by hell (James 3), so it is so important to learn to restrain yourself, to not speak evil, complain, speak negatively. this pollutes your heart and clouds your discernment. since this initial realization, i've been fighting against this spirit and wrestling to get this criticism out of me. i've asked God to purify my heart, to convict me the moment i think/say a critical thought/word, to give me His heart and help me see through His eyes. God truly is able to change our hearts, because i have noticed my heart slowly transforming, where i am truly beginning to see people as Jesus sees them - with all their issues, He says they're lovely. as i've been awakened to my own critical spirit, i've become sensitive to it and aware of it around me. i've realized how much of our conversation (i'm talking about Christians talking to Christians) is completely unedifying to the Body and saturated with criticism and disdain. how we criticize this church or that church, point out the flaws in this person, pick that person apart. this is what the Bible calls "evil speaking". if we are the Body of Christ, and each person a different member, then doing this is liken to me taking a knife and just slashing my leg or my arm constantly, or gouging my eye out. graphic, i know, but that's the truth. i would never do that to my body. so why do we as His Body do that to ourselves? anything you say that does not build the Body does not contribute to the increase of His Kingdom. it hinders it, slows it down, even tears it down and destroys the work of God among us.

someone at IHOP (i forget who now) had an encounter in the spirit where they went to heaven and met Enoch, the man who walked with God and was not, for God took him (Genesis 5:24). this person asked Enoch, "How do you walk so near to God that you don't die, you just get taken away?" Enoch's response is so riveting and convicting that it doesn't matter if you don't believe this happened, you can't deny the validity of his statement. Enoch said, "When you learn to not hurt people with your words or with your thoughts, you will walk in God's presence." WHOA! That is one of the most simple yet profound statements i have ever heard, and i think about it every day.

God sees people through the blood of the Son, that means fully cleansed, 100% pure. not to say that He doesn't see their faults and weaknesses. He knows these better than anyone, and is constantly putting men through fire and discipline to purify them. but when He sees the faults, He says, "That's not who you are. All fair you are my darling; there is no flaw in you" (Song of Songs 4:7). this is how He views EVERY believer. no matter what you think about the church next door, THIS is how Jesus views that church. and this is what it means to see through His eyes. if you don't see other Christians, churches, ministries in this way, you do not have His heart, and you do not see as He sees. (of course there's a place for correction and rebuke, i'm not talking about that. i'm talking about criticism). back to Enoch's statement - we want God's presence, to be near Him, but there is a huge role we play in this reality. we decide how close we want to be, and a big part of this is having a pure heart. and a big part of having a pure heart is taking very practical steps to loving people: When you think a negative thought...#1) don't say it, #2) repent for it and ask God to change your heart, #3) purposely and verbally say 3 positive things about that person, #4) thank God for that person/church. that's the essence of it.

this is what God is doing in me, wanted to share with everyone and hopefully inspire :)

Jesus WEEPS

2009-09-29T18:27:00.006-04:00

My friend sent me a text with this quote: "A Christian is someone who shares the sufferings of God in the world" (Dietrich Bonhoeffer). He was a German pastor under Hitler's regime and one of very few Christians who condemned the dictator's persecution of the Jews. He died in prison for attempting to assassinate Hitler, something he felt the Lord call him to and wrestled with as he was a pacifist and peacemaker. He eventually drew the analogy of a shooter walking into a classroom saying he was going to kill all the students. Wouldn't you as the teacher shoot the shooter? All that to say, Bonhoeffer knew what he was talking about in terms of suffering.

I love this quote because it indicates that God suffers. Jesus Christ is no longer in an earthly body, feeling and seeing what we see and feel. He's no longer on the cross, experiencing the weight of every sin and every pain we've ever had. He is risen. But God still suffers. He still experiences pain over human daily suffering. His heart still cries. A woman named Jennifer Miller had an encounter where God took her to a room in His house called the Weeping Room. He told her He spent most of His time there and asked if she was sure she wanted to go in. She said, "I want to be where You are." The room is furnished with only a chair, where Jesus sits and watches scene after scene of human suffering - children being abused, starvation, poverty, death, disease. She sees tears streaming down the Lord's face. Jesus still weeps.

Do we want to be where He is? Philippians 1:29 says "For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in Him but also to suffer for His sake..." To be like Christ, our master, to follow Him, means to sit with the poor, share in their pain, and not turn a blind eye to it because it hurts too much (and when I say "poor," I don't mean just materially, because you can be monetarily rich but very oppressed and depressed, and thereby poor). You are called to feel it, because Christ does...right now. He dwells among the broken. Do you want to be where He is...?

tribute to Cambridge

2009-09-23T06:34:00.005-04:00

i was in durham this past weekend and got to spend time with some good friends from Cambridge (the ministry i was in in college). like always, i had a wonderful time. like always, i barely slept because christie and i stayed up hours into the night talking and laughing. i encountered generosity, goofiness, sincere encouragement, devotion to Jesus, and real brotherly love...just like old times. new inside jokes were formed, memories revisited. christian payed for dinner thursday night. brennen handed me a $100 dollar bill the same night (which i thought was a $20 until i actually looked at it much later). both touched my heart to the point of tears with their encouraging words about zhop's closure. pastor john and martha atkins payed for breakfast saturday morning, expressing such joy about my move to Sudan it made me more excited. i went to lunch with andrea and was deeply inspired by her strength. rollan gave me the best, most loving hug at church. christie and kenesha drove me everywhere! i cooked rice and burned it (typical) and stunk up christie's place. she looked up remedies to burnt pots online, and we spent the next day boiling salt and baking soda...stinking up the place yet again. i got to laugh heartily, talk about problems and struggles, revel in God's work in us. these are true friendships - where you go from discussing end times to sharing your heart in God to laughing about being gassy from eating too much beans, all in one conversation.

every reunion between 2+ Cambridge folk is just like old times...even though years have passed and so much life and growth has happened, nothing's changed between us. when we're together, we're the same silly kids who were crazy for God in college and did ridiculous things. our stories, testimonies, experiences are written in eternity. maybe we'll sit around the big screen up there and watch the DVD with God. maybe we'll even live in the same neighborhood in heaven.

to all my Cambridge-ites...you know who you are, you are more than friends to me. you are my family, and i look forward to spending eternity with you.

"Your ways are perfect" - ZHOP's completion

2009-09-16T15:37:00.004-04:00

as I said in my August newsletter, ZHOP is closing. this announcement was made about 1 month ago. Greg Burnett, the man who was going to be taking over leadership from Kirk (who was moving to IHOP) declared confidently that he was not the person for this job and did not have the grace from the Lord to do it. all the staff understood and knew it was the Lord. He was saying, "You're done here, well done, assignment complete." but that didn't make it any easier. the day it was announced, i wept bitterly, and for the next 2 days as well. i am moving to Sudan in January, and the closing of ZHOP meant i was losing my home. since then we've been through a roller coaster ride of emotions. for most staff, this is liken to a job transfer, and as the whole leadership team is moving to IHOP Kansas City, so now are most staff. it's different for the community - people with full-time jobs for whom ZHOP is their church. most are not making a move to KC, so they are experiencing a lot of pain and grief over the loss of ZHOP. one man put it this way - "the reason i'm so hurt is because i am so grateful for this place. it has changed my family's life." it has been nothing less than painful to walk through this for everyone.

i am making the move to IHOP. the family i live with, Tom and Hilary Lacy, invited me to move with them (the night we got the announcement and i was destroyed because i didn't know where to go between now and January. it brought instant peace and security). the biggest burden we now have is selling 8 houses (families rent houses from one owner and house singles as well). i think i am alright now. i am looking forward to resting at IHOP. it's been hard the last few months here, being a shift leader and worship leader. i've heard the prayer room at IHOP is amazing - you sit down and are immediately sucked into heaven. that'll be really nice.

i decided to not try to figure out why this happened, all the spiritual reasons. none of us will know until the age to come why the Lord did this, and then it will make sense and we'll say, "Your ways are perfect."

dreams, pain, waiting

2009-08-25T15:14:00.001-04:00

we held our annual Holy Revolution conference this weekend at zhop. corey russell from ihop-kc and jake hamilton from refuge house of prayer came to speak/lead worship. it was definitely powerful (if you've heard corey speak, you know it's dynamic and convicting). corey said one phrase that made me weep. he said, "the pain you feel in your heart over the desires God has put in you [them being yet unfulfilled] is your gift from Him, because it causes you to wrestle with him for the fulfillment of those desires." God puts these dreams in us, sometimes things so unexpected we know they must be from Him, and then He makes us....wait....to make us ready to handle the dream when it comes. we think if the dream is righteous, God's dream, something for the sake of the Kingdom alone, then we should see it fulfilled right away. God knows better. i think a dream too quickly partaken of becomes a nightmare, because you don't have the character, strength of heart, steadfastness of faith necessary to walk it out. even so, there's real pain over dreams and desires yet unrealized, tucked away in your heart, where God stokes the flame of these desires, sometimes making it even more painful to wait. but the pain is actually a good thing, because it means you're not apathetic about walking out God's purposes in your life. if you feel pain, you're going to contend and cry out for them to come to pass - a key factor to their fulfillment. so i'll be grateful for the dreams, for the pain, and for the waiting.

Breakthrough is...

2009-08-14T13:26:00.003-04:00

One of my favorite quotes, by Heidi Baker, is "Jesus died so that there would always be enough." She wrote a book called "Always Enough: God's Provision Among the Poorest Children on Earth" where she recounts incredible testimonies - no money in the bank account and 300 people to feed, and all the money coming in at the needed time, food being multiplied. She had an open vision where she saw a sea of children before her, thousands and thousands. Jesus was asking her to feed them and she was screaming, "No, no! There's too many! I can't take them all!" Jesus said, "Look into my eyes. I died so that there would always be enough." She finds bread and wine in her hand and begins handing it out to the children one by one, and the elements multiply as she is handing them out and everyone eats!

Another profound quote is from Kirk Bennett, in relation to finances and provision. He always says, "Breakthrough is not when you have all the finances you need. Breakthrough is when you are not afraid." This is so true. We always pray for financial breakthrough, which is legitimate, but the real breakthrough is when you have rent and bills to pay and don't have the money yet and there is no fear, no unbelief, no anxiety in your heart. A deeper, greater breakthrough than that of your circumstance is the one of your heart.

I want this kind of breakthrough - freedom from fear and unbelief. It's why the Israelites wandered in the wilderness for 40 years, "...they could not enter in [to rest] because of unbelief" (Hebr. 3:19). No matter how many times they saw God provide, the next situation where they needed to trust Him, their faith failed them. We are no different today. This seems to be one of our greatest weaknesses as believers. I am repenting for my faithless heart and contending for the breakthrough, making progress for sure :)

psalm 91

2009-08-10T17:19:00.002-04:00

i was telling a friend recently, an older woman who is becoming a spiritual mom to me (she ministered in the inner city for 10 years. when i heard this, i said, "we need to talk. tell me your story"), how i have been feeling anxious about finances. i know the Lord has called me, that i am doing what He wants me to do, but getting my brain to align with what i know so strongly in my spirit is the challenge. our minds are always the battle field. God says to seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things (speaking of food, clothes, shelter) will be added to us (Matthew 6:33). i read these beautiful, freeing words and experience tangible peace, but then my logic clicks into gear and i try to perceive this in the natural and it seems so impossible...i feel the anxiety creeping in, and the peace leaves.

so this woman told me what she does - she reads psalm 91. it says "He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress; my God in Him i will trust. Surely He will deliver me from the snare of the fowler and from the perilous pestilence; He shall cover you with His feathers and under His wings you will take refuge...." as she was reciting this from memory, i was feeling the weight of God's presence, as was she. i decided to do as she does, verbally speak this psalm over myself, repeat it over and over and ponder the words, visualize the text. i also decided to stop looking at financial circumstances in the natural, thinking of all the money i have to raise, how impossible it seems, etc, and to just do what i need to do - call people, make appointments, go through all the steps - and not dwell on, "how is this going to work out?" i decided to deliberately disengage my mind from my actions, and the whole time look at Jesus and His words to me. when i set my eyes on the heavenly realm where He dwells, i literally feel 100% faith in my heart. when i go up there, i feel, "of course God's gonna do this, no questions asked. it wouldn't make sense for Him not to?"

so here's the 2 keys - reading Scripture out loud, so your own ears can hear it, and by all the force of your will, looking up.

overwhelmed

2009-08-05T15:36:00.004-04:00

there's a song by Hillsong United called "To Know Your Name" (search it on youtube, it's amazing) and one of the lines is "Your grace has overwhelmed my brokenness..." I was worshiping to this song and began weeping at this line. I visualized our brokenness and His grace overtaking it, completely covering it up to where you can't see it anymore. 1 Peter 4:8 came to mind - "...love will cover a multitude of sins." I immediately understood what it meant. it's His love literally covering our sins, imagine a blanket, to where you can't see them anymore, they don't exist in His eyes. His great love for us causes our sins to be invisible. it's more than sins too - it's all our struggles, pains, anxieties, failures....our brokenness. in the context of this song, His grace - His enabling ability, His power and mercy - completely overtakes these things and makes them go away. i was weeping because i could feel it, His grace coming at that moment, descending upon my stresses and doubts, and overwhelming them...they disappear.

(comment please :) )

Peter and God's wonderful refining process

2009-07-24T15:52:00.004-04:00

i recently finished 1 Peter, i was reading and meditating on it slowly for a long time, and the book is all about good conduct as a Christian. What this means is righteous and blameless living, that when the Gentiles (unbelievers) revile you as evildoers, they may see your good conduct and be put to shame and glorify God in the end (essentially, be convicted because they accused you and out of this conviction, turn to the Lord and receive salvation). also, i love the character of Peter, because in his example you see so vividly the power of the Holy Spirit to transform a man. When Christ called him, he was young, impulsive, self-confident, self-righteous, strong in himself but also bold and fiery. He had the audacity to rebuke Jesus (when Jesus said to him "Get behind me Satan") and to say to Jesus that he'd be with him to the death (after which Christ told him he would deny Him 3 times). yet we see demonstrations of his boldness - he was the first to step out of the boat when Jesus walked on water. when Peter denies Christ, he is devastated and severely humbled. i believe this is why the Lord allowed this to happen, because Peter needed to be humbled and needed to see that he was not strong in himself, that he was not even able to stand strong in the faith without the aid of the Holy Spirit.

Peter denies the Lord, yet Jesus instantly takes him back after the resurrection. Jesus calls a very humbled and ashamed Peter to Himself and tells him to feed His sheep, to follow Him (John 21). Jesus says, " '...when you were younger, you girded yourself and walked where you wished; but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will gird you and carry you where you do not wish.' This He spoke, signifying by what death he would glorify God" (John 21:18-19). Peter realized by these words that he would suffer much in his life. Peter wrote 1 and 2 Peter at the end of his life, right before he was crucified, and as you read these letters, you are seeing a completely different man than the young guy that Jesus called to be his disciple - still bold as ever but a man of great meekness who requested to be crucified upside down because of revelation of his own unworthiness to even die the same way Jesus did. The man who starts off his Christian walk thinking he's "the stuff" ends it knowing he is nothing - that Christ is everything, that Christ in him is the only thing that makes him great. He got this revelation not all of a sudden, but slowly, by God's process of chipping away at the areas of his heart that were not Christ-like. Day by day, year by year, God worked in Peter and slowly changed and purified him through suffering and trials to be a man of boldness, as he always was, but also humble, meek, having no confidence in his own strength and no self-righteousness.

Peter's life is such a witness of God's complete ability to transform us and take even our greatest weaknesses and redeem them and turn them into strengths. we want this to happen right away, but God loves processes! And the best part is, He never gives up on us. Let Peter's testimony be an encouragement and assurance to us that if God can change him and call someone like him, with all his issues, he can change any one of us and complete the good work He started.

the truth is, I don't trust God

2009-07-22T16:02:00.005-04:00

why is it so hard to trust God?!?! i am frustrated with myself because no matter how many times God comes through for me, every time a new challenge arises, i find myself not trusting! the worst part about it is that the "new challenge" is not new at all, but the same type of situation i just went through 3 months earlier where God came through massively. say finances, for example - a BIG source of stress for missionaries, and an area that, for some reason, is the most difficult to trust God in. when i graduated college, completed my internship at ZHOP, and was entering into living 100% on support, i had 2 weeks to raise enough monthly funding. i was freaking out. i remember crying to a friend on the phone saying, "God called me to full-time ministry, but how am i going to do this, i don't have any funding!" funny part is, i was having this crisis of trust before i had even made a real concerted effort to raise funds. guess what happened? 2 weeks later, i had the money i needed to be a full-time missionary. then i thought, "how stupid of me to doubt the Lord! God, forgive me for my faithlessness."

i thought i learned my lesson, but now i am back in the same boat, in need of finances and stressing out about it. as before, i haven't made a real effort to raise more support, but i'm already anxious. as i am writing this, i am seeing how ridiculous it is to stress before you've even tried. and even more ridiculous, to stress when you are loved by someone like our Lord, who gives to those who ask according to His will. James calls it double-mindedness and instability when a man asks from the Lord and doubts that he shall have it (Jas 1:6).

it really is all on God. if God wants you to do something, He must provide the way, or else you can't do it. the pressure's all on Him! you don't have to do anything but BELIEVE! it is part of our inheritance in Christ to live stress-free. why do we not receive this inheritance? we have the privilege of serving a God who deeply cares and has our best interest in mind (as much as we do not believe that sometimes). let's start acting like it.

p.s. please comment :)

How to use ZHOP TV

2009-07-15T21:40:00.001-04:00

This little embedded video I have here (on the right side of the page) is a bunch of audio and video clips from sets at ZHOP, various worship leaders, conferences, and services. To browse, go to "Menu", "Browse On-Demand Library" and select what you would like to listen to.

I'm on it! To find me, do the above and you'll see my name :)

Longsuffering

2009-07-13T14:25:00.003-04:00

2 Peter 3:9 says "The Lord is not slack concerning His promise, as some count slackness, but is longsuffering toward us, not willing that any should perish but that all should come to repentance." The context of this verse is the promise of Christ's return, redemption of creation, and destruction of the wicked. I was reading this passage in the Prayer Room and got stuck for a while on this verse. I kept writing and writing about God's longsuffering nature. Longsuffering literally means "to suffer long," or be patient. When we must exercise patience, it implies suffering because we are having to wait for something we badly want right then. What is it that God so badly wants? He wants to marry His Bride and return to earth to dwell with her. This has been His ultimate desire from eternity past. He is consumed with it; it's all He thinks about. What's more, He can have her whenever He wants, for it's His choice when to return. What restrains Him? It's love for those who do not yet know Him, for those who blatantly reject Him, even hate Him. He knows if He were to return now, they would perish and be cast into the lake of fire...and so He waits, to give them ample time to repent and return His love. Even though all creation reveals the glory of God, there is so much evidence of Christ's love, and people hear the Gospel many times and reject him over and over, He still waits, hopes for them to turn. He puts His own desire on hold for the sake of more people coming into the Kingdom. He's willing to suffer long. The laying down of His life, the choosing to cause Himself more pain for another's gain, did not stop at the cross; He does it every second that He does not return.

If you read the book of Revelation and the judgments, God seems mean. There will be famines, wars, massive amounts of people dying. But picture a child abuser, or a human traffiker who rapes children and women, and then think about the fact that the reason Christ has not returned yet is because He is waiting for this wicked person to see the light, that He LOVES even this depraved human being. He wants NONE to perish...that's why He waits. So when He unleashes judgment on the earth, it's because He has waited the absolute maximum amount of time He could and given people ample time and evidence to repent. You see, everything He does is love - the cross, judgment, everything. He's always moving out of a heart of pure, undefiled, crazy love.

content....

2009-06-30T19:48:00.002-04:00

my contentment level is unstable and fluctuates a lot....i'm talking about in the area of marriage. i'll go for a few month of being really content, not thinking about it at all, or when i do, just feeling total trust in the Lord in an "i-know-it's-gonna-happen-whether-it's-sooner-or-later-God's-timing-is-the-best-and-amazing" kind of way. then i'll hit despair in this area and cry and say, "God why have you forgotten me?" this sounds dramatic, because i'm 23 years old, and it is :) but it's real human emotion that God cares about and treasures. when i feel the latter, it's usually when things are particularly rough with family and i'm feeling the weight of that - their opposition to Christ and what i do. in these times, i feel very alone because i'm lacking the support of those who are supposed to be that consistent, strong support system in a person's life, and i'm not married. i say, "God, if i'm not gonna have my family, at least let me be married so i would have that as a strength to lean on." i'm completely not satisfied. lately, however, i've been very content. nothing has changed - still the same old battle with parents, still no potential husband around - but i feel good! i received a work from a dear friend at ZHOP, an older man who the Lord has used to speak profoundly into my life, and he told me to not be in a rush to get married and to be patient, to enjoy this time of singleness as a time of being molded into who the Lord wants me to be. i received this and began to see singleness as an opportunity to be whole-heartedly devoted to the Lord without distraction, to run hard after Him and press in to know Him with all my might. and when i feel lonely, my reaction can be to push harder into God. i've decided to see singleness as the only chance i get to single-mindedly and undividedly commune with the Lord. i think God has deliberately hidden me because He wants me for Himself :) ultimately, i want to know Christ and want to say yes to whatever it takes for me to know Him as intimately as i can in this life

....so i'm content to be single...for now. who knows what i'll say 3 months down the road.

Lesson from an Ear Infection

2009-06-27T16:00:00.001-04:00

This whole week i have had a real nasty and painful ear infection. It's not completely gone (I still can't hear anything out of my right ear) but most of the pain has subsided, which feels incredible. I was taking antibiotics and about 12 advil a day just to be functional. (It's funny, I've been swimming in oceans, dirty lakes, rock quarries, and pool since I was 7, and I dip my head in 5 times at the community pool and I get the worst ear infection). I'm tellin' you, you don't know how good it is to be pain free until you are in a great amount of pain. In the midst of my agonizing infection, I get a newsletter from Iris Ministries, from Rolland Baker. He writes about his 2 year battle with extreme illness - a nervous breakdown resulting in mental and emotional stress, a nervous tension, memory loss and signs of serious dementia. His whole body was in disrepair and majorly malfunctioning. All this was the result of the extreme stress and pressure of the mission field. Rolland is in recovery now in Germany at a Christian wellness center and is doing much better. But as I read this account, and felt my own unbearable pain, I was struck by the fact that God does not owe us anything. Yes, He wants to and will give us good things - provision, protection, health....But He does not owe it to us. These in no way determine or alter His goodness. He already demonstrated His goodness to the fullest extent possible by sending His Son to the cross, rescuing us from an eternity of misery. By this act alone He proved Himself to be so extremely incomprehensibly good, that if He did absolutely nothing else for us ever again, He would still be fully good, and we wouldn't be able to say otherwise. The fact that He doesn't stop at the salvation of our souls and continues to give us good gifts pushes it way over the top torrential downpour, i-just-wanna-scream HE IS SOOO GOOOOOOODDDDDD!! Though He loves to give gifts, they are just that - gifts, not guarantees, but pleasant surprises.

You would think that God would give someone like Rolland great health all his life, a man who's poured himself out tirelessly for the poor and the orphans. Or at least a miraculous healing, so he wouldn't suffer like this. But Jesus never promised us good health, a good life, a good...anything. In fact, He said the opposite, that the world would hate us. He promised us that He would be with us, and He proved to us that He was worth it. Suffering is part of the road, it's what we sign up for when we say "Yes" to Jesus (maybe you didn't know it, but He said that we must count the cost)...and we keep saying yes through it all because we find Him worth it, that who we have gained (Christ Himself) so far outweighs what we lose, that any price we have to pay does not even come close to how much He is worth.

So I believe God for and expect health, miracles, provision, little tokens of His love (a little boy came up to me, as I'm fighting the ear ache, and gave me a chocolate bar), but I'm not gonna be angry or offended when it may not happen. For even so, He is beautiful, good, worth any and all of it. Let this be your heart cry too...

Photo Captions

2009-06-26T16:40:00.003-04:00

From top to bottom:
1) Kelly and me singing on an intercession set
2) & 3) Ryan and baby John praying for Kelly; the anointing is transferring through the sippy cup, haha
4) John playing with the flags in the Prayer Room
5) Sally praying on the mike for a Culture of Life in America
6) Brock family (husband, wife, 4 boys) playing a set; this family is amazing, they faithfully played the 4-6am set 4 days a week!
7) Kelly worshiping (this was staged, she saw me taking the picture :) )
8) & 9) The whole crew! 7 full-timers (+ John) who stood in prayer between midnight-6am every night! We're pointing to the board on which is written who leads what sets, and we're excited because for the last week, we filled all the slot. So we had live music in the Night all week, no CDs! (this hadn't happened in a while).

Some pictures from the last week of Nightwatch

2009-06-26T16:11:00.013-04:00

big changes at ZHOP

2009-06-22T17:44:00.002-04:00

We've had some big changes in the last month at ZHOP. We are no longer 24/7, we're only open from 8am-8pm, so 12 hours a day. This was a huge shock to everyone when Kirk announced it, but we all knew it was the right move to make. ZHOP has lost many staff, specifically singers and musicians, since it was first planted 4 years ago. We've gained a lot too, but not enough to keep going 24/7. And we were doing 24/7 with about 30 people, so there were few people per shift, the worship teams were small, and it was becoming difficult to sustain worship and prayer. We were spread too thin, and we needed to consolidate for the sake of the staff not burning out and becoming exhausted.

So I am now the shift leader on the Morning Watch (8am-2pm), along with another person, which has been rough because I am so used to the Nightwatch sleep schedule. I've been on it for 3 weeks now, and am still having trouble falling asleep at 11pm. Also, I have about 15 people to lead now, instead of 4 on Nightwatch, so this is challenging. I am also confronting a lot of fear of man in leading sets on stage. I had gotten so used to just the Nightwatch folks in the room when I would lead worship, and I knew them so well I wasn't intimidated. But now there's a lot more people in the room, many of whom are great musicians, and so I get up there and I am intimidated and constantly hit with thoughts that they are judging me or they think I sound bad, etc. Although I know it's the enemy, it's still hard to combat these lies and really believe the truth and be free on stage. I think God is digging deeper as far as removing fear of man and desire to please man.

I've also missed the Nightwatch folks a lot. We had such a strong bond, our little crew, and now the shifts are bigger and everyone is dispersed. You have to make more of an effort to get to know people and talk to people; otherwise, you can go the whole day in the prayer room, pray and play your set, and not speak to anyone.

So this is the latest news, and challenges...

Amazing story - Son of Hamas leader turns to Christ!

2009-06-14T22:27:00.003-04:00

This is an incredible interview I read about a Hamas leader's son (a terrorist organization) becoming a Christian!

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,402483,00.html

Murder of Abortionist George Tiller

2009-06-10T05:30:00.004-04:00

As many of you know, recently, famous abortionist George Tiller, who performed late-term abortions and trained others to do so, was violently murdered in his church. When I heard this news, I was deeply grieved. We had a conference at ZHOP about a year ago where Matt Lockett from Bound4Life (the people with the red tape on their mouths) spoke. One of his messages was entitled "With Malice Toward None." He said that God not only cares that we fight to end abortion, but He cares about how we fight to end abortion. Violence cannot be justified for violence. He spoke about pro-lifers being so enraged as to bomb clinics and kill abortion doctors, but he took it beyond the actual act of violence and murder. He addressed the heart, which is what Jesus addresses in Matthew 5, that if you are even angry with your brother you have committed murder against him. He said, "We may never pick up a gun, but if we harbor malice, anger, hate, we've actually pulled the trigger in our hearts. Anger progresses to malice progresses to murder, and the later we interrupt the process, the more humiliating it is." If violent sentiments in the heart are not brought before the Lord in repentance, you not only become guilty in His eyes but also capable of such an act as shooting a man in church. This case is an example of the justice of man - man taking vengeance into his own hands. Vengeance is the Lord's, and He will avenge the blood of the babies and judge their cause. This is clear in His Word, as He is the defender of the innocent and voiceless, and He will judge wicked systems and wicked men. And both of these men will face the Judge and give account to Him. Our job is to pray for justice, speak the truth in boldness, and love anyone and everyone until they come to Jesus. No one is beyond salvation; no hard heart is to difficult for God. Matt Lockett also spoke of a dear friend of his who was an abortino doctor before meeting Jesus. She described the incredible deception one is under in this industry, truly believing you are helping women, when in reality you're subjecting them to years of emotional trauma and guilt. Thankfully, she was able to repent before someone had the chance to shoot her. George Tiller had this opportunity too, but this opportunity should last a lifetime (or as long as one has before Jesus returns), and it didn't in his case.

I know a family in Kansas City who has prayed in front of George Tiller's clinic and sought to close it down for 10 years. They wept when they found out what happened. This is the heart of God - to pray for justice and weep over the atrocity of babies being killed, as He does, to cry out for the salvation of the abortionists, and weep over such cases as George Tiller's, as He does. We must understand the heart of God - 100% just and 100% merciful. We must see who Jesus is through His word and make every effort to align our hearts with this reality. There is no other way forward, and no hope otherwise.

thoughts from the front lines...sieging

2009-05-30T21:24:00.003-04:00

I sieged today (that's where you stand in front of an abortion clinic with red tape that says "LIFE" on your mouth and pray for the ending of abortion)...and it's crazy how even when you are completely silent, there's so much opposition and anger that comes against you from people who walk or drive by. we did get a few friendly honks in the midst of some hostile honks. You can distinguish between hostile and friendly by the length of the honk. Long, drawn out honks = hostility, short, quick honks are friendly. Something I learned today. Someone yelled an obscenity at us, which I wasn't moved by. In fact, I like some contention and persecution, makes me feel like I'm doing something valuable. Anyway, as I was standing out there, I totally felt God's presence. I didn't feel an intense burden or travail, just the presence of Jesus. As I was praying, I saw an image of the Lord removing the clothes from the abortion industry and from this clinic specifically, exposing its nakedness and its shame. The clothes abortion wears are deception and falsehood, meaning people don't see how evil the practice is and how harmful it is to not only the baby but the mother and the clinic employees. I know so many stories of women who have had abortions who were/are so depressed, suicidal, lifeless, feeling that there was something in them that was a part of them and it was ripped out, and now they are empty. No matter how much the industry tries to convince people that it's just a group of cells, or whatever, a woman knows - her conscience knows, her spirit knows. The woman whose case legalized abortion in 1973 herself was suicidal, an alcoholic, overcome with guilt and shame at what she had done, until she met Jesus. Now she speaks out against this practice. Many clinic workers are also very depressed, drink a lot, and are just suffering inside. This is directly related to the fact that they are partnering with death and darkness. But abortion is seen in the larger society as this benevolent, compassionate deed, and God is going to take the clothes off, and all will see its shame.

visiting parents, being a light, amazing testimony!

2009-05-27T23:46:00.000-04:00

i went home to san francisco for a week to visit family...as some of you may know, my family is not Christian and is hostile to my faith in Christ. they think i am completely crazy and are very hurt by my walk with the Lord and my missionary calling. it's hard to go home and be in this kind of atmosphere, but i know i have to be merciful, kind, loving, patient, regardless of what they say or how they treat me. this is the only way they'll come to know the Lord, is through my witness. so i was home recently and we were hiking in Yosemite National Park (we hiked an 18 mile trail to the top of the highest peak, it was so strenuous but totally worth it), and my mom began a conversation with me which quickly went sour, and she was angry and raging, accusing...i never know the right response in these situations, except to lay low and remain at peace. i began telling her about the Lord and His freedom, trying to bring the conversation back to her and her brokenness, but it was met with scoff and mockery. towards the end, all i knew to do was say, "Mom, i just love you so much" to all of her accusation, which made her even angrier. 10 minutes later, she was totally nice, as if none of that had happened. this happens a lot, and it's the strangest thing. i don't know if this is because she feels like she succeeded and made me feel bad, or because she herself feels guilty for saying the things she said. i have no idea, all i know is that my response always must be kindness, speaking the truth in gentleness and love.

so that night i am going to sleep and i am frustrated with the Lord about all this. i begin lamenting to him, about how it's been 5 years of this difficult warfare with my parents (i got saved at 18), and it's gotten worse over the years. i was being honest with him, saying that nothing is working, my parents are just getting harder and harder to the truth. i was reminding Him that His word says that we are a city on a hill, a light, that our light inevitably shines in the darkness, and saying, "Lord, it's not working! You said that i'd be a light. well, i am not. They are not changing, they are not seeing Christ in my at all, they're not seeing the light, what is going on?" I was tired - of believing, hoping, trusting, just plain tired of the fight.

2 days later, i'm in a coffee shop reading a book when a Jehovah's Witness approaches me and begins witnessing to me. i didn't mind and decided to talk to him for a little bit, about what i do and my faith. he hands me a book, leaves, and a man seated near me overhears the conversation and asks to see the book. i, in turn, invite him to come sit and chat with me, immediately spotting the witnessing opportunity. he is a Jewish Frenchman from Paris named Serge, and we proceed to speak for 2.5 hours about God. he tells me he's on a journey to find God, he's been visiting synagogues and churches. i tell him my testimony and preach the Gospel to him, about who Jesus is and that he is our hope, joy and peace, which do not exist apart from him. at the end of our conversation, when i am about to leave, you will never believe what he says to me...."irina, there is a beautiful light on your face, and a flame inside of you..." i almost wept....exactly the thing i was complaining to God about 2 days earlier, about there not being light in me...i was taken aback by the Lord's mercy and goodness, to use this unbeliever to confirm to me that yes, His word IS true, there IS light in me, and my parents DO feel and see it....it's just going to take some time for them to admit it...

so I started a blog...

2009-04-09T05:07:00.000-04:00

I never thought I would have a blog...I don't like to try and write about what's going on in my life, it always seems hard to communicate clearly. But I think it's important to keep the people in my life cued in on what I'm thinking, my thoughts, emotions, trials, joys...

A quick update on where I'm at. I am a full time missionary on staff at the Zadok House of Prayer in Charlotte, NC, where I minister to the Lord in prayer, worship, and intercession on the Nightwatch (12-6am shift). This has been a time of spiritual preparation and cultivation of intimacy with Jesus before heading out to the mission field, specifically Sudan, to work for Iris Ministries (www.irimin.com). I am a shift leader here and I absolutely love my job and the people I pray with.

This is a welcome and introduction note to everyone. I'll be posting articles, pictures, thoughts, feelings, experiences, things God is teaching me on this blog. So check it regularly to see what's new.

Also, you can give to me on this blog through PayPal by clicking on the button (it's quick and simple).

Love you guys!